Happy New Year

So it really does seem all I do is moan.

 

So I went out like many others tonight. And feel like I was set up to fail.

I have been in a depressive state lately. lost half a stone in weight, no energy, crying all the time. And no one has really noticed. Not even the girls who I call my best friends. well I think they are. I at first said no to going out as was gonna curl up in bed. All the signs were there that I was down. Even tried saying stuff. but they didn’t encourage me to come out.

The other way round I would have made sure they came to the extent I would have gone to there house and got them dressed. But nope none of that. Eventually I got a message asking me to come. So I decided I was gonna have fun.

I turn up and was given a BS story about how they were trying to trick me in to coming and knew I would turn up all along. This is how I know it was a lie…

The taxi they booked at the end of the night was only to go to there houses.

They had co-ordinated there outfits

So I turn up in sparkly trainers, jeans and a low cut top. There are glammed up in gorgeous dresses, high heel and loads of glitter. I looked like the fat, gay friend that tagged along.

The club was rammed, it looked like Nappy night. The girls got far to drunk and one fell asleep on a toilet.

I am always told that when I collapse when Im out its cause I have drunk to much (actually might be epilepsy). But tonight I had a lot more then them and im sober they couldn’t even walk.

Found out also that when I was rushed to hospital last week, instead of coming straight to see me they went MacDonald’s first. WHO does that.

Starting to think I don’t have any true friends.

Fake Friends and Social Media

Today I have been thinking a lot about my social media. I have Twitter, Instagram, Discord and Facebook.

Not gonna lie I preferred it when Bebo was around. Love the backgrounds you could change.

So back on to the topic. Being on social media makes you paranoid. Every time some one puts a status up that isn’t about the u instantly think its about you. You get jealous cause there lives look perfect.

Now heres the thing. If you scroll through mine it will show a perfect little family, with angels for kids and me being a slim gorgeous women.

BUT…. in reality my daughter bit my son today and they fight constantly but in every photo they are looking like best friends. And as for me its all about the angles and filters to show the best of the best pics. I don’t post the 20 I took that are hideous.

Then on some of the sites you have the trolls. I have huge boobs 34gg. God help me if I wear a vest top, the hate I get everyday if a pic shows the smallest amount of cleavage. Hers what I get on a daily basis….

How much to meet up?

Can I lick them

Dick Pics

ETC…

Then we get the haters. Why cant humans  show what they want

I am a firm believer in the fact that a women or man should be able to walk down a street naked or post a naked pic without being touch or get degrading comments.

 

Also it puzzles me when people say they have hundreds of friends on social media. Unless you are in contact with the regularly they are not true friends. You might watch there lives grow but probably don’t even know there real name. Friends are formed over years of getting to know people not an add on a website.

Also whats with people trying to get sympathy about a loved ones death years and years after it happened. im not saying get over it but go to their grave not post it

The views I have that get me into trouble

Maybe im just an old fashioned girl, maybe we are all right or maybe i am just plain wrong.

I have these views and opinions that I can seem to tell people about without getting evil looks or criticized.

So brace yourselves, here goes nothing……

BENEFITS

The world has changed and this we all agree on but I also think people have got lazier. Where has the generation of workers gone. Seems like every other person is on benefits. Now this might make me more angry then most through personal reason. All I have tried to do is work and work and work. But when I work I get more ill (endometriosis) it will be my 12th operation this year. But I still stand by the fact that a lot of people think its ok to sit at home and do nothing. You should work for what you want not get handed it.

But that brings me onto another point, where have the morals gone. Women and teenagers getting pregnant to get houses off the council. A women was on Facebook the other day asking which council site was best to bid on houses.

THE FIRST COMMENT….. “If you get your mum to say your over crowded you will get a house straight away”

And no matter how much she told them she is not overcrowded they told her to lie. There are homeless people out there that need the housed not some one that has a roof over there heads.

GENDER

Here is a biggy atm. This seems to be a sore subject atm. I believe you can be whatever you want to be. But surely you are one of these…

FEMALE

MALE

MALE WANTING TO BE A FEMALE

FEMALE WANTING TO BE A MALE

I believe you can be born in the wrong body. I do not understand non-binary. How can you not be either unless you were born with both a virgina and a penis. A post I have seen lately a person claiming to be non-binary having a natural birth at home and breast feeding. You cant state you non-binary and then use everything being a women gave you. Therefore you are a women.

KIDS

So yet another biggy here. Well this will annoy a lot of people but why shouldn’t I get an opinion too. Its frustrating when every child that is naughty no matter how small is told they have ADD or ADHD. Im not saying it doesn’t exist. What I am saying is not every kid has it. I believe in slapping your child to discipline them. No im talking a tap on the bum or hand. but kids get labelled. Its getting the same with anxiety. People claiming they cant work cause they have anxiety.

Once again a personal anger towards this and I know not everyone is the same. I have had major issues in life couldn’t walk in shops or even on a bus. But I learnt to change.

OK.. So that’s my rant and opinions. Would love any comments good or bad. Maybe I can learn maybe I have changed your opinion.

All I am saying is we cant sail through life we work for what we have, don’t make excuses and be you.

 

 

Whoa

Yep im totally over excited about having 4 followers. Thank you. I did these blogs as stress relief but im actually enjoying them. Not even sure what a  blog is meant to be. Im using it as a kinda diary I can share.

It is helping me but I think I am cursed or something (I say that but not sure I even believe in it)

Not going im not detail  but believe me its not pretty.

So what are my options. Hmmm rabbits foot mailnly. But that means a rabbit is either limping or dead. Nope not that then

Well lucky underwear. That would mean I would wear it daily. That’s gonna smell. So nope.

Why cant I think of anything else.

Today was bad my cat had to be put down at 8 months. I was so upset watching it happen stroking his head. So upsetting and still emotional now. Gonna be a hard night. But gonna plant a rose tree with his ashes.

Im actually streaming on twitch atm. Answering questions and stuff. Its a good distraction from life.

 

But hey lets have fun and thanks for being you xxx

 

 

Bitch Boys and Fucktard Girls

I am a streamer so I game on Twitch also on another site but that is coming an end as am to ill.

I post on Instagram and Twitter

Hers my issue, WHY oh WHY do people get so angry if I use a snapchat filter or post in underwear.

I will say this loud and clear.

ITS MY BODY U DONT HAVE TO LOOK OR FOLLOWME.

So why the hell do I get idiots call me names. Men ask for nudes and when I refuse start kicking off. Tell me they would rather die then look at pics of me. Firstly u still haven’t unfollowed and secondly u were begging for them.

And the women. Not all I have made some friends but why oh why do you girls slate me. I don’t come into your stream or make nasty comments on your pics. So don’t on mine.

We all have insecurities I don’t pick yours out.

Also the ones that. For instance 1 atm is say his girlfriend died 5 days ago. Go on his profile and the last 5 days he is laughing and joking on his Twitter. Stating what he was doing during those day.

COME ON PEOPLE BE NICE STOP LYING AND BEHAVE!!!!!!

Complications

Life changes you and some people say you grow as a person.

Well im 5ft 5 I didn’t grow much.

Although I think it means you grow within yourself. but once again I swear im getting more stupid but more angry with it.

Things that make me angry:

Cutlery that is not put away in the correct compartment in the drawer

BMW drivers (wth use a indicator)

Toilet roll hanging the wrong way round

Basically small stuff.

I got a new tattoo the other day asked my son if he liked it. The answer – “Its good for a night out” He is 5

I tell him off he turns round to me and says “mum im not gonna argue with u” Then he walks away.

How do people cope. Adults and kids so much messed up stuff in life. We are all miracles we have made it this far.

So its bedtime for me, Well done for making it thru another day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is going on?

Things are getting a little strange and if not anything else they are getting embarrassing.

A few months a go I went out with a best friend and was drinking hadn’t had to much and got to the first pub and had a great time. The problem is I don’t remember leaving the first pub. AT ALL….

The next thing I know I am in a hospital bed and found out my friend had to resuscitate me.  I had not had excess alcohol or taken drugs. Later on there was GHB found in my system but memory loose and stopping breathing are not side effects off it.

From what I have been told I made it to another pub threw up every were and then collapsed on the stairs home. doctors haven’t done further investigations. I had eaten before I went out and this was the first incident this had happened.

Moving on to last Saturday it was a home coming for a friend. I had been out times before this and got back fine. im normally the one making sure everyone else is safe. Normal drinking. Last thing I remember was a shot at the bar and telling some one I need an ambulance.

 

Next thing I know im in a corridor at AnE where an ambulance had brought me. I have no memory after that shot. and no clue what is happening to me. I can handle my drink. at this point I had had 5 shots and a Bacardi and coke. I wouldnt pass out the way I did from that.

 

Doctors don’t care, I feel embarrassed and a burden now when im around my friends, not sure where to go from here.

 

 

From the beginning, endometriosis, heart issues, polymyalgia and more

As I type this I am laying bed with tissue shoved up my nose to stop it running, and that’s not even the worst it gets.

lets start from the beginning…….

As a child I was a healthy little girl, always moaning I couldn’t take sick days from school. After some family issue (will leave that for another time) I ran away and eventually moved out at 14.

Heres where my body decides its annoyed with me. Being a girl of 14 I got my period, this wasn’t my first but it was unlike any other that I had experienced. I was being sick doubled over in pain. I didn’t know any different so carried on my life as normal. I got my first boyfriend at 16 and had my first miscarriage shortly after. that was the first of 6.

After this I had a downwards spiral, with self harm and suicide attempts. But life went on and so did the painful periods. They were lasting 8+ days and caused passing out, pain, sleepless nights and many lost jobs.

THE ANGER….

During the worst times in 2005 I was working at a harbour. I loved my job, being next the sea and the sun. don’t get me wrong winter was hell but worth it for those summer months. watching the tide come in and out. Feeling happy for the first time in a long time.

I had many appointments with the doctors and hospital for this unexplained pain I was getting during periods. I had scan after scan and no one could tell me what was wrong apart from maybe I have a low pain threshold.

I began having time off work or having to leave early. That’s when I started to hear the rumors, the people at work who I thought were my friends were whispering behind my back. Saying I was making the pain up and just trying to get out of work. I later found out when I needed to leave early they were watching me on the cameras seeing if I was limping running off.

I ended up on Tramadol for the pain and constantly fighting with the partner i had at the time. He and his family also didn’t believe i was ill. One day I suggested Endometriosis to the doctor and it just clicked and she referred me staright to the hospital. This is where the anger start. I went to see the gynae and was told that’s impossible I just don’t handle pain well. I insisted on a exploratory laporoscopy and was told theres no point as he wont find anything. I managed to talk him round.

I went  for my operation and so much riding on it. Before I went in my partner at the time told me if they don’t find anything we were over and the surgeon said he is sure there will be nothing to find.

I must have looked crazy cause when I woke up and got dressed and sat eagerly for the results with my ex and his auntie. The surgeon came to see us. I do have Endometriosis. I cheered and said thank u. It was such a sigh of relief.

Not one person apologised to me.

Years later. its now 2018…

I have been thru a lot but here is a brief overview. Since my first operation in 2006 I have had 11 to date, 6 miscarriages, 2 gorgeous kids, 1 heart attack, been diagnosed with Fybromyalgia, Polymyagia, Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder. Collapsed twice on nights out, fractured my neck and lost countless jobs.

 

People don’t see what others go through and don’t care but we all need support and love in our lives. This is my first ever blog and the reason I am doing this is I am suffering mentally and maybe if I write it down it will help.