Category: Uncategorized

Can’t sleep

Tonight will be a long night. I’m so tired but can’t sleep. Last night I barely got sleep as had 3 nightmares. The first I had a miscarriage. Now in reality I have had 6 miscarriages all resulted in me having breakdowns and last night I relived it. Some were earlier the others. I don’t wanna say the worst one but I don’t know how else to discribe it. But that was the one I dreamt about. I was 6 months and 4 days. I started bleeding and the took me to the labor ward to give birth. There was babies crying, women in labor so much noise. I gave birth to a little boy that they took away that I didn’t get to hold, that I didn’t get to see. I was 16 at the time.

The second was a dream dream as hasn’t actually happened in real life. the second was a toddler a baby girl the some how drown on a sinking wreckage. No idea what made me dream that.

The third my little girl got off the bus a stop before and I didn’t notice l. I was running up and down the streets I couldn’t find her anywhere.

Now I can’t sleep. Wide awake. Maybe because I can’t take another dream. What is wrong with me. Why am I having such bad dreams. I have never really got on with my mum and she died last September but never missed her that much until now.

 

It’s gonna be a long long night

Mothers Day

Growing up was hard and i was moved round alot. Growing up i had 4 mums. None of them are here today.

My real mum tried her best to protect me, but also had a hand in what happened. She tried to make it up to me but it pushed us further apart. I was so ill when i was told she had only days to live. I couldnt get there by myself and no one would take me. She died without me saying goodbye.

Barbara was my next mum she was always there for me and took me in when i was left at home alone, or run away, or when my family didnt want me. My happiest memories are with barbara, horse riding, her curries, the hugs, she took me in with no hesitation. She died last year, the day before her funeral my kids dad locked them in a house. I missed her funeral getting my kids back i think she would have been ok with that.

Cathy was such an amazing lady, when i ran away at 14 she under no hesitate took me in, treated me like her family. Made a room for me, shopping trips and lots of fun. She herself was ill with parkinsons and sadly lost the fight last year to.

Then we have Teresa. She didnt even know my situation but something inside her made her want t protect me. she brought me lunches at work, we laughed and she asked me to call her mum. She didnt come into work one day cause she suffered from migraines, i thought nothing of it. That night i got a call saying she had lost her sight and died half hour later. A call you never want to get.

So people are celebrating mothers day today. but i dont want to, i wanna have hugs and stay in bed. I want today to end. My mums are not here. The first year after they have died and no one has even released this might be hard for me. The reason being is no one cares. Anyone that did care ha died.

What a rollercoaster

So this week has been a weird week.

Firstly a guy from wor brought in his new born and i had to leave the room and cry, its hard knowing there is no chance i can have another kid. With my ovaries out im having full side effects. such as hot flushes and night sweats. The issue is i have now been told im not allowed on any HRT as u cant take it with a heart condition.

Its not just that its that they promised me no more pain or issues. My bladder is weaker, i have dropped to the floor several times already in alot of pain and seems to be taking lyrica everyday atm. Im disappointed thought i was gonna be a normal person again.

My daughter was off ill the other day, cant get her in the doctors due to her having a cough and 111 told us to keep her off school. Her temperature returned to normal and she returned the next day. I went in today to work and coughed. was told to leave and wait in the breakroom for a laptop to take home so i can work from home. A women walked in saw that i had a cough and refused to come in the break room until i had left. Obviously this upset me so went to my car. To be called back into work and my boss get told off as she isnt allowed to send me home. There has been comments all day about staying away from me.

I get everyone is scared and i understand but im the one that might die if my work gets it as i have underlying health issues. They sent a lady home today who has MS as they are worried about her catching it. But what about the rest of us that are ill. I get she is in a wheel chair and i do feel for her but there is a pregnant lady at work im not well and a month ago came off chemo so have no immune system but we still have to come in.

 

Schools and works should be on lockdown. Both my kids are ill and its constant worry. Single mum life is hard. K was concerned until boris on TV said we will all loose love ones. I only have my babies.

I think this is a man made illness and i think its got out of hand.

Keep going

The last few days I have felt worse then I normally do. Everything hurts and aches. I’m so tired like I haven’t slept in a few days.

My arms and legs feel funny while my heart feels like it’s pounding. A cold cough and sore throat, just wanna feel stronger like I was ment to after my operation. But I don’t feel better at all. My stomach still swells, my legs still cramp, my back still aches and the sharp pains still keep me. Up

Coping

How do people deal with things? Seems to be one step forward and 20 back.

Coping with one or maybe two things at a time i can handle that. But what happens when everything comes crashing down?

Within the last 7 months i have had 2 foster mums die and my real mum, the father of my kids just up and leave the area and there grandma, deal with a court case as my ex and his family took my kids, gone through several jobs, debts, debts and more debts, the constant abuse of my ex and his family, my boyfriend messaging his ex behind my back and my ovaries out.

Now tell me how to cope? I block all this out all day but as soon as i get a quiet moment im crying my eyes out. I have my ex questioning my sanity all the time. Im trying to prove myself and work and be a good mum working a fulltime job and full custody of my kids.

My chest is hurting, im not sleeping great where do i go  from here?

I think having my ovaries out has tipped me over the edge. The thought of not having more kids kills me inside. Heartbreak actually hurts for real. But no one understands. I already have 2. But i cant go to a doctor as my ex has asked the court for a mental evaluation on me.

I just give up. Im done faking a smile.

??????

Well tonight the pain is unreal. I feel dizzy and sick from the pain. I dont know if its the endo they didnt remove or from the operation. I am looking forward to work tomorrow but will not be sleeping until this eases and have no pain meds with me.

 

My hip feel like they are being pulled apart and every wave of pain is making feel like i will pass out

Things not to say to a girl with Endometriosis

So came out of my operation yesterday they only removed my ovaries but wanna see me in 2 months.

things did not go to plan in the recovery room and spend 2 hours in there. the glue they used did not hold an one of my cuts came open there was more blood then i have ever seen before. Nurses and doctors were rushing round and the surgeon was called back in. I had 2 numbing injections around the cut and was sewed up. I was finally taken back to the ward.

I was allowed out the same day as they only did the ovaries. I was getting dressed made my bed sorted my stuff out and heres what the nurse should not have said.

YOU CANT BE IN ANY PAIN THE OR YOU WOULD ASK FOR MEDS.

Well that wasnt true i was in pain but the endo pain is a thousand times worse. so to be told im not in pain was just mean. say well done for doing so well. No im not crying in my bed like the other 5 people on the ward but i have had 13 surgeries and normally have so much pain that i pass out from it.

 

Second thing unless u know about endo and the fact IT HAS NO CURE. please dont turn round and say

THINGS WILL BE EASIER NOW

thats simply not true the pain will be the same maybe a little better but endo will always come back.

 

 

Not sure u will read this

On our way home after the op now and I’m upset. But don’t really know how to explain.

It valentines day and had my operation today to have my ovaries out.

They said I could go home tonight even though I was ment to stay in.

For the first time in a long time I kinda felt unloved the feelings I had when I was due to come out of hospital when I was with Gareth.

There was no excitement to have me come home. I was excited to tell u but had nothing back. Just the sound of frustration in ur voice. Like it’s effort. And I understand u have the kids so some effort is required. Then u get there and I’m all smiles until there’s no hug no hand holding. Nothing.

Am I to much of an effort.

I feel hurt and tbh a little unloved.

When will I get some one running up to me to hug me or even that big hug saying I know today was hard but I got u.