Yesterday was a hard day. I woke barely able to move and ended up not making my dentist appointment and heading to AnE.

After waiting in AnE a young doctor saw me and did alot of stretches and pushing into my hip that hurt. He then told me after looking at my notes that the pain i was in was due to depression, not real pain. I was also told that due to having chronic pain even a pin prick will feel like i have been stabbed.

I have Fibromyalgia. I was angry because he dismissed my pain and i have passed out about 12 times now due to the pain and cant go to the hospital at all. suffering at home on morphine is horrible

Today is hard very hard

Its one year since my mum died. One year ago i didnt/couldnt get to say goodbye. One year when i felt alone. One year when i had the last oppertunity to see her.

Its true when someone dies u think about all the good memories. We didnt have many but i barely remember the bad.

There is no grave or hole in the wall to lay flowers at. I have no money to do it myself. I wanted to plant a rose bush for her with a plack but its expensive.

My partners kids are here and its a reminder of the reason i couldnt see my mum. It wasnt them it was there mum and my partner. But they are a reminder.

This week is hard but each year will get easier. And with my memory issues each year i will forget a little more.

So day by day i will forget about my mum with nothing to remind me of her nothing to refresh those memories i will loose.

Well what a shitty fucking day

So i have been alone alot lately and decided to see who actual friends are. So i hide my birthday on Facebook so no one would get a notification it was my birthday.

Well guess what not one person remember, no family, no friends. i went out yesterday and brought my own cards from my partner and kids. Knowing full well they didnt remember either.

How little must i mean to people for them to forget my birthday. some people but not everyone.

I have been with my partner a year in that time i have remember his and his kids bdays and spoilt them. He forgot our anniversary and also my bday.

How do u forget ur partners birthday after a year. One YEAR

Now instead of a nice day he and the kids have been bickering allllllll day long. Kids have been acting up to the extreme and he hasnt helped.

Just another year closer to death with no one to morn me when i go

So today has been a hard day. not only did i wake up feeling ill and weak, i have been packing as we are moving on Friday. This means going thru all those boxes i have been avoiding.

Baby pics, pregnancy book and soo on.

Will i ever go over the fact i cant have more kids or will it always affect me.

When getting with some one u always take a risk.

I took the risk to dive into  relationship and finally kick the kids dad out because i feel more in love with some one then i ever have before.

u know the love where u cant stop thinking about them day and night. u check ur phone every 5 mins when they are not with u.

I fell in love to fast and gave everything and now im paying the price

…………………………………………………….

I still love him more then anything but dont receive it back.

but fuck it it doesnt matter

things dont matter

days dont matter they always consist of the same thing. the kids having tantrums and me ending up in pain and no one giving a shit.

my shoulder has been hurting alot and its got to the stage folding clothes is painful but fuck it it doesnt matter. i cant even use that arm to wipe my foofoo after the toilet.

i just won custody of my kids but had no one to celebrate it with. no one even suggested too. my bday is coming up but no one will care.

so its another night on the sofa. just not happy.

sooooooooooooo alone

and no one who cares. no one that wants to listen. everyone is so self centre.#

no one asked me how i feel about winning the court case, or my health, my mental health or the fact its the anniversary of my mums death next month.

I grew up knowing i wasnt loved by my family. it was made obvious. now im getting older and nothing has changed. I dont have anyone who is truly there for me. so one who would drop everything.

my partner use to be that person but not anymore. its just me again now

 

Sick of waiting for empty promises. If u say u will do something do it. But now I’m stuck at home.

Just annoys me when I get promised stuff and it never happens.

Things I will be doing

Putting me first

Getting a carer

Prioritize

Waiting around for help isnt working. U would not think I’m ill. I barely get help and have given up asking.

Yes I make myself get up, yes I get thru the day.

But if attention was being paid u would see I barely do it. So when I’m told u need help so I will stay at home to help for u to go back on that and fuck me off. It’s time to pay some one to help me.

Just cause I’m doing things doesn’t mean my pain isnt there, doesn’t mean I’m not forgetting what I’m doing whilst doing it. Doesn’t mean I dont feel faint and takes every effort to move.

But I will pay some one to help.

But I gave u access to my blog to read some times and u dont. So u wont even know

Its times like these I think about my mum.

Its 2am amd I cant sleep.

It’s the one year anniversary of her death next month. I have no grave to go to and still havent said goodbye.

People say life gets easier. And the pain eases. But how can it ease if I never said bye. Never gave her a last hug.

Been crying alot today. Posting pics of my kids as babies. I would do anything for just one more child.

My daughter is Ill with a liver issue and bone issues and her glue ear is back and causing her speech to go down hill.

It’s all getting on top of me. We have applied for a house but they dont like my credit even though I have improved it since Christmas.

It’s got a front garden and I want to do a flower patch for Barbara, kathy,mum, and John. Put plakes down. But we might not get the house.

Maybe one day I will stop crying maybe