Although i know that my partner will leave me soon he is the reason im here, most days he doesnt want me. starting to think he only wants me when we go out and drink.

Cant blame him. my mental health. i do porn. most days i can barely walk on so much morphine most people would be in a permanent state of sleep and my kids are playing up so bad. His kids hate me enough to lie in court about me that my partner hasnt seen them in over a year.

all i want is to feel loved. hugs and kisses isnt much to ask for is but everyone gets bored of me. no family, no friends and i have pushed my partner away. pretty sure he is just here cause of the dogs.

i dont remember the last day i had no pain. even the little pain im in is what use to b my extreme pain. my extreme pain now is pain i never thought i could bare. everyone is so use to me being in pain now it means nothing, but its not nothing it hurts

Thought working from home would be better. BUT nope im passing out in pain again. Feel useless. Two weeks without the kids and im passing out. Feel like a crap girlfriend.

The pain the amount of meds im on.

I went so long able to control my feelings, keep my stress down and stay kinda calm.

But……

The kids dad kicks of for almost 48 hours in total. Calling me every name under the sun. Reminding me I’m all alone in this world. That eventually everyone leaves me. The fact I do adult work to provide for my kids.

The decision has been made that the kids wint see there dad anymore. He is back how he was. Threatening behaviour and I can’t trust him not to hurt the kids again.

Telling the kids has been hard. With this, my health, work and a relationship. I’m not coping. Won’t sleep tonight.

Kids are being naughty. Work is hard and I’m pushing my partner away. Not that he would notice. He is already on his way out. I know the signs.

Once again I’m in bed alone. How hard is it to be honest. Not hide things from me, or delay telling me.

Laying here with cuts on both legs, trying to work 3 jobs. While under souch hate and stress

Laying here wondering why I bother loving someone who clearly doesn’t care anymore, wondering why I go to work in pain and come home in pain.

Having the ex kick off and my fiance kick off

Why can’ten accept when they are wrong. Instead it’s broken promises.

I’m a bitch and people still take advantage of me. I’m someone u can wrong,but as long as I love u I will always come back to u.

So I lay awake at night thinking how I can be better for the person who betrays me

Today i watched a film about a fantasy island where u can change something in ur past. This started a discussion. wou;d i change being ill, would i change my childhood, my past relationships. the answer is no

i would have never had my womb out. All the miscarraiges and pain would be worth having my kids.

That probably sounds selfish.

Its been 4 years and i still cant walk down the baby isle or see my friends babies when they are first born

I avoid my neighbour when she is outside and has her youngest there.

Will i ever get over it

I cant find a number or a chatline to speak to so im going back to writing on here. Christma sis tough not being able to go out and clear my head beacuse if i go out in the cold i will be way to ill after.

The doctors have given me sleeping meds to help as i get about 3 hours sleep a night. So many things go round in my head. Im still trying to earn online and make some money for the kids as its just me, my partner and them.

the court case fucked up. Went from the judge telling that my ex and his family can only see them under supervision, And the ex would have to do a domestic violence course. To them all getting full access with nothing.

Im scared and angry. All i can do is take it back to court. Cafcass and the courts think the clerk who wrote it madea mistake but doesnt matter i have to take it to court to change it.

My doctors have told me i cant be there anymore as out the area and my doctors dont beleive in endometriosis so have given me anti depressants and sleeping pills instead.

I have been waiting nearly a year for councilling but not got that yet either. Lfe is getting harder and i am becoming a burden to all those around.

People on my TikTok are saying how positive i always am lol they dont know the real me

So i woke up from crying in my sleep again. Not the first time this has happened. Some times I block so much out in the day it all comes to a head when I’m asleep.

I had a psych review the other day and alot was spoken about just it’s timeto face it and get my head sorted out.

Tonight was the first time in a long time that i self harmed.

I cant cope the pain is so bad the hospital are saying its in my head and im on morphine daily now.

i can keep arrangements with what friends i have. the friends i have have no clue how bad it is cause even when i explain they really dont care.

i sleep most of the time due to the morphine my sight is blurring all the time once again due to morphine.

im passing out on a daily basis.

still working online selling pics and vids as it impossible for me to work a normal job.

i have just had enough.

i shit blood today, i felt like i was having another baby. the pain nearly made me pass out.

so i had enough i took a razor and cut myslef.