Category: Uncategorized

Nothing to say

Lately i have wanted to write in here so much but i start and then my mind goes blank and i cant find the words to write down. So after starting yet another blog which has ended up in the drafts i have decided just to type whatever comes into my head.

So, been crying a lot lately and been very insecure. My looks, my weight, my relationship, my parenting and my mental health.

At present i have 13 unfinished blogs in my drafts, maybe one day i will post them but for now they are not finished.

Does anyone else hold grudges. I have one i just cant let go of and its starting to get to me. The anger, the upset.

But i have blogged about it before.

I was considering counselling but that would mean speaking about my past which if u have read my other blogs u would know thats not a good idea. So what do i do as i cant seem to let it go.

So here it goes again maybe getting my anger out on here will settle me. So wont go thru its all but basically my partners ex stopped me seeing my mum before she died and then stopped me going to her funeral.

Now i know what u think nothing would stop u in those circumstances, well if u have read my blogs u would know that the day i found out my mum had 2 days to live i was in hospital on ALOT of morphine and was unable to drive the 3 hours to see her myself. She stopped my partner from taking me due to threatening to take his kids from him.

His whole family are on her side and dont even know what she did. Her mum died a few weeks before mine. i sent my partner her ex round with flowers which i brought to give her a hug and made sure he told her he would take the kids as long as she needed. And what did i get, i got phone calls of my partners sisters abusing me and threatening me, and being threatened in the local club.

My partners mum writes posts on facebook about how his ex is such an amazing person and mum. I have been with my partner a year and none of his family want to know me. I thought when i got with him my kids would have more family and instead she wont even visit her real grandkids at our house. I post pics on her sons wall and she wont even like them.

But his ex has them round and gets invited invited to dinners and parties.

I love my partners kids but they have been treated like babies, The youngest turns up with bruises including on his face and cant speak. He is nearly 5. I have taught him to dress himself and put his shoes on. Neither of them knew how to do puzzles i have sat and done them with them. I played  a board game with him and its obvious he hasnt played one before.

The oldest is the sweetest boy, but brought him presents for his bday he went to take them home and she stood at the door and refused to let him in with his own pressies. He is 8 imagine how he felt. And now he has learnt how to lie. I tell him no and his natural response is i miss mummy. She has treated them like babies for so long they dont know how to act there age.

But there she is sitting pretty, being praised at every turn she takes. She brought her son cereal for his bday. He got more food for his bday then presents. And yes she has money.

Anyway thats enough from me for the night.

 

things i cant say outloud

So this one is to my partner the one i love.

Im  writing this down or typing as the case may be, because these things are hard to say and if i type them maybe just maybe i will be able to get through it all.

It helps im on morphine tonight as the box in my head these things are normally locked in is open.

Where to start…

Well you know the abortion i had at 14 plays on my mind. My step dads child (thought he was my real dad at the time). I was 20 weeks. The baby was alive inside me, it had finger nails and hair. My parents had some one pic me up and take me to mary stopes in london. I got a room to myself. I was taken down the cord was cut and i had to wait over night for my baby to die inside me. My child no matter how i got pregnant this was a living person. My baby, my first. the next day i was taken back down to have my baby removed. The whole time i was there i barely spoke and was in shock. I just cried.

But how did i get pregnant……….

my “dad and it wasnt the first time, or just him. All i know is we had a “uncle” stay with us and my mum would go out to bingo.

I remember running, screaming, hitting, i was tiny, It started at 9 years old and a total of 5 men. My “dad”, “Uncle”,people my parents know and my mums brother Derek. It hurt alot. The smell of deisel, the bruises, heaviness.

This might be hard to read and im sorry but u should know why i am like i am.

one night my mum went out, my sisters were at sleep overs, my dad had a friend over. I didnt get out of bed for 2 days after that night. I dont know why but im having flash backs. The wooden table was a little higher then me. i had bruises accross my hips. I bled for days. i was 11.

I was scared and i was alone. so when we watch a program that shows rape or violence and i go quiet. It means something has come back to me out the box. For now i will stop typing, but just know i am trying my best. Im trying to still be normal at 35.

why do some people get away with stuff

There is a certain women that i hate.

NAME: Kelly

Reason: she happens to be my partners ex. Now normally this would not be a reason for me to hate her. But heres the story.

In september i was taken to hospital in severe pain (endometriosis playing up again). I was dosed up on more morphine then i usually take. Plus was waiting to be admitted and to be given a low dose of chemo. My partner needed to sort something out so left for about 45mins. Within in this time i received a phone call saying my mum had 2 days to live. Obvious reasons i was hysterical. I told the doctors to let me discharge myself as soon as my partner got back. They gave me the injection and let me leave with him. The plan was to go and see my mum who was about 3 hours away.

Heres where i started to hate her. My partner contacted her and asked if he could miss having the kids that night and she said no. So i didnt go and arranged that his youngest would come the next day and go with my partner to a play area while i was saying my goodbyes to my mum and his eldest would go to school and after school club. We arranged it all. Kelly found out and part of the way to my mums she cancelled his eldest afterschool club. Leaving us no choice but to turn round and come back. My mum died the next day. I never said goodbye and for all the hassle she then contacted my partners family who proceed to call me and kick off at me while i was out.

I never got to see my mum as i was on way to many meds to drive myself and my partner had any child care he pre arranged taken off him.

Thats not it..

Then came my mums funeral. Now if u have read my other entries you will know i have been sexually assulted as i child by family members. one is my mums brother. He was attending the funeral. Now it took me years to come to terms with it all and its something u never get over. I couldnt go alone so wanted my partner there. It was all arranged and once again all plans got cancelled. I never said goodbye and the hospital and also not at her funeral. There is no grave to visit and no way to get closure.

 

But what most dont know is that when her mum died i sent my partner (her ex) round with flowers. I told him to make sure we had the kids not only for the few days following but also for the funeral.

 

But none of that matters. She went to her mums funeral. She has told lies and my partners mum doesnt have any interest in even knowing. His sisters hate me.

All i want is for anyone to recognise her for what she is.

Every weekend her kids come mine. Lovely boys and its like they are my own. But people say she is an amazing mum but if thats the case why  is her nearly 5 year old treated like a baby. I have had to teach him to put his shoes on and to get dressed. Why does he come with new bruises every weekend. That im the only one who is questioning it. Apparently he is clumsy, funny how he has only ever hurt himself once here. The fact that neither child is able to share and cries over the smallest thing.

Im not the greatest mum out there i know that. but my 5 year old can read and write and gets her own clothes out. My 7 year old will offer to play games with my partners eldest. Granted not all the time.

Her nickname is princess. Its annoying that no one will stand up to her, not even my partner. He will put it off and put it off. He says fuck them and what they thing but still pass pleasantries with his family. He could have told her to go fuck herself and made sure i saw my mum. But nope no one bothers. And im not  allowed to mention anything. so i sit getting angrier and angrier. Bottling it up.

But its not the  first time she has caused issues. I had 2 of my step mums die last year aswell and also a court case for my kids and guess what i did the court case alone aswell.

The day of barbaras funeral i was unable to go as the court ordered my ex to give the kids back as he locked them in a house. But i was alone as always.

People like Kelly will always use the sympathy vote and play the victim. I unfortunately will never have anyone willing to go against the grain and fight my corner

me again

guess its time to get back to my old self.

the one thats always alone.

the one that is only contacted or spoken to when some one wants something or needs to complain about some one else.

am i not interesting enough?

do i not like the right things?

am i not friend material?

or even gf material.?

we all know im not wife material

im the girl u fuck

im sick of letting my guard down to have it thrown back in my face, u would have thought i would have learnt by now. learnt to stay guarded.

but nope i fall in love, or give to much.

whether its a friend or a partner, sooner or later they run out of things to say and then thats it.

some people can handle feeling alone in a crowded room. i am not one of those people. |I start to think what have i done wrong. maybe im not interesting enough or pretty enough

im not the smartest,

im not the prettiest,

im not interesting,

so what am i………………….

im not left with alot.

im the one thats ill, but doesnt look it

im the one with no family

im the only that the boys wanna fuck

im the one that doesnt matter

the one that will stand by and let people do what they want.

im the one that has no family or friends.

the one with scars on her body.

the one that goes through 13 operations alone cause no one cares enough to come.

the one that has no one turn up to there funeral.

but i plod along still in hope that one day some one will think im special. and i will let my guard down to end up being alone again and again.

things are not great but no one notices. im told i over think thing and maybe i do. but surely there must be things in the first place for me to over think them.

im sure its me it always is. something cant be wrong with everyone else. im the common in it all. ME. the one that has no friends and feels no love.

so i sit in bed or on the sofa alone doing a cross stitch for no one to see. i plod through every day just like the last. getting angry and upset for no one to even notice.

so until i write again thanks for reading

I owe people nothing

Lately things have been hard once again due to the ex. Gareth.

Apparently i should be grateful for having kids with him as before we met i had 3 miscarraiges and with him i was able to have kids. So im ment to do what ever he says and thank him for the rest of my life.

Now what he hasnt said is that he caused 3 miscarraiges before i had my son and daughter, he hasnt mentioned that when my waters broke 7 weeks early he was playing online with his mates and his friends had to tell him to get off line to help me. He also hasnt said that he spent all our money on Fifa packs and gambling so i had to walk over a mile to the hospital and back again while still leaking. leaving me with sores. The fact i was in labour for 52 hours and the whole time he was telling me to shut up as he had a headache and he wouldnt even get riley dressed when he was first born. Now we go onto demi he didnt even turn upto that birth i went in on a scheduled induce. He didnt turn up which turnt into an emergency C section where he daughter actually was born not breathing. I was unconscious due to being put to sleep so demi took 3 mins to breathe aided and 5 to breathe on her own. He wasnt there so demi was without a parent for 2 1/2 hours. being held by strangers. Or the fact that when they said i could finally come home he said he didnt want me home and the hospital agreed to keep us a few extra days.

Not letting me potty train riley until he was 4 as didnt want the mess. Not letting me phone ambulances for the kids until it was nearly too late when they had breathing difficulties. When the doctor at the hospital says it was nearly to late its not me over reacting.

But im ment to be thankful to him for not hugging me when we found out we were pregnant. For hitting me during the pregnancies, for isolating me so i had no one.

But it shouldnt bother me as much as it should that he has lied to everyone and made out its all me when police reports say otherwise. Now he has locked my kids in his nans house twice leaving me no choice but to go to court to get an emergency custody order. But its to late the kids are scarred and ask why it all happened. Im left picking up the peices and he is there playing the victim. The courts found 19 reports of domestic violence against me but he has so many people wrapped around his little finger. Now the kids may never see there dad again. Yes i get what everyone thinks maybe its a good idea. But i grew up with no family at all. I went to foster families and left home alone, i had no one to speak to. And it damaged me.

I want them to have supervised visits not alone time with him just something.

Insomnia

So it turns out insomnia is a part of the menapause. Would love if the doctors had told me about all these side effects.

The no sleep, the pain, dry skin, barely able to string sentences together, mood swings, aches and pains, the night sweats and hot flushes.

But what I was told was is that I would be cured and no more pain my life would be alot better. I never believed I would be cured but did think I would be a little better off. But now I’m being told I still have endometriosis plus a lump they didn’t even touch. Need more surgeries and have all the extra symptoms on top.

One day sure things will get better just wish that day was now.

On the bright side I’m starting to believe the man I am with is the one that I deserve. He is funny, gorgeous and actually loves me.

Still getting use to things like having my own money, not having to ask for permission for things, being allowed lie ins. It’s the small things like always sitting on the sofa together. Him holding my hand on walks. He even brought me a ps4 today I don’t remember the last time I got a present.

So the lockdown

Hope everyone is coping OK.

I’m at the stage where I’m not sleeping much. I think I have figured out why. Cause as soon as I realised I burst into tears. Struck a nerve.

Before the lock down I had alot going on but I had work and a busy schedule to keep all the crap that’s locked away on my head at a distance I could handle. But being on lock down its all right there. I can’t hide from it anymore.

So at night I don’t sleep. When I manage to sleep I’m getting about 4 hours. Which then causes my body to be in pain. Which then makes me more tired.

So the things that are on my mind…

To start with there is me being ill. The hot flushes, the pain, the headaches, the night sweats, the allergic reactions to my own body temperature (yeah I’m allergic to body heat) and there there is the mental health side of things. To top it off I have been told during surgery the lump they thought was endometriosis wasn’t so they didn’t touch it as they were gynaecologists, so I have a lump between my spine and bowels that causes pain but no one knows what it is and won’t look into it until the lock down is over.

Then u have my relationship. He is great it’s me I’m over thinking everything and pushing him away. He doesn’t speak to me for half hour I think he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t hold my hand I wonder why he doesn’t love me. I’m so paranoid that he doesn’t love me and this is what is gonna make him leave me. And I wouldn’t blame him at all.

Then there is the kids dad. Cafcass have said he isn’t even allowed to speak to the kids now how do I explain that to them. They have been hurt enough as it is.

Lockdown

When u just want someone to notice that ur struggling…. But no one ever does.

Story of my life. Always feel alone.

I think I’m the problem, do I hide it to well, do I not express my self in the right way. Have I been alone for so long that people think I don’t need help.

If u haven’t seen me in 20 mins come find me, if I’m angry come hug me, if I’m crying show me u love me.

I’m not sure I was made for love. Was putting photos in a family frame and realised it’s just the kids and I. I have a fried photo frame that’s empty. I try to be a friendly nice person. I care way to much about people but no one cares for me. No one loves me enough to come find me at 12.30 in the morning when I’m sat on the sofa crying. No one ever loves me the way I love them. It’s just not ment to be. No one cares enough that if I dreamt about loosing babies to stay up with me the next night when I’m to afraid to go to sleep incase I dream it all over again.

I know it’s all my fault. I push people away. I’m not enough and never will be.

Wasn’t enough for my parents or the rest of my family. Wasn’t enough for friends. Just never enough