Whats done is done

I have been bruised, beaten, used, manipulated, stripped of my dignity, self respect, loosing my house, kids, my heart has been broken again and again.

I feel defeated like life isnt worth anything.

I dont think i have ever had some one love me. I dont remember hugs from my parents, Love from my sisters. I have always been the problem from the time i was born.

The blonde haired blued baby, the misfit in a family of ginger and brown haired, brown eyed people.

Never got included or felt love.

Been beaten by every man i have loved. One even said it was my type. But have always been told i made them that way and caused them to hit me.

You were different though. I thought i had been in love before but when i met u i realised the loved i felt before wasnt real love. Cause what i feel for u is so strong to the point i forgave you over and over i held u when u cried. I gave you my life and everything i had. I did whatever you wanted me to do. I became an escort cause you asked me to telling me you would always be there for the nightmares.

But i wasnt enough for you. I wasnt enough for you to stay with. I wasnt enough to stop u hurting me and bruising me.

I wish i knew what i was to you. Apart from knowing i wasnt enough.

You cheated our whole relationship i forgave you because i would have put up with anything u threw at me. But u are ashamed of me. I dont blame u im ashamed of myself, i hate me too.

My world came to an end today. My kids need a better life than with me. Due to last night i can barely move again and begged for you to come and help me to the toilet, basic human right. But u said no. You were ment to be here tonight snuggled up.

But it all came to a head when i found out, the thing that hurt me the most. U told me you were in a serious car accident but i couldnt come to see u at the hospital as im ur secret. I cried, i was so worried about, scared you were seriously hurt. This carried on for months. I had panic attacks that day as went hours with no response from you. I thought u were seriously hurt. I found out u made the whole thing up. The nightmares and sleepless nights were for nothing.

Then last night i came to drop ur stuff off. I begged u to come talk to me u wouldnt. When i got there u didnt hesitate to throw me to the floor over and over again. bruising me and causing me unable to walk.

But thats my life. Thats what im bringing to my kids. They deserve so much better than me and life deserves to carry on without me. I am beyond damaged now and need someone to hold me and tell me they will help me thru this. But i have no one. Even after begging u and u finding me hanging from the bed frame unconscious you refused to help me.

so here i am again. worthless, in agony and emotionally destroyed

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oh shit i think im in trouble

so anyone that reads my blog u will know i have trouble with suicide and self harm

Tonight is different

I dont particulary feel depressed but something isnt right, its hard to explain. i think i have something wrong with me schizophrenia maybe, there is something worng.

I have been down all day fighting thoughts but i dont know i took the kids out today had a great day and now have the very very overwhelming thought that i can go now. like my mind is at peice. I had a god day with them. something they can remember. i was fine and its just hit me like a truck. my mind is saying it fine to leave now. i can go. i did my job.

but lately i cant control my thoughts or actions. my arm is cut to ribbons and my mind has been manic but now its calm. my mind and body is saying its ok now its time.

now im scared

im alone

i cant ask anyone to help as did that and lost everyone

crap

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maybe if i open up the nightmares will stop

So this will be a long one and will go back and forth may be hard to read.

TRIGGER WARNING FOR SEXUAL ASSAULT, VIOLENCE AND CHILD NEGLECT

So let me take u back to when i was child, I loved my childhood may not have been traditional but i loved it. I had friends, i had a loving mother and father, lived in a cul de sack. I loved that house and always wanted to buy it when i grew up and still would to this day. My sisters and i each had a tree in the garden mine was a apple tree hanging over the pond. It was a corner house so had a massive garden. Still remember sneaking over the back fence to go see my childhood friend. Sure things were a little different. My parents would take my sisters on holiday i would be sent to my cousins. They would go shopping and i remember from a very young sitting at my bedroom window watching them drive off crying my eyes out. But for the most of it i loved life.

My sisters shared a room and always hung out together but i didnt care cause that ment i got my own room to make my own and have space. We were in St Johns Ambulance Club and i remember being in tears cause my sisters had told everyone i was adopted. I didnt look like them with my blonde hair, blue eyes and skinny figure. My sister were dark brown hair and ginger with more of a stocky figure.

I went to several schools when i was young the first one i left as my older sister was being bullied and my mum wanted us to be in the same school so when she moved school i did. Then the next move was from primary to middle school. Then once again my sisters were being bullied and i was moved school to be with them again. i didnt mind I made friends easily back then. Always had people around me.

But life change one night… I was 9

Ok im going to have to do this in parts my heart is racing, starting to go into a panic attack. Never told anyone everything before and last time i wrote it down in a diary my ex read it and constantly accused me of loving being raped by my dad. Calling me daddies girl everytime we argued. So when im strong i will continue. But for now i will calm myself as if u have read previous posts u know i tend to do rash things xxxx

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Hard times

Why is it so hard to get support for mental health. doctors wont help they say its circumstantial. I have lost my only anchor. my “friends” that i have explained how close i am and attempted suicide a few months ago are no where to be seen. If anything they have spoken to me less.

struggling so much with no support. i go to AnE they will admit me and i will loose my kids.

No clue what im going to do. I dont want to speak to anyone over the phone i want a text or chat service. I speak to someone over the phone i will loose it and not be ok