Not coping

I’m not coping atm.

All those walls I built up are breaking down. All the memories bad and good are coming back.

I had a dream my mum was still alive and was a joke. But she isn’t and I didn’t get to see her.

I’m on alot of pain meds like morphine. Mum is gone, Barbara is dying and Cathy is gone.

My mind won’t process it. I have so many questions.

Was mum with anyone?

Did she know it was the end?

Was she scared?

I don’t want her to be scared.

Did it hurt her?

Was she awake when it happened?

Did she know I love her?

I don’t remember the last time I told her. Now I never can.

I hope there is something after death and she knows I’m sorry.

What now though. What happens? How do I organise things?

My head isnt working properly. I cry all the time or pass out asleep. I don’t wanna be alone.

Called doctors for help but worried they will admit me in to a unit.

I just wanna walk off a bridge and join mum. I can’t do this. I can’t be here. It all hurts to much.

I don’t wanna loose Barbara. She helped me thru so much. She took me horse riding and cooked amazing curries. She always was there for me. And took me in. She was always on my side.

I dunno how to cope. It’s all to much.

Mum died today

Today I found out my mum died about 4am. I was going to see her today. Now she isn’t here anymore.

I’m gonna break. And I can’t stop it.

Another mum of mine who took me in when I was cast out by mine has lung and brain cancer and doesn’t have long either.

My Foster mum died 2 weeks ago.

How do I cope with this. Can’t stop crying, I’m lashing out at people who are trying to help.

My mental health isn’t great anyway. I feel numb, confused, alone.

Can’t stay awake, endo pain is bad.

Where do I turn. Do I take my meds and block it all out.

Tried to call doctors as if I break I will end up in mental health unit again. Trying not to self harm. It’s hard people don’t understand.

Just want to numb it all, stop the random crying and give up.

What would u do?

Endo fucking sucks

I’m on here tonight, actually I dunno why I’m here. Won’t change anything.

What endo brings.

Bloating so I look fat

Pain so I look like a wimp

Seizures due to the pain, that make me look stupid

Tired so I look lazy

But worst of all its the babies.

6 heart breaking miscarriages.

2 amazing kids.

But can’t have more. People don’t get that’s upsetting. No one understands why the prospect of my ex having more kids is devastating.

Its doesn’t matter no one gets and no one cares

People say all the wrong things.

Don’t say:

But some people can’t have kids at all

U already have 2

It would be like a guy loosing his balls. Its a major part of who u are.

Laying in the bath at 3.11am. THANKS endo

It’s 3.11am on a Sunday morning and I’m in the bath trying to ease back pain. Would say back ache but that really doesn’t do it justice.

With my belly very swollen and my back throbbing like I have been hit by a car. I wonder when I will get to sleep.

My partner is in bed with a 12 hour shift ahead of him and I don’t wanna wake him and complain of my pain. He wouldn’t mind of course but I would knowing how tired he will be tomorrow.

I have a bedroom to move round later today. Tried to do some yesterday did half of it before I was out of breath and hurting.

THIS IS MY BAD WEEK (10 DAYS)

But hopefully I will get the prostap injection this week. That helps ease the pain slightly. But will eventually kill my ovaries and I will have no hope of saving any eggs.

The injection itself comes with drawbacks and acts like chemo does. I will loose some hair, be sick and my immune system will all but disappear. Its the price I pay to have less pain.

Things I have found out this week…

Love isn’t dead.

Don’t push away the ones that love u the most.

I have a seizure before I become unconscious.

This week I will learn that doing it alone as a parent is gonna be the hardest and most emotional thing I will ever do. But it will be worth the most.

This week I have kept my kids pics with me and I have missed them so much. But come Monday I will have them in my arms.

Being a parent is about trying ur best no matter what the situation. They may not have everything they want but they will always have whatever they need. Xxx

Only so much a girl can fucking take

….

Old habits die hard

When u leave one guy and meet the man of ur dreams, how do u stop ur old habits.

Like saying sorry all the time.

Pushing urself to the limit.

Worrying if everything is OK all the time.

I feel these are things that could ruin the relationship.

But how do u stop….

It was 8 years of all this. How do I stop now.

I can see the annoyance when I say sorry for the minimal things. But those minimal things use to be big things in the last relationship.

I am poorly and have had about 5 s eizures yesterday. They are classed as silent ones. So I don’t really shake I just go blank and collapse.

Its cause I’m pushing myself to stay skinny and impress my man.

He is lovely BTW. Never had a bf like him. He is kind, sweet, loves me so much (not sure y).

He doesnt judge me and I can be myself around him. He doesn’t mind my flaws like my pain, memory issues and general dumbness lol.

But I feel I do annoy him with my old habits. Cause I forget not to do them.

I will try harder I want this relationship to go all the way

Another day

Definitely not ready to be alone.

But another day passes since I overdosed. No one who knows even cares.

When did society think its the norm or attention seeking for some one to overdose.

This wasn’t a little one this was 20+ mst tablets which 60mg can kill some one I took over 200mg.

I was found and looked after by my partner did all the right things to make sure I was OK.

But the whole time I just wanted to sleep and not wake up. I planned it for a few days.

But it failed. Now I have the aftermath. The comments, the looks off people at work.

I don’t even get a how are u? Was just told I’m close to loosing my job.

The ex thinks it was for attention.

Do I not show how I feel very well cause I’m broken inside. Barely functioning and really don’t wanna be alone.

I barely see my kids and work all hours for no money left at the end of the month.

I am failing as a mum. And there dad wants them full time.

Do I deserve to have kids. Is this why I had miscarriages cause I wasn’t worth being a mum.

I would have a 20 year old, 18 year old, 13 year old, 11,9 and 8 year old aswell.

But they are not here now.

I do have a 6 year old and 4 year old. But I’m barely there. I have missed so much of there lives. Even though I work hard I barely provide for them. So now sell my body online.

Porn is my only other income. I may smile online and act OK. But I hate it more then anything. Makes me feel horrible.

But there’s bills to pay and uniform to buy.

But for now I have to get thru a night alone to have another day at work.

Not sure how but gotta try

My Dickhead of an Ex and Mind Games

So if you have been reading my blogs you will know I have had a hard time lately.

From making the Ex move out to an attempt on my life.

So let me explain a few things about the EX. He has played mind games from the beginning and done everything from dislocate my shoulder and pop it back in place to cause me to need a CT scan due to major head pain.

Now its all about the mind games.

Issue is he isn’t smart enough for them and the gorgeous man who I am with is so much smarter then him.

So he can come at me from every angle. I have had threats against both me and my partner, emotional abuse. I have even had to give my work his picture as he is threatening to come work.

Now its time I take charge of things. We are not kids we are adults and he needs to realise that. he has left me in a world of debt due to not paying bills even though he controlled my wages. And now has left to go to the other side of the country.

I will come out this stronger and better. It will take a while and take a lot of strength that I’m not sure I have right now. but I will do this.

For the first time I actually felt truly loved.

But once again the ex has upset me and it just drains me. To the point I have to have a sleep. It like my body protecting me by making it all shut off. Is that even possible.

I have so much to look forward to so for now I will listen to my body and take a nap.

……..

Posted after the fact

So tonight is the night everyone

The night I’m truly happy. The night I felt unconditional love.

It’s doesn’t get better then this.

This means that it’s time. All my life I have had hurt and disappointment. Bret loves me for me even though I’m not good enough

I will never be this happy again so let’s end on a high a great high. why wait til I’m depressed when I can do it when I’m so happy.

Don’t cry for me celebrate the love. Moarn me but move on.

And to my family and my ex. I’m finally happy but u can blame ur selves for this.

Bret thank u for all u have done. My one my only love.

So to everyone I love u and good night xx

Why

I am writing this to explain why

I am a burden.

Simply as really.

I have two gorgeous kids that have slowly been turnt against me.

U call me selfish. I say they won’t see me on pain anymore or crying. They won’t see mummy on morphine or in hospital.

They will have there dad’s family.

They won’t see me work myself into a early grave.

Then there’s the rest of my life.

I don’t deserve what my ex is saying to me or doing to me mentally.

No one deserves all this.

No one deserves being abandoned by there family.

I’m alone and I always will be.

I have Bret but I’m not gonna be a burden. My mood swings my depression. The stress I have caused him. It was selfish to fall in love with him and he deserves so much more then me. He is amazing and I need him to realise that.

Now I can do some thing for him a nd he can move on.

Be the amazing man he is, not let me drag him down.

Tonight he made me more happy then I ever have been. I never wanna come down from that.

But I know in a few hours my world will crash down around me. Thru message and mental abuse. I don’t wanna loose what I have now.

I hope u all understand xx

I’m sorry don’t hate me please xx