Its the little things that add up. One thing after another, im loosing my house, the kids will be taken soon, all alone

today is a bd day

the bad days are the days u feel numb cause the cuts get deeper. life gets harder. the world goes dark

thats today

Tonight has been very hard. Surprised I’m still here.

I think I’m doing so well and then the burning starts and I’m shaking feel sick and on the edge.

I don’t know what’s going on. I can be in the best mood and it happens all of a sudden. I don’t wanna wake anyone up. But shaking and don’t know what to do

I came here hoping it would help. My head just thinks of one solution. My heart pounds and I have burn everywhere

I don’t feel depressed. I feel weak. I don’t wanna be alone I’m scared to be alone

I’m scared to be alone. Never been scared before. I’m not 12st 1 lost 3 stone in 3 months.

For the first time in my life I feel like something is out of my control. I feel I have no control it’s just something I know will happen. It’s hard to explain even if I don’t want it to something is telling me it will. I’m trying so hard to distract myself. I trying to work hard. And it just hits m

Really don’t wanna be alone

I need to find a penny to pick up. Change my luck around. Cause this just isn’t working

Having a mental health day today. Having a downer. How the doctors can say i dont have bipolar is beyond me. They have litterally said people with bipolar run down the street naked when on a high. Im sure they dont all do that. So i have been labeled with EUPD not entirley sure what that means. So im trying not to do something stupid.

Im finding it hard feeling so unloved. No family, No friends, Not worthy enough to be stay faithful too and not a great mum. I try to speak to the doctors or my ex and all i get is the same. U are loved, u do have friends, its all going to be fine. Anyone that has felt like this knows that doesnt help at all. Just makes u not want to speak about it cause no one gets it.

I have been doctors they just say its circumstancial depression and wont help. I wont take tablets as they make its worse for a few weeks and me worse is not a good idea. I feel like i need to be back in a mental home for a little while. but i have full custody and must carry on. I have phone smaratans but they didnt answer, i called the crisis team they said i was calling the wrong number and hung up. And they wonder why suicide rates are on the rise. So i have steps to take to help me.

Step one:

Watch a series i really wanna watch. Im watching shameless US and working

Step two:

Throw myself into work. Thats all i have been doing.

Step three:

Clean on tiktok, But my large account has been banned and just depressing to see my little following. i need the conversation flowing. I bounce of people.

Step four:

Not a great one i know but cutting by this point im to far gone dont even realise what im doing. I kinda just happens. Its like being in a daze my mind clears, tears run down my face but in a trance.

Step five:

The bad bad step

So right now im on step 1

Trying is too hard

This is going to be the last blog i write, for the past 4 years i have known things were not perfect but i was in love. The kind of love you feel once in your life time. The kind of love that you get butterflies from whenever you see them and u feel sick when not round them.

I missed you when you slept. I laughed when you laughed. Smiled just because your smile is infectious. I cried when you cried and sat with you when you couldnt sleep.

Even through all this i knew your were not mine, i knew you were speaking to over girls, i kept it hidden. You said i worked to much, or was too clingy. I couldnt win. Then one day after a 3 day shift you ended it and my world shattered. I couldnt breathe and felt helpless. You couldnt give me a reason and from that day you changed. Everything about you changed, your face, the way you looked at me. The tone in your voice.

Everyday it seemed like you hated me more and more, but for what. Tonight you changed my Facebook password. Seems really silly, thats my memories. I have a bad memory and you know that so to take the only personal thing i have was not ok. Thats the contact to my kids.

You destroyed me in more ways then you will no. I didnt cheat, i didnt hit you, I worked, built you up and waited for you to come home.

But Ur happy now and I’m pleased for u. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong, sorry I worked to hard and sorry I wasn’t enough

I will always love u no and forever.

But now I need to say bye. Forgive me

SORRY I WASNT ENOUGH

It’s a weird feeling when u just make a decision.

The decision of all decisions. U get to a point when things are to much. When life isn’t enough.

When u realise u really have never been truly loved

U never have been secure. Not really.

When u care just a little to much

Breaking is kinda peaceful, hurtfull ,deverstating thing that gives u inner peace.

Well I guess I will see u around

Back to where I was. Sat alone and all I want to do is start cutting until my head shuts up. All alone again. Even when I’m round people. Can’t even say why. Cause I don’t know. It’s not just one thing. It’s the kids. It’s my relationship. It’s life

Heres a little back story. I have Endometriosis and the horrible disease has taken 6 babies from me before they were born. i always wanted a big family as although i had 6 sisters and 1 brother i was always alone as a kid and didnt want my children to be the same.

It hard being lonely and even as a adult i constantly feel alone.

I met my partner who has 2 kids of his own 2 boys the same ages as mine. I was so happy i couldnt have anymore but i would treat them like my own. I knew they were not mine biologically and i get that but while they stayed with us they would be treated the same. Although i was always careful about telling them off and always got permission from there dad first. Its just something i did incase it ever came back to bite me

GUESS WHAT …… IT DID

my partners ex never liked me she always thought i was taking the kids dad away from them. I will point out i refused to get with him until i knew it was over between them. I welcomed his kids and yes im not saying there wasnt difficult times but they way they were treated in our house was different to them at home.

I wont use there real names but P is the eldest and last time i saw him he was 8 and D was 5 the last time i saw him.

They both still slept with there mum at night which made it difficult here as they didnt do that with us, also they were treated like babies. To the extent they wouldnt eat beans or peas without a spoons. D didnt know how to wipe his bum and couldnt walk down stairs. P was treated like he has extreme autism and would never amount to anything.

He is the cleverest boy i have ever met and he knew it. He was cheeky and we had our falling outs but once again i left it to his dad to tell him off. He was begining to settle but everytime he went back to his mums he would go backwards again. H constantly had a cough on and off which i was asking if he could get checked but always told it cronic croup so nothing was done. But if i even suggested that he should be tested for asthma his mum would kick off.

D just wouldnt speak. but i got to teach him his first a-g of the alphabet and to walk down the stairs he was so proud.

But we were stopped from see them due to me being accused of hitting both of them repeated over the head.

No may i ask if my kids came back and told me this had happened nothing and i mean nothing on this word would stop me hitting the person being accused. The kids were stopped coming round. My partner filed for custody rights and the courts beleived the mum with no proof. I have had all the checks done, social services, my kids school the lot and they all have stated i wouldnt hit the kids.

We received the school photos today and its heart breaking how p looks. he is half the boy he use to be. For his mum to make him lie in court like that about some one and then stop him seeing his dad for over a year has clearly damaged this little boy.

Yes we didnt always get on but i would never hit him. Not sure how to make u understand what he is like. This boy cant lie to save his life. He tries but fails bless him. I am not saying he doesnt have issues but i do not think he has severe autism. i really do beleive his mum is mentally ill and is doing it for attention. i have called social services and not not only does P have ticks but D does to and when they left us they were both happy kids. My partner and i got engaged and that when everything changed. How can u get ur kids to lie like that. The poor boy looks traumatised in his picture.

There is nothing i can do about it though. The courts wouldnt even let my partner speak at the hearing. She dominated the conversation. and this isnt me just siding with my partner. D came round with bruises on his face for weeks and finally there dad mentioned it and what do u know he didnt show up with any after that.

The courts wont listen and neither will social services.