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oh shit i think im in trouble

so anyone that reads my blog u will know i have trouble with suicide and self harm

Tonight is different

I dont particulary feel depressed but something isnt right, its hard to explain. i think i have something wrong with me schizophrenia maybe, there is something worng.

I have been down all day fighting thoughts but i dont know i took the kids out today had a great day and now have the very very overwhelming thought that i can go now. like my mind is at peice. I had a god day with them. something they can remember. i was fine and its just hit me like a truck. my mind is saying it fine to leave now. i can go. i did my job.

but lately i cant control my thoughts or actions. my arm is cut to ribbons and my mind has been manic but now its calm. my mind and body is saying its ok now its time.

now im scared

im alone

i cant ask anyone to help as did that and lost everyone

crap

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Hard times

Why is it so hard to get support for mental health. doctors wont help they say its circumstantial. I have lost my only anchor. my “friends” that i have explained how close i am and attempted suicide a few months ago are no where to be seen. If anything they have spoken to me less.

struggling so much with no support. i go to AnE they will admit me and i will loose my kids.

No clue what im going to do. I dont want to speak to anyone over the phone i want a text or chat service. I speak to someone over the phone i will loose it and not be ok

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Todays a day I would rather forget

Its a day I cant stop crying

a day I cant stop overthinking

A day I cant concentrate

The one year anniversary of an amazing women

The middle of the second lockdown

It’s the day my head feels fuzzy

I’m stressed

Upset

Tired

Sad

And irritated all at once

It’s a day I know arguments will happen and they will probably be my fault

It’s a day I wont sleep well

But it’s just another day. So will ride it out and see what’s next

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Here we go again

So once again im sitting here in tears alone as always

Today i lost my job. I worked in the Telecoms industry and was furloughed due to having an injection for endo that completely removes my immune system and with covid 19 around WE decided being furloughed til the injection wears off would be a good idea.

Well today turns out they are not happy with that anymore and have ended my contract with immediate effect.

It one thing after another. I try to get help from the doctors to deal with all this and they give me another number and that number is a voicemail that say they are not taking new people on.

I understand suicide

I wont do it but i understand it

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Not going to plan

So this is what happens when i try to change things.

I called the doctors and asked for help. As my normal go to is self harm. They gave me a different number to call which i did only to get a voicemail stating they are not taking on new people.

So thats help out the window. They have given me no other option.

So i decided to try and sort myself out as i have let myself go. Booked a hair appointment for friday. my partner offered to have the kids, but now he is called into work for the rest of the week and i need to cancel it. I havent had my hair cut in over a year.

Now i get work need him but i have been told to stay at home and shield as im on chemo meds. He has been told the same by his work to protect me but he is being called in for at least 2 days a week.

Not that anyone has noticed but im on a downward spiral trying my best and have no help.

Is councilling the right option?

Today i have thought alot about all that has gone on the last year.

I sometimes feel like i am drowning in all that has happened in the last year.

Then sometimes i feel like i have done amazing to get through it all.

Other days i have no idea if im doing good or bad.

So in the last 12 months

MY MUM DIED

2 OF MY FOSTER MUMS DIED

MY FOSTER BROTHER DIED

MY DOG DIED

MY KIDS WERE LOOKED IN A HOUSE BY THERE DAD TWICE

I HAVE COURT TO GET FULL CUSTODY

THE CORONA VIRUS PUT US ON LOCK DOWN

MY PARTNER MESSAGED HIS EX TO TALK ABOUT THE GOOD OLD TIMES

I HAD MY OVARIES OUT

BACK ON CHEMO MEDS.

I think thats it. Maybe everyones life is like this an im taking it all to harsh. My hair is thinning i am back to doing adult work and im pushing everyone away unintentionally. My partner and i have worked through everything and for some unknown reason he is sticking around.

Last weekend i did something stupid and the bad thing is its all a blank. I remember going to my friends house having a small glass of wine. then going to the furnances and having a barcardi and coke and jagershots. then went to her house. we danced and her ex offered me drugs if i got my friend to sleep with him. we got in an arguement as thats not ok.

Thats the last i remember. The next day the police arrested me. I had got in my car and crashed it. well burst the tires. I went to the station the breath tested me at 55. They are not allowed to interview u until u are 35. Alcohol would normally leave ur system at about 10 per hour. I was there 5 hours and it took double the amount of time for the drink to leave my system. The police kept telling me that they would not have charged if i was a normal person and the alcohol level would have gone down as normal.

I now have a court date to worry about. Is there a chance of prison? Would i cope in prison.

How will i cope without a car when i have trouble walking distances. Will my partner stay with me if i become even more reliant on him.

I have decided that im going to speak to a doctor about all this and see if i can get some help. I have never believed in councilling but if i keep it all inside will i just crack.

Whats ur thoughts?

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Nothing to say

Lately i have wanted to write in here so much but i start and then my mind goes blank and i cant find the words to write down. So after starting yet another blog which has ended up in the drafts i have decided just to type whatever comes into my head.

So, been crying a lot lately and been very insecure. My looks, my weight, my relationship, my parenting and my mental health.

At present i have 13 unfinished blogs in my drafts, maybe one day i will post them but for now they are not finished.

Does anyone else hold grudges. I have one i just cant let go of and its starting to get to me. The anger, the upset.

But i have blogged about it before.

I was considering counselling but that would mean speaking about my past which if u have read my other blogs u would know thats not a good idea. So what do i do as i cant seem to let it go.

So here it goes again maybe getting my anger out on here will settle me. So wont go thru its all but basically my partners ex stopped me seeing my mum before she died and then stopped me going to her funeral.

Now i know what u think nothing would stop u in those circumstances, well if u have read my blogs u would know that the day i found out my mum had 2 days to live i was in hospital on ALOT of morphine and was unable to drive the 3 hours to see her myself. She stopped my partner from taking me due to threatening to take his kids from him.

His whole family are on her side and dont even know what she did. Her mum died a few weeks before mine. i sent my partner her ex round with flowers which i brought to give her a hug and made sure he told her he would take the kids as long as she needed. And what did i get, i got phone calls of my partners sisters abusing me and threatening me, and being threatened in the local club.

My partners mum writes posts on facebook about how his ex is such an amazing person and mum. I have been with my partner a year and none of his family want to know me. I thought when i got with him my kids would have more family and instead she wont even visit her real grandkids at our house. I post pics on her sons wall and she wont even like them.

But his ex has them round and gets invited invited to dinners and parties.

I love my partners kids but they have been treated like babies, The youngest turns up with bruises including on his face and cant speak. He is nearly 5. I have taught him to dress himself and put his shoes on. Neither of them knew how to do puzzles i have sat and done them with them. I played a board game with him and its obvious he hasnt played one before.

The oldest is the sweetest boy, but brought him presents for his bday he went to take them home and she stood at the door and refused to let him in with his own pressies. He is 8 imagine how he felt. And now he has learnt how to lie. I tell him no and his natural response is i miss mummy. She has treated them like babies for so long they dont know how to act there age.

But there she is sitting pretty, being praised at every turn she takes. She brought her son cereal for his bday. He got more food for his bday then presents. And yes she has money.

Anyway thats enough from me for the night.

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things i cant say outloud

So this one is to my partner the one i love.

Im writing this down or typing as the case may be, because these things are hard to say and if i type them maybe just maybe i will be able to get through it all.

It helps im on morphine tonight as the box in my head these things are normally locked in is open.

Where to start…

Well you know the abortion i had at 14 plays on my mind. My step dads child (thought he was my real dad at the time). I was 20 weeks. The baby was alive inside me, it had finger nails and hair. My parents had some one pic me up and take me to mary stopes in london. I got a room to myself. I was taken down the cord was cut and i had to wait over night for my baby to die inside me. My child no matter how i got pregnant this was a living person. My baby, my first. the next day i was taken back down to have my baby removed. The whole time i was there i barely spoke and was in shock. I just cried.

But how did i get pregnant……….

my “dad and it wasnt the first time, or just him. All i know is we had a “uncle” stay with us and my mum would go out to bingo.

I remember running, screaming, hitting, i was tiny, It started at 9 years old and a total of 5 men. My “dad”, “Uncle”,people my parents know and my mums brother Derek. It hurt alot. The smell of deisel, the bruises, heaviness.

This might be hard to read and im sorry but u should know why i am like i am.

one night my mum went out, my sisters were at sleep overs, my dad had a friend over. I didnt get out of bed for 2 days after that night. I dont know why but im having flash backs. The wooden table was a little higher then me. i had bruises accross my hips. I bled for days. i was 11.

I was scared and i was alone. so when we watch a program that shows rape or violence and i go quiet. It means something has come back to me out the box. For now i will stop typing, but just know i am trying my best. Im trying to still be normal at 35.

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me again

guess its time to get back to my old self.

the one thats always alone.

the one that is only contacted or spoken to when some one wants something or needs to complain about some one else.

am i not interesting enough?

do i not like the right things?

am i not friend material?

or even gf material.?

we all know im not wife material

im the girl u fuck

im sick of letting my guard down to have it thrown back in my face, u would have thought i would have learnt by now. learnt to stay guarded.

but nope i fall in love, or give to much.

whether its a friend or a partner, sooner or later they run out of things to say and then thats it.

some people can handle feeling alone in a crowded room. i am not one of those people. |I start to think what have i done wrong. maybe im not interesting enough or pretty enough

im not the smartest,

im not the prettiest,

im not interesting,

so what am i………………….

im not left with alot.

im the one thats ill, but doesnt look it

im the one with no family

im the only that the boys wanna fuck

im the one that doesnt matter

the one that will stand by and let people do what they want.

im the one that has no family or friends.

the one with scars on her body.

the one that goes through 13 operations alone cause no one cares enough to come.

the one that has no one turn up to there funeral.

but i plod along still in hope that one day some one will think im special. and i will let my guard down to end up being alone again and again.

things are not great but no one notices. im told i over think thing and maybe i do. but surely there must be things in the first place for me to over think them.

im sure its me it always is. something cant be wrong with everyone else. im the common in it all. ME. the one that has no friends and feels no love.

so i sit in bed or on the sofa alone doing a cross stitch for no one to see. i plod through every day just like the last. getting angry and upset for no one to even notice.

so until i write again thanks for reading

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BPD and the lockdown

So just wondering who out there s dealing with a metal health disorder while on lockdown.

Obviously there is loads but what about a personality disorder. Not to mention going through the menapause at the age of 35.

Im starting to go a little crazy tbh. im stressy, hyper, depressed and sleepy all in the same day. Its like an emotional merry go round. Having 2 kids one 5 and one 7 locked in a house is crazy. We have done painting, stained glass, planets, games, i have spent a fortune.

Last night i had 3 nightmares all included loosing a child. So even though i was upset i got up and tried my best today. took the dog and kids out, cleaned, been dancing round the house, trying.

Lets see how long i can keep up with this positive attitude and fitness. Lets hope i sleep tonight.