Whats done is done

I have been bruised, beaten, used, manipulated, stripped of my dignity, self respect, loosing my house, kids, my heart has been broken again and again.

I feel defeated like life isnt worth anything.

I dont think i have ever had some one love me. I dont remember hugs from my parents, Love from my sisters. I have always been the problem from the time i was born.

The blonde haired blued baby, the misfit in a family of ginger and brown haired, brown eyed people.

Never got included or felt love.

Been beaten by every man i have loved. One even said it was my type. But have always been told i made them that way and caused them to hit me.

You were different though. I thought i had been in love before but when i met u i realised the loved i felt before wasnt real love. Cause what i feel for u is so strong to the point i forgave you over and over i held u when u cried. I gave you my life and everything i had. I did whatever you wanted me to do. I became an escort cause you asked me to telling me you would always be there for the nightmares.

But i wasnt enough for you. I wasnt enough for you to stay with. I wasnt enough to stop u hurting me and bruising me.

I wish i knew what i was to you. Apart from knowing i wasnt enough.

You cheated our whole relationship i forgave you because i would have put up with anything u threw at me. But u are ashamed of me. I dont blame u im ashamed of myself, i hate me too.

My world came to an end today. My kids need a better life than with me. Due to last night i can barely move again and begged for you to come and help me to the toilet, basic human right. But u said no. You were ment to be here tonight snuggled up.

But it all came to a head when i found out, the thing that hurt me the most. U told me you were in a serious car accident but i couldnt come to see u at the hospital as im ur secret. I cried, i was so worried about, scared you were seriously hurt. This carried on for months. I had panic attacks that day as went hours with no response from you. I thought u were seriously hurt. I found out u made the whole thing up. The nightmares and sleepless nights were for nothing.

Then last night i came to drop ur stuff off. I begged u to come talk to me u wouldnt. When i got there u didnt hesitate to throw me to the floor over and over again. bruising me and causing me unable to walk.

But thats my life. Thats what im bringing to my kids. They deserve so much better than me and life deserves to carry on without me. I am beyond damaged now and need someone to hold me and tell me they will help me thru this. But i have no one. Even after begging u and u finding me hanging from the bed frame unconscious you refused to help me.

so here i am again. worthless, in agony and emotionally destroyed

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oh shit i think im in trouble

so anyone that reads my blog u will know i have trouble with suicide and self harm

Tonight is different

I dont particulary feel depressed but something isnt right, its hard to explain. i think i have something wrong with me schizophrenia maybe, there is something worng.

I have been down all day fighting thoughts but i dont know i took the kids out today had a great day and now have the very very overwhelming thought that i can go now. like my mind is at peice. I had a god day with them. something they can remember. i was fine and its just hit me like a truck. my mind is saying it fine to leave now. i can go. i did my job.

but lately i cant control my thoughts or actions. my arm is cut to ribbons and my mind has been manic but now its calm. my mind and body is saying its ok now its time.

now im scared

im alone

i cant ask anyone to help as did that and lost everyone

crap

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maybe if i open up the nightmares will stop

So this will be a long one and will go back and forth may be hard to read.

TRIGGER WARNING FOR SEXUAL ASSAULT, VIOLENCE AND CHILD NEGLECT

So let me take u back to when i was child, I loved my childhood may not have been traditional but i loved it. I had friends, i had a loving mother and father, lived in a cul de sack. I loved that house and always wanted to buy it when i grew up and still would to this day. My sisters and i each had a tree in the garden mine was a apple tree hanging over the pond. It was a corner house so had a massive garden. Still remember sneaking over the back fence to go see my childhood friend. Sure things were a little different. My parents would take my sisters on holiday i would be sent to my cousins. They would go shopping and i remember from a very young sitting at my bedroom window watching them drive off crying my eyes out. But for the most of it i loved life.

My sisters shared a room and always hung out together but i didnt care cause that ment i got my own room to make my own and have space. We were in St Johns Ambulance Club and i remember being in tears cause my sisters had told everyone i was adopted. I didnt look like them with my blonde hair, blue eyes and skinny figure. My sister were dark brown hair and ginger with more of a stocky figure.

I went to several schools when i was young the first one i left as my older sister was being bullied and my mum wanted us to be in the same school so when she moved school i did. Then the next move was from primary to middle school. Then once again my sisters were being bullied and i was moved school to be with them again. i didnt mind I made friends easily back then. Always had people around me.

But life change one night… I was 9

Ok im going to have to do this in parts my heart is racing, starting to go into a panic attack. Never told anyone everything before and last time i wrote it down in a diary my ex read it and constantly accused me of loving being raped by my dad. Calling me daddies girl everytime we argued. So when im strong i will continue. But for now i will calm myself as if u have read previous posts u know i tend to do rash things xxxx

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Hard times

Why is it so hard to get support for mental health. doctors wont help they say its circumstantial. I have lost my only anchor. my “friends” that i have explained how close i am and attempted suicide a few months ago are no where to be seen. If anything they have spoken to me less.

struggling so much with no support. i go to AnE they will admit me and i will loose my kids.

No clue what im going to do. I dont want to speak to anyone over the phone i want a text or chat service. I speak to someone over the phone i will loose it and not be ok

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Todays a day I would rather forget

Its a day I cant stop crying

a day I cant stop overthinking

A day I cant concentrate

The one year anniversary of an amazing women

The middle of the second lockdown

It’s the day my head feels fuzzy

I’m stressed

Upset

Tired

Sad

And irritated all at once

It’s a day I know arguments will happen and they will probably be my fault

It’s a day I wont sleep well

But it’s just another day. So will ride it out and see what’s next

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A day in the life of me

So the court case over my kids is done today.

Its was at 2.45 and was ment to last over an hour. It was over the phone due to covid-19. Just me and the judge from what i could tell. Its was over before i could really understand what happened and lasted the short time of 15 mins.

Nothing was really explained although i did get that i have a full residency order and there dad has no rights to remove them from my care and if he wants to see them he has to do the DAPP course, its a domestic violence one. There grandparents need supervised visits.

Thats sad as there dad wont do the course he didnt even attend court for the case and it was over the phone.

Secondly my 5 year old has come up in red blotches on her skin that are getting bigger. Took her to the doctors who called in 2 other doctors who all think its from a Tic bite resulting in Lymes Disease. They wanted her in the hospital on antibiotics as if not treated it can leave issues for later on in life.

They called the kids section in the hospital and the doctor said dont worry about she doesnt have a temp so dont bring her in. So 3 doctors over 1 said she needs to be in hospital but no we are at home. She has every other symptom but not the temp.

Good news is we got a new house today. Looking forward to move in and starting my cake business again.

Partner wise not sure whats going on he says he is happy but he clearly isnt. He just isnt interested anymore. And im not blameless i have been on edge and really snappy lately but cant even talk to each other. It doesnt feel like a relationship. Feels very one sided. I think of him every second of the day and maybe thats the issue cause i get annoyed when he doesnt think of me too.

He is my world but im just his other half. Doesnt help his kids dont like me. His family have more or less disowned him for being with me.

Feels like this is the beginning of the end and he refuses to admit it. He isnt happy everyone can see that. I cant be strung along until someone better comes along. Too loose him would break my heart but the sad fact is i think i already have.

But he wont admit anything is wrong, he gets defensive when i bring it up, but once again i will wait to get hurt.

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Here we go again

So once again im sitting here in tears alone as always

Today i lost my job. I worked in the Telecoms industry and was furloughed due to having an injection for endo that completely removes my immune system and with covid 19 around WE decided being furloughed til the injection wears off would be a good idea.

Well today turns out they are not happy with that anymore and have ended my contract with immediate effect.

It one thing after another. I try to get help from the doctors to deal with all this and they give me another number and that number is a voicemail that say they are not taking new people on.

I understand suicide

I wont do it but i understand it

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Not going to plan

So this is what happens when i try to change things.

I called the doctors and asked for help. As my normal go to is self harm. They gave me a different number to call which i did only to get a voicemail stating they are not taking on new people.

So thats help out the window. They have given me no other option.

So i decided to try and sort myself out as i have let myself go. Booked a hair appointment for friday. my partner offered to have the kids, but now he is called into work for the rest of the week and i need to cancel it. I havent had my hair cut in over a year.

Now i get work need him but i have been told to stay at home and shield as im on chemo meds. He has been told the same by his work to protect me but he is being called in for at least 2 days a week.

Not that anyone has noticed but im on a downward spiral trying my best and have no help.

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How whales die

So scrolling thru TikTok as i normally do i came accross a gorgeous women who said

Whales dont die of old age they just eventually get so tired they just drown.#

How sad is that. To think u spend your whole life swimming and taking water for granted to just be killed it.

……………………………………………………………………………………….

Maybe thats what we are doing slowly drowning in our own lives and when we die its because our body and minds are just too tired to carry on.

Is councilling the right option?

Today i have thought alot about all that has gone on the last year.

I sometimes feel like i am drowning in all that has happened in the last year.

Then sometimes i feel like i have done amazing to get through it all.

Other days i have no idea if im doing good or bad.

So in the last 12 months

MY MUM DIED

2 OF MY FOSTER MUMS DIED

MY FOSTER BROTHER DIED

MY DOG DIED

MY KIDS WERE LOOKED IN A HOUSE BY THERE DAD TWICE

I HAVE COURT TO GET FULL CUSTODY

THE CORONA VIRUS PUT US ON LOCK DOWN

MY PARTNER MESSAGED HIS EX TO TALK ABOUT THE GOOD OLD TIMES

I HAD MY OVARIES OUT

BACK ON CHEMO MEDS.

I think thats it. Maybe everyones life is like this an im taking it all to harsh. My hair is thinning i am back to doing adult work and im pushing everyone away unintentionally. My partner and i have worked through everything and for some unknown reason he is sticking around.

Last weekend i did something stupid and the bad thing is its all a blank. I remember going to my friends house having a small glass of wine. then going to the furnances and having a barcardi and coke and jagershots. then went to her house. we danced and her ex offered me drugs if i got my friend to sleep with him. we got in an arguement as thats not ok.

Thats the last i remember. The next day the police arrested me. I had got in my car and crashed it. well burst the tires. I went to the station the breath tested me at 55. They are not allowed to interview u until u are 35. Alcohol would normally leave ur system at about 10 per hour. I was there 5 hours and it took double the amount of time for the drink to leave my system. The police kept telling me that they would not have charged if i was a normal person and the alcohol level would have gone down as normal.

I now have a court date to worry about. Is there a chance of prison? Would i cope in prison.

How will i cope without a car when i have trouble walking distances. Will my partner stay with me if i become even more reliant on him.

I have decided that im going to speak to a doctor about all this and see if i can get some help. I have never believed in councilling but if i keep it all inside will i just crack.

Whats ur thoughts?