Im so sick of feeling ill and in pain.
Everyday i wake up hurting it ranges from a dull ache to pain where i cant get out of bed.
I have now tapped a nerve in my left arm and have more meds to take for that. Waking up everyday in pain is draining.
I feel weak and drained.
Taking my kids swimming this afternoon and im dreading it. I am only able to use one arm and i have 2 kids that cant swim.
I cant get comfy. sitting, laying and sleeping is uncomfortable
Why dont people understand me.
So i dont speak to my family and im not exaggerating when i say if i died they would not care. My nan died and i found that out on facebook.
I dont have any friends i just have people i know. I dont understand how people have the energy to meet people when u have 2 kids at home. Im not being lazy there just isnt enough time in the day and if i dont message people first they dont message me.
I have reached out to my family and had no one reach back.
I try to speak to people about it all and how lonely it is. imagine not having anyone to tell ur stories to, or ur thoughts.
I have my partner but what about when i want a girlie conversation or just need family to speak to.
My partners family dont want to know me or my kids and we have been together over a year now. do u know how sad it is when its my kids bday and its just us and friends from school. no nanny or grandad, no cousins nothing.
People dont get how horrible it is. They say they do and they say it wouldnt bother them but that because they have there family and friends so they cant understand. so yeah it doesnt bother them right now but if they were in my situation it would.
I have my first councilling session tomorrow lets see how this goes.
Today is a pain day. Even writing this is so much effort with every stroke of the keys. Its hard to explain what the pain is like.
If i was too say everything hurts people would think i was exaggerating, but im not. Its hurting too have clothes against my skin they feel like sand paper. my scalp hurts everytime my hair moves.
Everything is such an effort tonight, i ache from head to toe. Standing and walking is hard. I wont make it upstairs tonight without crawling.
So once again im sitting here in tears alone as always
Today i lost my job. I worked in the Telecoms industry and was furloughed due to having an injection for endo that completely removes my immune system and with covid 19 around WE decided being furloughed til the injection wears off would be a good idea.
Well today turns out they are not happy with that anymore and have ended my contract with immediate effect.
It one thing after another. I try to get help from the doctors to deal with all this and they give me another number and that number is a voicemail that say they are not taking new people on.
I understand suicide
I wont do it but i understand it
So this is what happens when i try to change things.
I called the doctors and asked for help. As my normal go to is self harm. They gave me a different number to call which i did only to get a voicemail stating they are not taking on new people.
So thats help out the window. They have given me no other option.
So i decided to try and sort myself out as i have let myself go. Booked a hair appointment for friday. my partner offered to have the kids, but now he is called into work for the rest of the week and i need to cancel it. I havent had my hair cut in over a year.
Now i get work need him but i have been told to stay at home and shield as im on chemo meds. He has been told the same by his work to protect me but he is being called in for at least 2 days a week.
Not that anyone has noticed but im on a downward spiral trying my best and have no help.
So scrolling thru TikTok as i normally do i came accross a gorgeous women who said
Whales dont die of old age they just eventually get so tired they just drown.#
How sad is that. To think u spend your whole life swimming and taking water for granted to just be killed it.
……………………………………………………………………………………….
Maybe thats what we are doing slowly drowning in our own lives and when we die its because our body and minds are just too tired to carry on.
Today i have thought alot about all that has gone on the last year.
I sometimes feel like i am drowning in all that has happened in the last year.
Then sometimes i feel like i have done amazing to get through it all.
Other days i have no idea if im doing good or bad.
So in the last 12 months
MY MUM DIED
2 OF MY FOSTER MUMS DIED
MY FOSTER BROTHER DIED
MY DOG DIED
MY KIDS WERE LOOKED IN A HOUSE BY THERE DAD TWICE
I HAVE COURT TO GET FULL CUSTODY
THE CORONA VIRUS PUT US ON LOCK DOWN
MY PARTNER MESSAGED HIS EX TO TALK ABOUT THE GOOD OLD TIMES
I HAD MY OVARIES OUT
BACK ON CHEMO MEDS.
I think thats it. Maybe everyones life is like this an im taking it all to harsh. My hair is thinning i am back to doing adult work and im pushing everyone away unintentionally. My partner and i have worked through everything and for some unknown reason he is sticking around.
Last weekend i did something stupid and the bad thing is its all a blank. I remember going to my friends house having a small glass of wine. then going to the furnances and having a barcardi and coke and jagershots. then went to her house. we danced and her ex offered me drugs if i got my friend to sleep with him. we got in an arguement as thats not ok.
Thats the last i remember. The next day the police arrested me. I had got in my car and crashed it. well burst the tires. I went to the station the breath tested me at 55. They are not allowed to interview u until u are 35. Alcohol would normally leave ur system at about 10 per hour. I was there 5 hours and it took double the amount of time for the drink to leave my system. The police kept telling me that they would not have charged if i was a normal person and the alcohol level would have gone down as normal.
I now have a court date to worry about. Is there a chance of prison? Would i cope in prison.
How will i cope without a car when i have trouble walking distances. Will my partner stay with me if i become even more reliant on him.
I have decided that im going to speak to a doctor about all this and see if i can get some help. I have never believed in councilling but if i keep it all inside will i just crack.
Whats ur thoughts?
1 in 10 women have this disease but alot of doctors dont know about it or think they know and are wrong.
Im not an expert but i know a few things.
I have had 13 operations which have included –
Removing my ovaries
Removing my womb
My appendix was covered in endo and had to be removed
Had endo removed
Bladder and Bowel reconstruction
So i know a little. So when i phoned up for the prostap injection and my doctor said we need permission from the hospital i thought that was fine.
Just to have the local gynae say if u have had ur ovaries removed u dont have the injection.
WELL THATS NOT TRUE….
Endometriosis produces eastrogen just like the ovaries. This is what makes the endo grow and spread. THEREFORE even if the ovaries are removed endo continues to grow and spread. This is why the prostap injection is still given because it stops the endo and shrinks it.
The only way to stop endometriosis is but removing all of it.
…………………………
I am so sick of doctors not having a clue and me having to go back to square one again.
My partner is back at work, my kids are back at school and i sat in my car for an hour this morning just cause i didnt want to go into the house knowing i would be alone.
I dont do well alone at all. I cry, i get into my own head, i cant distract myself.
Yes Tarley was a dog but on multiple time she protected me against the ex. When i was pregnant with my son he went for me Tarley bite him and would not get off my lap. I use to protect her to when he use to go for her with a knife. The kids have been given the usual story that Tarley has gone to the farm.
I know she is gone but i walk down stairs expecting her to be there. Think i need ot be quiet in case i wake her. I went down stairs this morning without even thinking and open the back door for her and went back to bed.
I know it was her time to go and she was so weak she went very quickly but doesnt make it any easier.
I asked my partner for a date things would get better
but he didnt understand
i dont want a date he is certain but just something to work towards a end date. not a realistic one but just someday
Sounds silly to some but i need something, someday, anything in my life
Its unbelievable how much i want another child.
Some one walked into work with there new born i had to walk out and ended up in tears.
Endometriosis is so cruel.
The pain
13 operations that have made no difference
The 6 miscarriages
The hospital stays
People not believing a illness they cant see
The bloating and painful swelling
Not able to have more kids
The endless pain meds that i try not to rely on
The early menopause at 35
The chemo meds i have to take that no one cares about cause i dont have them for cancer
