We really are always alone. So why bother.

Everytime I try to get close I have to go thru something alone.

And once again its a funeral. But as per usual I will have to do things alone.

WHY do I not get comfort and support

How do I know if I’m just being a bitch, overthinking things, being needy or actual for once am I right.

Would like replies if people read this

I’m hard work I know this. I’m an emotional wreck but this year I have had heart issues which are getting worse. The partnership between the kids dad and I broke up. He left and moved over 100 miles away leaving me with alot of debt. 2 of my Foster mums died and so did my mum within 4 months. Now the kids gran has up and left the area. So I have the kids 24/7. Yes I know they are my kids and I love them but I am also disabled and have major surgery early next year and a pace maker to be fitted at some point. All I wanted was one night off a week. Instead for me to have a break I have to drive them 2 hours and that’s only one way. So in total its 8 hours of driving. I have already had a heart attack on the m6 a few years ago.

But no one is concerned about the pressure I have on me. I can’t break down. I still collected the kids from school yesterday after sitting outside wiping the tears from my eyes.  I still have to provide Christmas and try not to stress.

So is it to much to ask to be listened to once in a while

Maybe cutting everyone out would be a better option.

Some people are more concerned about the ones that say they are depressed over something on a social media site by u know real world problems

I have written in here a lot lately all stuff about me being down. So now i am sat at work unable to concentrate. I have one guy messaging me asking for me to where heels to work and can he give me a foot massage.

my partner sad because thats all i seem to make him.

Drama coming form every angle.

I think i should move closer to ex so my kids have family. But i start a new job on monday with better money and better future opportunitys.

but i finally have a great guy and friends. but my kids come first and i just make my man sad.

 

he would be better off if i left. he would find someone who is not stressing all the time, or on meds that are making her hair fall out and not sleep well or making her ill all the time.

 

Im to tired to do anything or cook.

 

What people are not understanding is im not a good mum and need that break of a night a week to recover from the early starts and late nights.

 

No one even notices how ill i am. funny thing is if u could see my illnesses people would be fussing and not letting me move. but oh u cant see its so im fine. not in pain at all, or dizzy or weak.

Its fine it will never change.

 

What do u do when u don’t wanna get ur painkillers from the doctor because u know u will do something stupid.

 

U need antidepressants but can’t take them cause the bad days while ur body gets use to them could end u.

 

When all u do is stress nd cry. When every smile is a fake one.

When ur laying in bed in the dark talking urself out of self-harming.

Writing in ur blog to try to cope.

 

 

I’m so sick of crying. Trying to keep a brave face on. Selling naked pics of myself just to get money for my kids. Being the doormat. Never being good enough. Everyone thinking I’m strong when I’m the weakest around. Having an anonymous blog as I would be shut out if people knew how I feel. Struggling everyday with life, love, work and being a mum.

My mental health is bad. Not sleeping much. Nightmares are back, waking in the middle of the night. This injection no one gives a fuck about is making me ill (but fuck it people can’t see the illness’s I have so can’t be real).

Just sick of the struggle. My heart doesn’t work properly as it is. Why can’t it just give up. Maybe not wake in the morning.

Sometimes u gotta be cruel to be kind. And me not being here may seem selfish and cruel now but in the long run it would be for the best.

Who cares anyway.

 

 

 

Morning everyone who reads this.

Sorry for any spelling mistakes hoping spell check corrects it.

Took oramorph and lyrica last night. Not feeling good at all this morning. The hangover from it is worse then one from drinking.

Work won’t notice that I can’t see straight. I still drove to work and dropped the kids off. Still waiting for operation date for my endometriosis.

The chemo meds are draining me alot. Feel tired alot and not hungry at all which isn’t good.

Need to make money for Christmas and start a new job in a few weeks.

Anyway I’m ment to be working

Speak soon

THIS WILL ALL BE IN CAPS AS I’M JUST SO PISSED OFF.

WRITING IN HERE TONIGHT SO I DON’T KICK OFF AND REGRET IT.

WHY DON’T PEOPLE GET IT

MY EX:

CONSTANT MESSAGING. U HAVE A FUCKING GF DO ONE.

I’M SICK OF FINDING WOMEN’S UNDERWEAR AND CLOTHES IN MY HOUSE WHERE I CHEATED ON.

SICK OF HEARING HOW I HAVE GOT A JOB AND CAN SPOIL UR NEW GF. BUT HAVE LEFT ME WITH A LOAD OF BILLS THAT I DIDN’T PAY WHILE I WERE HER AND DIDN’T HAVE A JOB TO SUPPORT UR 2 KIDS AND ME FOR THE 8 YEARS I SLEPT IN MY SOFA.

OH BUT I LOVED ME. SUCH BOLLOCKS.

LOVE WAS STAYING WITH U FOR THAT LONG THRU THE BEATINGS AND A USE. THAT WAS LOVE FOR ME.

NOW THERE IS SO MUCH HATE.

I’M SICK OF HAVING A HEARY CONDITION, ENDOMETRIOSIS AND FIBROMYALGIA. WORKING A FULL TIME JOB AND TRYING TO KEEP THE HOUSE RUNNING WITH THE 4 ANIMALS U LEFT HERE.

I’M SICK OF THE SHIT I GET FROM UR FAMILY CAUSE OF THE WEB OF LIES U HAVE SPUN.

I HATE THE EMOTIONS I AND UR FAMILY PUT OUR KIDS THRU AND THE FACT I HAVE TO DRIVE THEM 2 HOURS EACH WAY FOR THEM TO HAVE CONTACT WITH U BUT I DON’T PAY ME A PENNY.

 

CURRENT MAN

I HATE THAT U DON’T UNDERSTAND.

THAT U SAY CHRISTMAS WILL BE OK BUT U HAVE MINIMAL TO BUY.

THAT U THINK MONEY IS OK. BUT I LIVE IN A LITTLE FLAT AND DON’T HAVE UR KIDS FULL TIME AND GET TO WORK 2 JOBS. DON’T HVE CLUBS TO PAY FOR OR A FULL WEEKLY SHOP.

NO THINGS FINE.

OR THAT U DON’T LISTEN TO ME ALOT OF THE TIME.

HAVE U SETTLED WITH ME AND  NOT AS IMPORTANT ANYMORE.

DO I STRESS U TO MUCH AND THIS IS U SAYING WE ARE DONE. I’M SICK OF U POINTING OUT HOW MUCH HAIR THERE IS LAYING AROUND WHEN I KNOW THE MEDS ARE MAKING ME LOOSE IT.

 

ENDOMETRIOSIS AND HEART CONDITON

I’M SICK OF MY HAIR FALLING OUT TO THE POINT IT’S NOTICABLE.

I’M SICK OF BEING SICK AND CATCHING EVERYTHING AROUND BUT CAN’T AFFORD THE FLU JAB.

I’M SICK OF WAITING FOR ANOTHER OPERATION. OR MY HEART DOCTOR TO CALL TO SAY MORE IS WRONG.

I’M SICK OF THE PAIN AND THE STRESS.

 

I’m not sure letting people in my life is a good idea.

 

I’m tired, stressed, ill and can’t b bothered.