This is a note to say why.
I have been through more than most people have and have come through each time more damaged and broken, but i held on.
I fought through nightmares and depression. I fought as hard as i could and for as long as i could.
But now i have no more fight, i dont have anything left in me.
The one i truely love betrayed me in more ways than i can count. I have asked you why and you say you dont know. That doesnt help me. That makes it worse, that makes my mind run a million miles an hour. That makes me blame myself, cause why else.
When we met you made me feel special and safe that my nightmares almost instantly stopped. I could be myself and you loved that. But then i found out you were cheating on me and this carried on for the full four years.
But i still loved you still as there for you when you cried.
Being parents and working was hard so i gave up my job so you could get your career. Then i noticed messages from a girl at your work and this went on for about a year that i know of. A girl i had met. A girl that you said your just friends, this was lie and you were cheating again.
I dropped you off everyday to your work and picked you up never knowing i was dropping you off into another girls arms.
Then you broke up with me but we still lived as a couple. You then got back with me not just back with me you got engaged to me again. Then you broke up with me two days later. This was around June time. We discussed everything i held you and told you no matter what i have got you. I always will.
We discussed money and realised how fucked we were. You asked me to go on the orgy beds and i couldnt do that. You asked me to escort and told me no matter what you would be here when the nightmares start up. I was so mentally not there and agreed to do it for us. You promised to be there until christmas when we would have enough money for u to move out and me to survive.
But u didnt 2 days before my birthday i came home to all your stuff gone. Telling your friends i was a hooker but didnt tell them why. Or who pushed me into it.
We have been sleeping together ever since at least twice a week, i felt ashamed to accept i was the other women, the second choice. But i love you and u promised we would try an open relationship.
I walked out in october and slit my wrist and instead of calling someone you proceeded on wiping my phone incase people found out, Thats how ashamed you are of me.
Then came the morning i had a mini heart attack i begged you to stay as i was scared i would die, you walked out and even though i begged for help you didnt call anyone or come back.
One day i had a seizure so bad i couldnt talk or type for at least 30 mins but while i was unconscious once again you walked out. I woke up scared and alone.
Things escalated and the violence started, and yes i had my hand in that. You put my head into a brick wall. And then the other night you repeatedly threw me to ground. I didnt touch you, i didnt do anything. You left me unable to walk.
Everything i had you took from me. I am unable to be a mum due to pain from the violence and the depression that has been caused.
One day you even found me unconscious hanging. i needed help but u didnt help me. You woke me up but didnt get me help.
You made me feel guilty about being scared when you said you had a major car crash. u made out i was an issue for worrying. It was all lies there wasnt a crash at all.
What did i do to you to deserve this what did i do?????
