Although i know that my partner will leave me soon he is the reason im here, most days he doesnt want me. starting to think he only wants me when we go out and drink.

Cant blame him. my mental health. i do porn. most days i can barely walk on so much morphine most people would be in a permanent state of sleep and my kids are playing up so bad. His kids hate me enough to lie in court about me that my partner hasnt seen them in over a year.

all i want is to feel loved. hugs and kisses isnt much to ask for is but everyone gets bored of me. no family, no friends and i have pushed my partner away. pretty sure he is just here cause of the dogs.

i dont remember the last day i had no pain. even the little pain im in is what use to b my extreme pain. my extreme pain now is pain i never thought i could bare. everyone is so use to me being in pain now it means nothing, but its not nothing it hurts

Today i watched a film about a fantasy island where u can change something in ur past. This started a discussion. wou;d i change being ill, would i change my childhood, my past relationships. the answer is no

i would have never had my womb out. All the miscarraiges and pain would be worth having my kids.

That probably sounds selfish.

Its been 4 years and i still cant walk down the baby isle or see my friends babies when they are first born

I avoid my neighbour when she is outside and has her youngest there.

Will i ever get over it

I cant find a number or a chatline to speak to so im going back to writing on here. Christma sis tough not being able to go out and clear my head beacuse if i go out in the cold i will be way to ill after.

The doctors have given me sleeping meds to help as i get about 3 hours sleep a night. So many things go round in my head. Im still trying to earn online and make some money for the kids as its just me, my partner and them.

the court case fucked up. Went from the judge telling that my ex and his family can only see them under supervision, And the ex would have to do a domestic violence course. To them all getting full access with nothing.

Im scared and angry. All i can do is take it back to court. Cafcass and the courts think the clerk who wrote it madea mistake but doesnt matter i have to take it to court to change it.

My doctors have told me i cant be there anymore as out the area and my doctors dont beleive in endometriosis so have given me anti depressants and sleeping pills instead.

I have been waiting nearly a year for councilling but not got that yet either. Lfe is getting harder and i am becoming a burden to all those around.

People on my TikTok are saying how positive i always am lol they dont know the real me

Tonight was the first time in a long time that i self harmed.

I cant cope the pain is so bad the hospital are saying its in my head and im on morphine daily now.

i can keep arrangements with what friends i have. the friends i have have no clue how bad it is cause even when i explain they really dont care.

i sleep most of the time due to the morphine my sight is blurring all the time once again due to morphine.

im passing out on a daily basis.

still working online selling pics and vids as it impossible for me to work a normal job.

i have just had enough.

i shit blood today, i felt like i was having another baby. the pain nearly made me pass out.

so i had enough i took a razor and cut myslef.

Yesterday was a hard day. I woke barely able to move and ended up not making my dentist appointment and heading to AnE.

After waiting in AnE a young doctor saw me and did alot of stretches and pushing into my hip that hurt. He then told me after looking at my notes that the pain i was in was due to depression, not real pain. I was also told that due to having chronic pain even a pin prick will feel like i have been stabbed.

I have Fibromyalgia. I was angry because he dismissed my pain and i have passed out about 12 times now due to the pain and cant go to the hospital at all. suffering at home on morphine is horrible

Today is hard very hard

Its one year since my mum died. One year ago i didnt/couldnt get to say goodbye. One year when i felt alone. One year when i had the last oppertunity to see her.

Its true when someone dies u think about all the good memories. We didnt have many but i barely remember the bad.

There is no grave or hole in the wall to lay flowers at. I have no money to do it myself. I wanted to plant a rose bush for her with a plack but its expensive.

My partners kids are here and its a reminder of the reason i couldnt see my mum. It wasnt them it was there mum and my partner. But they are a reminder.

This week is hard but each year will get easier. And with my memory issues each year i will forget a little more.

So day by day i will forget about my mum with nothing to remind me of her nothing to refresh those memories i will loose.

Well what a shitty fucking day

So i have been alone alot lately and decided to see who actual friends are. So i hide my birthday on Facebook so no one would get a notification it was my birthday.

Well guess what not one person remember, no family, no friends. i went out yesterday and brought my own cards from my partner and kids. Knowing full well they didnt remember either.

How little must i mean to people for them to forget my birthday. some people but not everyone.

I have been with my partner a year in that time i have remember his and his kids bdays and spoilt them. He forgot our anniversary and also my bday.

How do u forget ur partners birthday after a year. One YEAR

Now instead of a nice day he and the kids have been bickering allllllll day long. Kids have been acting up to the extreme and he hasnt helped.

Just another year closer to death with no one to morn me when i go

When getting with some one u always take a risk.

I took the risk to dive into  relationship and finally kick the kids dad out because i feel more in love with some one then i ever have before.

u know the love where u cant stop thinking about them day and night. u check ur phone every 5 mins when they are not with u.

I fell in love to fast and gave everything and now im paying the price

…………………………………………………….

I still love him more then anything but dont receive it back.

but fuck it it doesnt matter

things dont matter

days dont matter they always consist of the same thing. the kids having tantrums and me ending up in pain and no one giving a shit.

my shoulder has been hurting alot and its got to the stage folding clothes is painful but fuck it it doesnt matter. i cant even use that arm to wipe my foofoo after the toilet.

i just won custody of my kids but had no one to celebrate it with. no one even suggested too. my bday is coming up but no one will care.

so its another night on the sofa. just not happy.

sooooooooooooo alone

and no one who cares. no one that wants to listen. everyone is so self centre.#

no one asked me how i feel about winning the court case, or my health, my mental health or the fact its the anniversary of my mums death next month.

I grew up knowing i wasnt loved by my family. it was made obvious. now im getting older and nothing has changed. I dont have anyone who is truly there for me. so one who would drop everything.

my partner use to be that person but not anymore. its just me again now

Its times like these I think about my mum.

Its 2am amd I cant sleep.

It’s the one year anniversary of her death next month. I have no grave to go to and still havent said goodbye.

People say life gets easier. And the pain eases. But how can it ease if I never said bye. Never gave her a last hug.

Been crying alot today. Posting pics of my kids as babies. I would do anything for just one more child.

My daughter is Ill with a liver issue and bone issues and her glue ear is back and causing her speech to go down hill.

It’s all getting on top of me. We have applied for a house but they dont like my credit even though I have improved it since Christmas.

It’s got a front garden and I want to do a flower patch for Barbara, kathy,mum, and John. Put plakes down. But we might not get the house.

Maybe one day I will stop crying maybe

Why dont people understand me.

So i dont speak to my family and im not exaggerating when i say if i died they would not care. My nan died and i found that out on facebook.

I dont have any friends i just have people i know. I dont understand how people have the energy to meet people when u have 2 kids at home. Im not being lazy there just isnt enough time in the day and if i dont message people first they dont message me.

I have reached out to my family and had no one reach back.

I try to speak to people about it all and how lonely it is. imagine not having anyone to tell ur stories to, or ur thoughts.

I have my partner but what about when i want a girlie conversation or just need family to speak to.

My partners family dont want to know me or my kids and we have been together over a year now. do u know how sad it is when its my kids bday and its just us and friends from school. no nanny or grandad, no cousins nothing.

People dont get how horrible it is. They say they do and they say it wouldnt bother them but that because they have there family and friends so they cant understand. so yeah it doesnt bother them right now but if they were in my situation it would.

I have my first councilling session tomorrow lets see how this goes.

1 in 10 women have this disease but alot of doctors dont know about it or think they know and are wrong.

Im not an expert but i know a few things.

I have had 13 operations which have included –

Removing my ovaries

Removing my womb

My appendix was covered in endo and had to be removed

Had endo removed

Bladder and Bowel reconstruction

So i know a little. So when i phoned up for the prostap injection and my doctor said we need permission from the hospital i thought that was fine.

Just to have the local gynae say if u have had ur ovaries removed u dont have the injection.

WELL THATS NOT TRUE….

Endometriosis produces eastrogen just like the ovaries. This is what makes the endo grow and spread. THEREFORE even if the ovaries are removed endo continues to grow and spread. This is why the prostap injection is still given because it stops the endo and shrinks it.

The only way to stop endometriosis is but removing all of it.

…………………………

I am so sick of doctors not having a clue and me having to go back to square one again.

My partner is back at work, my kids are back at school and i sat in my car for an hour this morning just cause i didnt want to go into the house knowing i would be alone.

I dont do well alone at all. I cry, i get into my own head, i cant distract myself.

Yes Tarley was a dog but on multiple time she protected me against the ex. When i was pregnant with my son he went for me Tarley bite him and would not get off my lap. I use to protect her to when he use to go for her with a knife. The kids have been given the usual story that Tarley has gone to the farm.

I know she is gone but i walk down stairs expecting her to be there. Think i need ot be quiet in case i wake her. I went down stairs this morning without even thinking and open the back door for her and went back to bed.

I know it was her time to go and she was so weak she went very quickly but doesnt make it any easier.

I asked my partner for a date things would get better

but he didnt understand

i dont want a date he is certain but just something to work towards a end date. not a realistic one but just someday

Sounds silly to some but i need something, someday, anything in my life

YEP ITS JUST ME

There is a certain women that i hate.

NAME: Kelly

Reason: she happens to be my partners ex. Now normally this would not be a reason for me to hate her. But heres the story.

In september i was taken to hospital in severe pain (endometriosis playing up again). I was dosed up on more morphine then i usually take. Plus was waiting to be admitted and to be given a low dose of chemo. My partner needed to sort something out so left for about 45mins. Within in this time i received a phone call saying my mum had 2 days to live. Obvious reasons i was hysterical. I told the doctors to let me discharge myself as soon as my partner got back. They gave me the injection and let me leave with him. The plan was to go and see my mum who was about 3 hours away.

Heres where i started to hate her. My partner contacted her and asked if he could miss having the kids that night and she said no. So i didnt go and arranged that his youngest would come the next day and go with my partner to a play area while i was saying my goodbyes to my mum and his eldest would go to school and after school club. We arranged it all. Kelly found out and part of the way to my mums she cancelled his eldest afterschool club. Leaving us no choice but to turn round and come back. My mum died the next day. I never said goodbye and for all the hassle she then contacted my partners family who proceed to call me and kick off at me while i was out.

I never got to see my mum as i was on way to many meds to drive myself and my partner had any child care he pre arranged taken off him.

Thats not it..

Then came my mums funeral. Now if u have read my other entries you will know i have been sexually assulted as i child by family members. one is my mums brother. He was attending the funeral. Now it took me years to come to terms with it all and its something u never get over. I couldnt go alone so wanted my partner there. It was all arranged and once again all plans got cancelled. I never said goodbye and the hospital and also not at her funeral. There is no grave to visit and no way to get closure.

But what most dont know is that when her mum died i sent my partner (her ex) round with flowers. I told him to make sure we had the kids not only for the few days following but also for the funeral.

But none of that matters. She went to her mums funeral. She has told lies and my partners mum doesnt have any interest in even knowing. His sisters hate me.

All i want is for anyone to recognise her for what she is.

Every weekend her kids come mine. Lovely boys and its like they are my own. But people say she is an amazing mum but if thats the case why  is her nearly 5 year old treated like a baby. I have had to teach him to put his shoes on and to get dressed. Why does he come with new bruises every weekend. That im the only one who is questioning it. Apparently he is clumsy, funny how he has only ever hurt himself once here. The fact that neither child is able to share and cries over the smallest thing.

Im not the greatest mum out there i know that. but my 5 year old can read and write and gets her own clothes out. My 7 year old will offer to play games with my partners eldest. Granted not all the time.

Her nickname is princess. Its annoying that no one will stand up to her, not even my partner. He will put it off and put it off. He says fuck them and what they thing but still pass pleasantries with his family. He could have told her to go fuck herself and made sure i saw my mum. But nope no one bothers. And im not  allowed to mention anything. so i sit getting angrier and angrier. Bottling it up.

But its not the  first time she has caused issues. I had 2 of my step mums die last year aswell and also a court case for my kids and guess what i did the court case alone aswell.

The day of barbaras funeral i was unable to go as the court ordered my ex to give the kids back as he locked them in a house. But i was alone as always.

People like Kelly will always use the sympathy vote and play the victim. I unfortunately will never have anyone willing to go against the grain and fight my corner

Lately things have been hard once again due to the ex. Gareth.

Apparently i should be grateful for having kids with him as before we met i had 3 miscarraiges and with him i was able to have kids. So im ment to do what ever he says and thank him for the rest of my life.

Now what he hasnt said is that he caused 3 miscarraiges before i had my son and daughter, he hasnt mentioned that when my waters broke 7 weeks early he was playing online with his mates and his friends had to tell him to get off line to help me. He also hasnt said that he spent all our money on Fifa packs and gambling so i had to walk over a mile to the hospital and back again while still leaking. leaving me with sores. The fact i was in labour for 52 hours and the whole time he was telling me to shut up as he had a headache and he wouldnt even get riley dressed when he was first born. Now we go onto demi he didnt even turn upto that birth i went in on a scheduled induce. He didnt turn up which turnt into an emergency C section where he daughter actually was born not breathing. I was unconscious due to being put to sleep so demi took 3 mins to breathe aided and 5 to breathe on her own. He wasnt there so demi was without a parent for 2 1/2 hours. being held by strangers. Or the fact that when they said i could finally come home he said he didnt want me home and the hospital agreed to keep us a few extra days.

Not letting me potty train riley until he was 4 as didnt want the mess. Not letting me phone ambulances for the kids until it was nearly too late when they had breathing difficulties. When the doctor at the hospital says it was nearly to late its not me over reacting.

But im ment to be thankful to him for not hugging me when we found out we were pregnant. For hitting me during the pregnancies, for isolating me so i had no one.

But it shouldnt bother me as much as it should that he has lied to everyone and made out its all me when police reports say otherwise. Now he has locked my kids in his nans house twice leaving me no choice but to go to court to get an emergency custody order. But its to late the kids are scarred and ask why it all happened. Im left picking up the peices and he is there playing the victim. The courts found 19 reports of domestic violence against me but he has so many people wrapped around his little finger. Now the kids may never see there dad again. Yes i get what everyone thinks maybe its a good idea. But i grew up with no family at all. I went to foster families and left home alone, i had no one to speak to. And it damaged me.

I want them to have supervised visits not alone time with him just something.

So it’s 6.52am in the morning and I haven’t slept yet. No endometriosis was removed during my last surgery. So the pain is here to stay.

The ripping the stretching the tearing.

The tears the blood and being sick.

When u just want someone to notice that ur struggling…. But no one ever does.

Story of my life. Always feel alone.

I think I’m the problem, do I hide it to well, do I not express my self in the right way. Have I been alone for so long that people think I don’t need help.

If u haven’t seen me in 20 mins come find me, if I’m angry come hug me, if I’m crying show me u love me.

I’m not sure I was made for love. Was putting photos in a family frame and realised it’s just the kids and I. I have a fried photo frame that’s empty. I try to be a friendly nice person. I care way to much about people but no one cares for me. No one loves me enough to come find me at 12.30 in the morning when I’m sat on the sofa crying. No one ever loves me the way I love them. It’s just not ment to be. No one cares enough that if I dreamt about loosing babies to stay up with me the next night when I’m to afraid to go to sleep incase I dream it all over again.

I know it’s all my fault. I push people away. I’m not enough and never will be.

Wasn’t enough for my parents or the rest of my family. Wasn’t enough for friends. Just never enough

Tonight will be a long night. I’m so tired but can’t sleep. Last night I barely got sleep as had 3 nightmares. The first I had a miscarriage. Now in reality I have had 6 miscarriages all resulted in me having breakdowns and last night I relived it. Some were earlier the others. I don’t wanna say the worst one but I don’t know how else to discribe it. But that was the one I dreamt about. I was 6 months and 4 days. I started bleeding and the took me to the labor ward to give birth. There was babies crying, women in labor so much noise. I gave birth to a little boy that they took away that I didn’t get to hold, that I didn’t get to see. I was 16 at the time.

The second was a dream dream as hasn’t actually happened in real life. the second was a toddler a baby girl the some how drown on a sinking wreckage. No idea what made me dream that.

The third my little girl got off the bus a stop before and I didn’t notice l. I was running up and down the streets I couldn’t find her anywhere.

Now I can’t sleep. Wide awake. Maybe because I can’t take another dream. What is wrong with me. Why am I having such bad dreams. I have never really got on with my mum and she died last September but never missed her that much until now.

It’s gonna be a long long night

So this week has been a weird week.

Firstly a guy from wor brought in his new born and i had to leave the room and cry, its hard knowing there is no chance i can have another kid. With my ovaries out im having full side effects. such as hot flushes and night sweats. The issue is i have now been told im not allowed on any HRT as u cant take it with a heart condition.

Its not just that its that they promised me no more pain or issues. My bladder is weaker, i have dropped to the floor several times already in alot of pain and seems to be taking lyrica everyday atm. Im disappointed thought i was gonna be a normal person again.

My daughter was off ill the other day, cant get her in the doctors due to her having a cough and 111 told us to keep her off school. Her temperature returned to normal and she returned the next day. I went in today to work and coughed. was told to leave and wait in the breakroom for a laptop to take home so i can work from home. A women walked in saw that i had a cough and refused to come in the break room until i had left. Obviously this upset me so went to my car. To be called back into work and my boss get told off as she isnt allowed to send me home. There has been comments all day about staying away from me.

I get everyone is scared and i understand but im the one that might die if my work gets it as i have underlying health issues. They sent a lady home today who has MS as they are worried about her catching it. But what about the rest of us that are ill. I get she is in a wheel chair and i do feel for her but there is a pregnant lady at work im not well and a month ago came off chemo so have no immune system but we still have to come in.

Schools and works should be on lockdown. Both my kids are ill and its constant worry. Single mum life is hard. K was concerned until boris on TV said we will all loose love ones. I only have my babies.

I think this is a man made illness and i think its got out of hand.

The last few days I have felt worse then I normally do. Everything hurts and aches. I’m so tired like I haven’t slept in a few days.

My arms and legs feel funny while my heart feels like it’s pounding. A cold cough and sore throat, just wanna feel stronger like I was ment to after my operation. But I don’t feel better at all. My stomach still swells, my legs still cramp, my back still aches and the sharp pains still keep me. Up

Well tonight the pain is unreal. I feel dizzy and sick from the pain. I dont know if its the endo they didnt remove or from the operation. I am looking forward to work tomorrow but will not be sleeping until this eases and have no pain meds with me.

My hip feel like they are being pulled apart and every wave of pain is making feel like i will pass out

On our way home after the op now and I’m upset. But don’t really know how to explain.

It valentines day and had my operation today to have my ovaries out.

They said I could go home tonight even though I was ment to stay in.

For the first time in a long time I kinda felt unloved the feelings I had when I was due to come out of hospital when I was with Gareth.

There was no excitement to have me come home. I was excited to tell u but had nothing back. Just the sound of frustration in ur voice. Like it’s effort. And I understand u have the kids so some effort is required. Then u get there and I’m all smiles until there’s no hug no hand holding. Nothing.

Am I to much of an effort.

I feel hurt and tbh a little unloved.

When will I get some one running up to me to hug me or even that big hug saying I know today was hard but I got u.

So tomorrow is my operation to remove my ovaries. Its not the operation in itself i am not looking forward to but what i am having done. From tomorrow i will be on medication for the rest of my life.

I will have to come to the realisation that there will be no option left for me to ever have more of my own kids. Thats the reason i have decided to agree to go into work monday to take my mind off it all.

Loving the new job though and looking forward to getting on the phones and doing well and finally getting my debts paid off without having to sell pics and videos of myself online.

So tomorrow i get up have a bath get my hospital bag ready and be there for 11.30, all ready to sign in and have more tests. Will be a overnight stay as well.

Now all i need is the dickhead of an ex to pay me the maintenence he owes me.

Also he has instructed me to prove i am ill and to also prove i am having an op tomorrow

That’s it