The day before my operation

So tomorrow is my operation to remove my ovaries. Its not the operation in itself i am not looking forward to but what i am having done. From tomorrow i will be on medication for the rest of my life.

I will have to come to the realisation that there will be no option left for me to ever have more of my own kids. Thats the reason i have decided to agree to go into work monday to take my mind off it all.

Loving the new job though and looking forward to getting on the phones and doing well and finally getting my debts paid off without having to sell pics and videos of myself online.

So tomorrow i get up have a bath get my hospital bag ready and be there for 11.30, all ready to sign in and have more tests. Will be a overnight stay as well.

Now all i need is the dickhead of an ex to pay me the maintenence he owes me.

Also he has instructed me to prove i am ill and to also prove i am having an op tomorrow

Isnt Life Funny

Good and bad things happen when you least expect it.

But does everything really happen for a reason?

Do you really make your own luck?

And do good things really happen to those who wait?

Personally i dont believe in these

Firstly the whole things happen for a reason. This one does my head in.

“OH you got hit by a bus, must have happened for a reason” Yeah the reason is your a dumbass and stepped into the road or the bus driver cant drive. Either way one of you are a dumbass. It wasnt some godly act to reduce the population by one person.

Although, while we are on that subject i do think the virus’s going round that kill hundreds or thousands could be being used to control the population.

On another note why not just bring back the death penalty and kill rapists and murders. All killing a rapist is to kind. he should be torchered by the person he raped first.

Secondly you make your own luck

No you dont. I know assholes that have won the lottery. Now you tell me how they got there own luck to win the lottery. Thats alot of luck to make. What did they do shovel shit with there tongue to make that much luck.

Thirdly dont make me laugh. The whole good things happen to those who wait.

Urmmmmm is crap cause say something good happens after a week or a year or a month. Of course you are gonna think its about time, i have waited for something good to happen for ages.

Oh and while we are on the subject of bullshit.

YOU FLAT EARTHERS
Can u be anymore deluded. Have you seen the pics from space. You dont make a model of the solar system and use a disk for earth do you? No you use a pingpong ball. WHY? CAUSE THE EARTH IS ROUND.

OH just to add this in PLUTO IS A PLANET AND ALWAYS WILL BE. where else is mickey gonna live.

Cold and in pain

That’s it

PAIN

I am writing this to try to take my mind off the pain I am in right now. Trying not to pass out. Trying not to be sick.

When I say pain I mean tears down my face the feeling of my tummy being ripped apart from the inside.

All I m do is think of my op next week and preying the pain eases after.

But right now I am in tears on the bathroom floor trying to write this to control the pain. I prefer to be alone when like this so I don’t have to hide it. I know I shouldn’t hide it but people must see me do the school runs and smile and think it can’t be that bad. I have just learnt to hide it very well. People go in hospital for less pain then this

I’m eyes are stinging from cry, my back is throbbing, my hips feel like they are being pulled apart and my tummy is being torn at by and invisible animal. My head is spinning but this is a regular thing for me. Doctors provide lots of pain killers that at this point won’t even touch the pain.

Now so tired it drains me

Thank u for listening thru the worst of it for now. Need sleep. #endometriosis

Cant sleep

It 11.30pm and I cant sleep. I should sleep considering im ill from not relaxing enough. But I cant.

To many things going through my head. Like the court case on Wednesday and might be loosing my licence.

If I don’t send my licence off for my change of address it illegal for me to drive but if I do there is a high chance it will being taken off me for being ill. Im not like most people, I cant afford taxis everywhere but I cant do buses. The waiting around for one will hurt me and the ride will hurt even more. I will be unable to work as wont be able to get the kids on time after work.

Every time I have the chance of a career something happens.

I don’t want to be frowned at for not working but work is hurting me.

Where will that leave me and my partner. I will have no independence anymore. I don’t wanna rely on other people. Will he think less of me for not working. Will he get bored. How will the kids see there dad as he wont bother travelling for them.

Then I have court Wednesday where they will decide who has custody over my kids. I have a good case and the dad isn’t even going to turn up. Doesn’t stop it being scary. Plus the 4 hour drive.

Im tired but I cant sleep. But I cant seem to make any decisions either. Where do I go from here, what do I do?

Another Day in hospital

I started a new job 2 weeks ago which means waking up and getting the kids to school by 7.45am. Getting to work by 8.30m, finishing work by 5pm and picking the kids up before 5.30pm.

This 5 days a week. With a 45 min lunch where I need to do shopping and stuff. By the time I get home its about 5.45. After I have cleaned and cooked its nearly 7pm and the kids go to bed ready for school in the morning.

Turns out im over working myself, my heart rate is going as low as 30bpm upto over 125bpm. No one knows why and I collapsed 6 times over the last 24 hours. My body aches from the falls and I am barely able to stay awake. This morning I called 111 for advise and they sent an ambulance. Had all the normal tests done (ecg, bloods, blood pressure). But by then my stats were normal so sent home to call the heart doctor im under. Would be nice to just get answers as to if its my endo causing the collapses and weakness or if its epilepsy or heart issues. No one seems to know.

I quit work and I do not get any help as my partner earns. I carry on working and I wll be in a early grave (not an exaggeration).

My heart is worse, my health is worse, whats my options.

OOOOOOH the anger (but am i right to be angry?

How does anyone know if there anger is truly justified?

Chest is hearting AGAIN.

Im working hard sending my kids to morning club and after school club to show them you work for what u get. but tbh what do i get in return. Kids i barely get to see, who are tired. Me being ill barely able to stay awake past 7 and a huge strain on my relationship, thats if i even have one anymore.

Major surgery soon which should be a huge worry but with everything thats the thing i am least worried about the most.

People dot see how ill i am. WHY? Cause i dont play on it and im not a wimp. YES so now its classed as my fault cause i dont show it or remind people every 20 minutes. I smile through the pain of a full time job on barely no sleep, and i walk normally when people are watching me but hold my breath the whole time to mask the pain, taking a big breath when they turn away. I make out its me being old.

BUT people close to me should know this, they should know me well enough to see when im struggling. im glad the 50 year old women can work fulltime and then cook a 4 course meal and shop and change the beds. I CANT.

I start work in pain and finish work in pain and thats only half my day done. But i keep going for my kids.

Where does my life go from here. Im loosing my health, my house and my sanity. I dont even know where my relationship is at right now. I dont even know if there is trust anymore. Without trust there is no relationship.

I am not blaming anyone, its me i know it is. All my relationships have gone the same. I fall in love to fast and the guy relaxes leaving me feeling lonely and cold. I give way to much time, money and effort way to fast. I end up laying in bed unable to sleep with a million things running thru my head.

I know i need to change but i dont know how. Where do i start?

All i want is to be taken care of, to be the one in focus for just a little while everyday.

You know what i want is to be considered. I am sick of waiting for a guy to want me. Im sick of being in relationships and waiting for guys to commit. Be with them months or years and have no commitment for them to be in other relationships 5 mins and have moved in or a ring on the womens finger. Why should i wait. what are they waiting for? Why am i not good enough for them to want a future with me or want to take the next step.

SICK OF WAITING. SICK OF NOT BEING CONSIDERED. SICK OF COMMITMENT BEING THE LAST RESORT.

Another Day

so today is another day of pain. To the point i am passing out again. I start a new job tomorrow and i can barely walk, when i do im limping. Should i have stayed off sick like i was told to or am i doing the right thing and working.

All i know is that i have alot of pain. Didnt even have the strength to dye my hair today.

The PAIN:

Im not talking about a little pain, a little pain i can handle i hav can my shoulder popped out and back in with no pain meds. so when i say im in pain i mean it. and if other people see im in pain then it rediculously bad as i hide it as much as i can.

But this pain feels like my left hip is constantly being punched from behind but some one is trying to rip it out at the same time.

when i stand or try to walk it feels dislocated and sends sharp pains accross my tummy and don my leg.

Passing out from the pain is not fun i am covered in bruises. How can i be sexy and attractive when i passout, have bruises and cant bare to wear clothes.

i have been given the prostap injection again on friday waiting for it to kick in.

Honestly dont know how im gonna cope this week. but i have to. and i will spend most nights in bed crying from the pain i am in.

I best sleep

What an adventure

Life can be a funny mess sometimes but u keep going.

I will apologise now I’m on lot of meds

.the issue with meds is the box that locked away all the bad stuff in ur head is freed

My lost babies, the loss of virginity at 9, the older men that paid to fuck me between the age of 9 and 14 l.

God I’m tired but only sleep a little when I do.

So what’s life?

Wish I knew atm I’m just plodding along hoping for the best

Well seems like in writing a boring blog tonight

But here’s the things running thru my head while I’m on very high doses of mordphine.

Why can I only open 1 eye lol. I look stupid

Why am i acting strong all the time on the upside I have really soft skin

Things I don’t say

So it’s Christmas Eve Eve and once again I can feel the stress, so I thought I would write.

Everyone has things they don’t say to people, whether it’s u don’t like there hair or u are not in love anymore.

Well these are some of mine……

When some one asks if endometriosis is pain. My normal response is yes it hurts alot. What I don’t say is its one of the most common illnesses for women and can cause u so much pain u can pass out or throw up.

There are other things too, like I don’t tell people I’m actually really shy behind this front I have and the fact u hate posting pics of myself online to earn money. But no one else is gonna help me bring up my kids.

I don’t tell people to stop being so depressed when all u do is sit at home all day. If u got a job u wouldn’t be so down.

I dont tell my partner that I’m scared of loosing him or that I don’t think he is ready for the ready made family that I am.

I don’t tell my ex that I wish I hadn’t had kids with him as he isn’t a good dad or that how he treated me for 8 years has left me broken.

I don’t tell anyone that not having a family support system is one of the hardest things in my life. No one to talk to.

I’m not very good at opening up as it makes me look vulnerable. People can hurt me then.