So this one is to my partner the one i love.
Im writing this down or typing as the case may be, because these things are hard to say and if i type them maybe just maybe i will be able to get through it all.
It helps im on morphine tonight as the box in my head these things are normally locked in is open.
Where to start…
Well you know the abortion i had at 14 plays on my mind. My step dads child (thought he was my real dad at the time). I was 20 weeks. The baby was alive inside me, it had finger nails and hair. My parents had some one pic me up and take me to mary stopes in london. I got a room to myself. I was taken down the cord was cut and i had to wait over night for my baby to die inside me. My child no matter how i got pregnant this was a living person. My baby, my first. the next day i was taken back down to have my baby removed. The whole time i was there i barely spoke and was in shock. I just cried.
But how did i get pregnant……….
my “dad and it wasnt the first time, or just him. All i know is we had a “uncle” stay with us and my mum would go out to bingo.
I remember running, screaming, hitting, i was tiny, It started at 9 years old and a total of 5 men. My “dad”, “Uncle”,people my parents know and my mums brother Derek. It hurt alot. The smell of deisel, the bruises, heaviness.
This might be hard to read and im sorry but u should know why i am like i am.
one night my mum went out, my sisters were at sleep overs, my dad had a friend over. I didnt get out of bed for 2 days after that night. I dont know why but im having flash backs. The wooden table was a little higher then me. i had bruises accross my hips. I bled for days. i was 11.
I was scared and i was alone. so when we watch a program that shows rape or violence and i go quiet. It means something has come back to me out the box. For now i will stop typing, but just know i am trying my best. Im trying to still be normal at 35.
