This is to you Bret

I emailed, messaged and begged tonight to be held so i could cry and let out all the hurt and stress that has been caused lately.

You have spun everything so well people thing i am the bad person. You have lied to everyone you have ever met. You are so amazing at it and everyone believes you. You even gave a false statement to the police.

The worst lie you told me was the car crash. I was so scared you said you were at the hospital but i was not allowed to visit. You told me a car hit your at 30mph, your car spun and you were hurt. I sat crying feeling hopeless. Couldn’t hold you or help you. The kids knew about the crash and riley was upset thinking you were badly hurt too. But it was all a lie wasnt it.

How can you play with someone like that. How can you hear someone cry and still make them feel guilty about caring.

But that wasnt all you did. I slit my wrists one day while you were round and instead of phoning an ambulance you went on my phone account and wiped it so all evidence of you cheating with me was gone.

But all the truth will come out so much more to tell. So much more you did to me.

BUT i still love you.

I never wanted to escort but you knew if you promised to stay i would do anything for you. So i let you make my bookings.

Tonight and last night i begged and pleaded for a hug, no more just a hug. But you refused. Now its all to late.

I told you how depressed and suicidal i was but still you did nothing. And the reason is if you get me help the police will see the bruises and you will be arrested.

YOU LET ME DIE TO SAVE YOURSELF

YOU LET ME LEAVE THIS WORLD BECAUSE ITS EASIER ME NOT BEING HERE THAN FACING THE TRUTH

I begged you babe for a hug a simple hug and to let me cry it out. I didnt want much but it was to much to ask from you.

Wish i knew why you hated me so much, wish i knew what i did wrong.

You left me broken and bruised. I tried so hard to stay but now its to much

Please tell me after everything i still dont feel right retaliating and reporting you to the police.

Why do i not have it in me

What is wrong with me

I’m numb now.

I’m to insignificant to be told my dad’s died

I’m done

Enough is fucking enough.

To much is to much.

This is a note to say why.

I have been through more than most people have and have come through each time more damaged and broken, but i held on.

I fought through nightmares and depression. I fought as hard as i could and for as long as i could.

But now i have no more fight, i dont have anything left in me.

The one i truely love betrayed me in more ways than i can count. I have asked you why and you say you dont know. That doesnt help me. That makes it worse, that makes my mind run a million miles an hour. That makes me blame myself, cause why else.

When we met you made me feel special and safe that my nightmares almost instantly stopped. I could be myself and you loved that. But then i found out you were cheating on me and this carried on for the full four years.

But i still loved you still as there for you when you cried.

Being parents and working was hard so i gave up my job so you could get your career. Then i noticed messages from a girl at your work and this went on for about a year that i know of. A girl i had met. A girl that you said your just friends, this was lie and you were cheating again.

I dropped you off everyday to your work and picked you up never knowing i was dropping you off into another girls arms.

Then you broke up with me but we still lived as a couple. You then got back with me not just back with me you got engaged to me again. Then you broke up with me two days later. This was around June time. We discussed everything i held you and told you no matter what i have got you. I always will.

We discussed money and realised how fucked we were. You asked me to go on the orgy beds and i couldnt do that. You asked me to escort and told me no matter what you would be here when the nightmares start up. I was so mentally not there and agreed to do it for us. You promised to be there until christmas when we would have enough money for u to move out and me to survive.

But u didnt 2 days before my birthday i came home to all your stuff gone. Telling your friends i was a hooker but didnt tell them why. Or who pushed me into it.

We have been sleeping together ever since at least twice a week, i felt ashamed to accept i was the other women, the second choice. But i love you and u promised we would try an open relationship.

I walked out in october and slit my wrist and instead of calling someone you proceeded on wiping my phone incase people found out, Thats how ashamed you are of me.

Then came the morning i had a mini heart attack i begged you to stay as i was scared i would die, you walked out and even though i begged for help you didnt call anyone or come back.

One day i had a seizure so bad i couldnt talk or type for at least 30 mins but while i was unconscious once again you walked out. I woke up scared and alone.

Things escalated and the violence started, and yes i had my hand in that. You put my head into a brick wall. And then the other night you repeatedly threw me to ground. I didnt touch you, i didnt do anything. You left me unable to walk.

Everything i had you took from me. I am unable to be a mum due to pain from the violence and the depression that has been caused.

One day you even found me unconscious hanging. i needed help but u didnt help me. You woke me up but didnt get me help.

You made me feel guilty about being scared when you said you had a major car crash. u made out i was an issue for worrying. It was all lies there wasnt a crash at all.

What did i do to you to deserve this what did i do?????

I wasnt enough for this world.

I wasnt enough for you

I wasnt enough for Riley or Demi

My body wasnt well enough

My brain wasnt well enough

I wasnt enough to have friends

I wasnt enough for people to help

I was enough to be believed

I wasnt enough to stop men beating me

I wasnt enough to comfort when i cried

I wasnt pretty enough to be noticed

I was sexy enough to be irresistible to anyone

I wasnt a good mum

I wasnt a good daughter

I wasnt enough to be loved

I wasnt enough to stop people from cheating on me

I needed to be better, i needed to not be me, I needed to be everything im not.

from threats from the ex and broken promises – social services saying i maybe to unwell to have my kids and everything in between

i dont have the kids this weekend as they are better off with there friends, i constantly cry. im the lowest i have been. im the most broken i have been.

im not writing in here anymore from now so this will be my last entry to the world.

There are always signs, there is always help. but some people go under the radar or cno one thinks they are good enough to save.

im the last part, i beg, i plead, i cry.

the kids are going to have an amazing week though

I waited and waited and waited.

For nothing

All the fucking time

Razor in hand lost so much blood already. But don’t seem to have done the deadly blow.

2 days ago I begged for help. No one checked on me. I’m weak now though. Haven’t eaten in 2 days. Food makes me feel sick.

I live a very lonely existence. Do I want my kids to have the same. Of course I don’t.

I should finish it for them. The house is a mess. Having more and more bad heart days. Another mini heart attack.

I don’t have family and apparently no friends. I thought my ex was my friend. But I begged him to help me. I told him I wasn’t coping. He didn’t care.

My kids are missing there potential because of me. Because I’m not enough for them or anyone.

So is this it. Will anyone care enough to save me.

Riley and demi I love u. Sorry I’m weaker than most. Time to start Ur new life.

i begged so many people to not leave me alone. not let me be by myself. im alone. all alone

i cant be alone. kaylie was ill today and had to go home and didnt have one person i could ask to come to the rock show with me. im 39 and didnt have one person not one.

accounts deactivated, phone off. films on. my head going a million miles an hour.

being a nice person gets u used and alone. cause at the end of the day no one is here for u. not one person.

my kids will end up the same if they stay with me. they dont deserve that. they did nothing wrong to deserve me.

today is a broken day, today is a numb day, today is the day im not strong, today is the it hit home no one cares………….

nope no one

not one person