Nothing to say

Lately i have wanted to write in here so much but i start and then my mind goes blank and i cant find the words to write down. So after starting yet another blog which has ended up in the drafts i have decided just to type whatever comes into my head.

So, been crying a lot lately and been very insecure. My looks, my weight, my relationship, my parenting and my mental health.

At present i have 13 unfinished blogs in my drafts, maybe one day i will post them but for now they are not finished.

Does anyone else hold grudges. I have one i just cant let go of and its starting to get to me. The anger, the upset.

But i have blogged about it before.

I was considering counselling but that would mean speaking about my past which if u have read my other blogs u would know thats not a good idea. So what do i do as i cant seem to let it go.

So here it goes again maybe getting my anger out on here will settle me. So wont go thru its all but basically my partners ex stopped me seeing my mum before she died and then stopped me going to her funeral.

Now i know what u think nothing would stop u in those circumstances, well if u have read my blogs u would know that the day i found out my mum had 2 days to live i was in hospital on ALOT of morphine and was unable to drive the 3 hours to see her myself. She stopped my partner from taking me due to threatening to take his kids from him.

His whole family are on her side and dont even know what she did. Her mum died a few weeks before mine. i sent my partner her ex round with flowers which i brought to give her a hug and made sure he told her he would take the kids as long as she needed. And what did i get, i got phone calls of my partners sisters abusing me and threatening me, and being threatened in the local club.

My partners mum writes posts on facebook about how his ex is such an amazing person and mum. I have been with my partner a year and none of his family want to know me. I thought when i got with him my kids would have more family and instead she wont even visit her real grandkids at our house. I post pics on her sons wall and she wont even like them.

But his ex has them round and gets invited invited to dinners and parties.

I love my partners kids but they have been treated like babies, The youngest turns up with bruises including on his face and cant speak. He is nearly 5. I have taught him to dress himself and put his shoes on. Neither of them knew how to do puzzles i have sat and done them with them. I played a board game with him and its obvious he hasnt played one before.

The oldest is the sweetest boy, but brought him presents for his bday he went to take them home and she stood at the door and refused to let him in with his own pressies. He is 8 imagine how he felt. And now he has learnt how to lie. I tell him no and his natural response is i miss mummy. She has treated them like babies for so long they dont know how to act there age.

But there she is sitting pretty, being praised at every turn she takes. She brought her son cereal for his bday. He got more food for his bday then presents. And yes she has money.

Anyway thats enough from me for the night.

things i cant say outloud

So this one is to my partner the one i love.

Im writing this down or typing as the case may be, because these things are hard to say and if i type them maybe just maybe i will be able to get through it all.

It helps im on morphine tonight as the box in my head these things are normally locked in is open.

Where to start…

Well you know the abortion i had at 14 plays on my mind. My step dads child (thought he was my real dad at the time). I was 20 weeks. The baby was alive inside me, it had finger nails and hair. My parents had some one pic me up and take me to mary stopes in london. I got a room to myself. I was taken down the cord was cut and i had to wait over night for my baby to die inside me. My child no matter how i got pregnant this was a living person. My baby, my first. the next day i was taken back down to have my baby removed. The whole time i was there i barely spoke and was in shock. I just cried.

But how did i get pregnant……….

my “dad and it wasnt the first time, or just him. All i know is we had a “uncle” stay with us and my mum would go out to bingo.

I remember running, screaming, hitting, i was tiny, It started at 9 years old and a total of 5 men. My “dad”, “Uncle”,people my parents know and my mums brother Derek. It hurt alot. The smell of deisel, the bruises, heaviness.

This might be hard to read and im sorry but u should know why i am like i am.

one night my mum went out, my sisters were at sleep overs, my dad had a friend over. I didnt get out of bed for 2 days after that night. I dont know why but im having flash backs. The wooden table was a little higher then me. i had bruises accross my hips. I bled for days. i was 11.

I was scared and i was alone. so when we watch a program that shows rape or violence and i go quiet. It means something has come back to me out the box. For now i will stop typing, but just know i am trying my best. Im trying to still be normal at 35.

me again

guess its time to get back to my old self.

the one thats always alone.

the one that is only contacted or spoken to when some one wants something or needs to complain about some one else.

am i not interesting enough?

do i not like the right things?

am i not friend material?

or even gf material.?

we all know im not wife material

im the girl u fuck

im sick of letting my guard down to have it thrown back in my face, u would have thought i would have learnt by now. learnt to stay guarded.

but nope i fall in love, or give to much.

whether its a friend or a partner, sooner or later they run out of things to say and then thats it.

some people can handle feeling alone in a crowded room. i am not one of those people. |I start to think what have i done wrong. maybe im not interesting enough or pretty enough

im not the smartest,

im not the prettiest,

im not interesting,

so what am i………………….

im not left with alot.

im the one thats ill, but doesnt look it

im the one with no family

im the only that the boys wanna fuck

im the one that doesnt matter

the one that will stand by and let people do what they want.

im the one that has no family or friends.

the one with scars on her body.

the one that goes through 13 operations alone cause no one cares enough to come.

the one that has no one turn up to there funeral.

but i plod along still in hope that one day some one will think im special. and i will let my guard down to end up being alone again and again.

things are not great but no one notices. im told i over think thing and maybe i do. but surely there must be things in the first place for me to over think them.

im sure its me it always is. something cant be wrong with everyone else. im the common in it all. ME. the one that has no friends and feels no love.

so i sit in bed or on the sofa alone doing a cross stitch for no one to see. i plod through every day just like the last. getting angry and upset for no one to even notice.

so until i write again thanks for reading

BPD and the lockdown

So just wondering who out there s dealing with a metal health disorder while on lockdown.

Obviously there is loads but what about a personality disorder. Not to mention going through the menapause at the age of 35.

Im starting to go a little crazy tbh. im stressy, hyper, depressed and sleepy all in the same day. Its like an emotional merry go round. Having 2 kids one 5 and one 7 locked in a house is crazy. We have done painting, stained glass, planets, games, i have spent a fortune.

Last night i had 3 nightmares all included loosing a child. So even though i was upset i got up and tried my best today. took the dog and kids out, cleaned, been dancing round the house, trying.

Lets see how long i can keep up with this positive attitude and fitness. Lets hope i sleep tonight.

Mothers Day

Growing up was hard and i was moved round alot. Growing up i had 4 mums. None of them are here today.

My real mum tried her best to protect me, but also had a hand in what happened. She tried to make it up to me but it pushed us further apart. I was so ill when i was told she had only days to live. I couldnt get there by myself and no one would take me. She died without me saying goodbye.

Barbara was my next mum she was always there for me and took me in when i was left at home alone, or run away, or when my family didnt want me. My happiest memories are with barbara, horse riding, her curries, the hugs, she took me in with no hesitation. She died last year, the day before her funeral my kids dad locked them in a house. I missed her funeral getting my kids back i think she would have been ok with that.

Cathy was such an amazing lady, when i ran away at 14 she under no hesitate took me in, treated me like her family. Made a room for me, shopping trips and lots of fun. She herself was ill with parkinsons and sadly lost the fight last year to.

Then we have Teresa. She didnt even know my situation but something inside her made her want t protect me. she brought me lunches at work, we laughed and she asked me to call her mum. She didnt come into work one day cause she suffered from migraines, i thought nothing of it. That night i got a call saying she had lost her sight and died half hour later. A call you never want to get.

So people are celebrating mothers day today. but i dont want to, i wanna have hugs and stay in bed. I want today to end. My mums are not here. The first year after they have died and no one has even released this might be hard for me. The reason being is no one cares. Anyone that did care ha died.

Coping

How do people deal with things? Seems to be one step forward and 20 back.

Coping with one or maybe two things at a time i can handle that. But what happens when everything comes crashing down?

Within the last 7 months i have had 2 foster mums die and my real mum, the father of my kids just up and leave the area and there grandma, deal with a court case as my ex and his family took my kids, gone through several jobs, debts, debts and more debts, the constant abuse of my ex and his family, my boyfriend messaging his ex behind my back and my ovaries out.

Now tell me how to cope? I block all this out all day but as soon as i get a quiet moment im crying my eyes out. I have my ex questioning my sanity all the time. Im trying to prove myself and work and be a good mum working a fulltime job and full custody of my kids.

My chest is hurting, im not sleeping great where do i go from here?

I think having my ovaries out has tipped me over the edge. The thought of not having more kids kills me inside. Heartbreak actually hurts for real. But no one understands. I already have 2. But i cant go to a doctor as my ex has asked the court for a mental evaluation on me.

I just give up. Im done faking a smile.

OOOOOOH the anger (but am i right to be angry?

How does anyone know if there anger is truly justified?

Chest is hearting AGAIN.

Im working hard sending my kids to morning club and after school club to show them you work for what u get. but tbh what do i get in return. Kids i barely get to see, who are tired. Me being ill barely able to stay awake past 7 and a huge strain on my relationship, thats if i even have one anymore.

Major surgery soon which should be a huge worry but with everything thats the thing i am least worried about the most.

People dot see how ill i am. WHY? Cause i dont play on it and im not a wimp. YES so now its classed as my fault cause i dont show it or remind people every 20 minutes. I smile through the pain of a full time job on barely no sleep, and i walk normally when people are watching me but hold my breath the whole time to mask the pain, taking a big breath when they turn away. I make out its me being old.

BUT people close to me should know this, they should know me well enough to see when im struggling. im glad the 50 year old women can work fulltime and then cook a 4 course meal and shop and change the beds. I CANT.

I start work in pain and finish work in pain and thats only half my day done. But i keep going for my kids.

Where does my life go from here. Im loosing my health, my house and my sanity. I dont even know where my relationship is at right now. I dont even know if there is trust anymore. Without trust there is no relationship.

I am not blaming anyone, its me i know it is. All my relationships have gone the same. I fall in love to fast and the guy relaxes leaving me feeling lonely and cold. I give way to much time, money and effort way to fast. I end up laying in bed unable to sleep with a million things running thru my head.

I know i need to change but i dont know how. Where do i start?

All i want is to be taken care of, to be the one in focus for just a little while everyday.

You know what i want is to be considered. I am sick of waiting for a guy to want me. Im sick of being in relationships and waiting for guys to commit. Be with them months or years and have no commitment for them to be in other relationships 5 mins and have moved in or a ring on the womens finger. Why should i wait. what are they waiting for? Why am i not good enough for them to want a future with me or want to take the next step.

SICK OF WAITING. SICK OF NOT BEING CONSIDERED. SICK OF COMMITMENT BEING THE LAST RESORT.

What is wrong with me

Why is my head so fucked up. Why am I getting suicidal thoughts again.

To the point I am dreaming of doing it.

Everything from crashing my car to slitting my throat. Why is my head so fucked. Just got a new job with more money and a better title. Git Christmas kinda sorted. Have so many friends now.

But what’s wrong with me.

Sounds silly but I know I will do it one day. Its always there in the back of my mind. Always niggling away.

I don’t know why. Think there would b one wrson who would be bother if I die. No one else would care.

And I know ur reading this Gareth. Don’t use this against me like u normally do

Life is a Tornado in a Hurricane

People say we make our own luck.

Is this true? If it is I made my luck out of a shit storm.

Shit after shit flies at me and i was never good at sports so they all manage to hit.

Is reincarnation real. Am I the human version of the dung beetle. Will i be a princess in the next life in some far away paradise. Just for enduring all this pain and hate.

Be positive they say. (love to see them try)

Smile it wont crack your makeup. Ok firstly im 35 now so need this makeup and secondly you smile with out crying after the week i have had.

OK HERE GOES…

Was taken into hospital in SOOO much pain last Monday by ambulance at my kids school. On gas and air, alot or morphine plus more. To be finally given the Prostap injection. A small dose of chemo meds.

While i was in on Monday I got a text off a neice asking me to call my sister. To find out my mum had about 2 days to live. I broke down and discharged myself.

I found out she was in Yorkshire only 2 hours up the road. I asked for her address a while ago and was lied to and told she lived down south in Sandwich, Kent. This was a deliberate lie. No wonder i never got a christmas card back or a phone call.

I was far to ill to travel but kept in contact. Wednesday was the day we were going to see her. Got my kids sorted and my partner sorted his kids. I would have about 2 hours with mum. Only to have his ex girlfriend cancel all the plans so we had to turn around.

Mum died 4am the next morning. I never made it in time. Never got to hold her hand and say i love u. Give her a kiss on the head and say it was ok to sleep now. I will never see her again.

Come Monday and i am back at work. Meeting after meeting. To be told I only get the day my mum died, a day for the funeral plans and the day of the funeral as compassionate leave. The rest I need to use my holiday and because i never actually saw her I should have come in to work the days before her death.

I was considering seeing my mums body on Thursday but have been told I have to be in work Friday but I wouldnt be able to face it if i see my mum laying there all cold and lifeless.

I was told today that whats happened to me over the last few months cant be true as no one has that much bad luck.

And on top of that i have found out my daughter has been hurt by her own grandma. My son describes it in so much detail its heartbreaking. I should have listened to my gut instinct. So now have police involved with that. From her being dragged round by her arm and screaming, to a very suspicious round burn on her hand and bruises on her back.

If other people cant believe all of whats happened how do i deal with it. I know at some point this is all gonna crash around me and i will just break down. But for now i will fake the smile as best I can for my kids and cry when im alone.

Not coping

I’m not coping atm.

All those walls I built up are breaking down. All the memories bad and good are coming back.

I had a dream my mum was still alive and was a joke. But she isn’t and I didn’t get to see her.

I’m on alot of pain meds like morphine. Mum is gone, Barbara is dying and Cathy is gone.

My mind won’t process it. I have so many questions.

Was mum with anyone?

Did she know it was the end?

Was she scared?

I don’t want her to be scared.

Did it hurt her?

Was she awake when it happened?

Did she know I love her?

I don’t remember the last time I told her. Now I never can.

I hope there is something after death and she knows I’m sorry.

What now though. What happens? How do I organise things?

My head isnt working properly. I cry all the time or pass out asleep. I don’t wanna be alone.

Called doctors for help but worried they will admit me in to a unit.

I just wanna walk off a bridge and join mum. I can’t do this. I can’t be here. It all hurts to much.

I don’t wanna loose Barbara. She helped me thru so much. She took me horse riding and cooked amazing curries. She always was there for me. And took me in. She was always on my side.

I dunno how to cope. It’s all to much.