Category: Mental Health

Mum died today

Today I found out my mum died about 4am. I was going to see her today. Now she isn’t here anymore.

I’m gonna break. And I can’t stop it.

Another mum of mine who took me in when I was cast out by mine has lung and brain cancer and doesn’t have long either.

My Foster mum died 2 weeks ago.

How do I cope with this. Can’t stop crying, I’m lashing out at people who are trying to help.

My mental health isn’t great anyway. I feel numb, confused, alone.

Can’t stay awake, endo pain is bad.

Where do I turn. Do I take my meds and block it all out.

Tried to call doctors as if I break I will end up in mental health unit again. Trying not to self harm. It’s hard people don’t understand.

 

Just want to numb it all, stop the random crying and give up.

What would u do?

Life and its roundabouts, roadhumps and traffic lights

In the life we live things won’t always go to plan. Even the person who seems to have the perfect life will have troubles hidden away. The key things is how we overcome them.

We can crash and burn or stand tall and fight.

Some we all have the stand tall and fight somewhere inside us. Sometimes it’s just hidden really well.

U need to get through the hurt, anger and depression first.

But how hard do u fight and how long for?

Is it OK to give in sometimes?

Something will kill you or make you stronger, but once again how do u know which one is which?

 

 

When is the right time?

When is the right time to ask for help?

I mean mentally. Is it when you first break down? Or the first time you selfharm? The first night u cant sleep? Or the first time you overdose?

How do I convince the doctors I need help?

I know you guys see this depressed side of me, that’s not what others see. They see my bubbly, girlie personality. Everyone thinks I’m fine. When do I get my Oscar?

Can a person get over depression, or is it always there like a dark cloud on a summers day. Is anyone truly happy do you think?

Do fairy tales exist? Even in a fairy tale you have to go thru hell to get the happy ending. Maybe mine is coming and this is the beginning of the end before my castle in a gorgeous village.

Or maybe I missed the happy ending.

I wonder who if anyone will catch me if I fall. Or would they even notice and see thru my fake exterior.

U see on facebook when someone dies. Could be the worst criminal out there but everyone will say how amazing they were and how the whole community loved them.

My own family wouldn’t even turn up to my funeral. Would anyone else?

Are some people ment to wonder thru life alone. Does it make them stronger, or does it just break them down til there is nothing left.

I guess we will find out.

 

Who can you trust?

I have had a lot of trust issues lately.

Who in this world can you trust?

Can you trust the girl who is ment to be ur best friend when she says she cares for u?

What about the person making promises to never hurt u again?

Or new opportunities that come your way?

The boss that tells you to work hard and you will go far?

Or the doctors promising to help you?

Life is dependant on trust, but what if u cant trust anyone. What then? Where do you turn? Who is there to help you and who is there to use you?

In all honesty I don’t trust anyone. People will always hurt you. Its in the human DNA. The difference is not everyone does it intentionally, but it still hurts the same.

One thing I have learnt is to be alone in this world and not to trust anyone. that way no one can hurt you. The issue with that is you always let someone in. And they always hurt you. Then you hate urself for being  stupid.

This will be my first of 2 blogs tonight.

 

If people only knew

Do u ever just wanna scream and shout?

Do u ever get pissed off when people don’t realise ur stressed or down? But u haven’t even told them y.

Just would love someone to take enough interest in me to notice.

Hearing people complain about the same things in life, like a cold coffee or work.

Wish I could scream at them.

But nobody knows cause who wants to be friends with a whiner.

Why are u missed more when ur gone

What is there after death?

Is there a light and a tunnel?

Does God exist? If so why the fuck does he hate me so much.

Found out the other day that the reason ur life flashed before ur eyes when ur moments away from death, is because ur brain is trying to use ur life experiences to get u out the situation.

One day I will find out what’s after this life, if anything.

One day soon maybe.

And the world will carry on. My parents won’t care and my funeral will be bare. Does anyone know what flowers I would want. Or if I wanna buried or cremated.

Would anyone pay for it.

Who cares anymore.

Love from

The girl who tries her best but always fails

IM BACK!!!!

So here I am writing again. Its 2.14am, and I’m due at work I’m under 5 hours.

My nights have been like this a lot lately. I don’t really sleep anymore. I just have this blurry feeling in my head and a faint buzzing.

Is this what insomnia feels like. Or can I just not sleep.

Always a lot going on in my life. I think ‘good luck’ has up and fucked off. Listened to his evil twin ‘bad luck’ and just swapped places.

Last week was hard and my endometriosis kicked my butt. took morphine for the first time at my new job. It was worse then it has been in a while. to the point where my jeans touching the left pelvic area even for a split second in the bathroom made me drop to the floor and hit my head.

But I made it thru the day with just one person noticing.

Is it wrong that I’m getting annoyed at people being fussed around cause they have a headache or something similar. when I’m sitting in agony knowing I should be in the hospital. But that’s my fault as I don’t tell anyone.

I say I don’t want sympathy but a simple are u ok do you need a hug would be nice.

Just to have some one hold me and tell me it will be over soon and the pain will subside. For me to fall asleep in there arms. I miss that. been years since anyone cared about me enough. Even friends are not like that.

I haven’t had anymore suicide attempts although I did self harm. Which I hate myself for, some times its the only way to release the stress, pain and anger I feel inside. Do others have issues coping like I do? Whats wrong with me that I cant cope?

I have seen mental health doctors before but they all say I’m fine. CLEARLY IM NOT.

I was even taken into a mental health unit for 2 weeks. where I was diagnosed with Manic Depression, most commonly know as Bipolar. I was later then rediagnosed with Borderline personality disorder. I was told it cant be bipolar because I don’t run down the street naked.

But I am on no medication and don’t see councillors. I choose not to see them because all they wanna do is talk about my past. Which I have worked so hard to block out. They start me talking then the nightmares start again. I cant deal with that. Right now they are few and far between. But when I start speaking about them they are every night.

I still see random things, like shadows and spiders that are not there. but they said as long as I don’t here voices I am fine.

I have had the heart monitor fitted and see the heart specialist on Friday. And see my pre op doctor on Thursday regarding my endo op.

I’m not sure how I will handle the operation for Endo. It is to take out my ovaries. I’m scared it will send me into a spiral. When I had my womb removed it took over a year to handle it emotionally and I still have moments now where I struggle and cry. To have babies again. I cant even look at the facebook memories of my kids when they were young. its silly and I cant talk to anyone including councillors as I always get the same response. “you have 2 kids already u should be happy, some people cant have kids”

It makes me even more upset, as I have no one to discuss it with.

I barely see my kids atm and I hate it. I have to work so that they can have a good up bringing but I just seem to get on more debt. I get home at about 6 and they go bed around 7. At weekends there nan who hates me for being ill and working. She thinks I cant be as ill as I have said cause she sits on her arse so how can I work. So she has them on the Friday night. I see my kids for about 2 days a week. I hate it but money has to be earnt. I hate that I cant take them places.

The guilt I feel is unbelievable. hope they know I love them.

These are the times I resent people who can just ask mummy and daddy for help. I have no cooker atm but have no money to get one. I’m even selling naked pics of me online cause we need money so bad. But I don’t have family. I have no one to talk to and fall back on for support. Its just me dealing with all this.

I was told by some one at work I’m the most positive person there. I’m not I can just fake it. They don’t know I’m dying inside and holding back tears.

Will things ever change. I don’t think I’m a bad person, I work hard and try my best. I try to be nice to everyone. So when do I get a break.

 

Heart pounding, head broken.

It’s that time again where if I don’t write it down I will burst nd do something silly.

Really how much stress can a heart take? My heart monitor loop recorder thing is fitted. It’s in my left boob. I’m a 34gg which mean I bounce no matter how secure the bra is. Therefore the implant hasn’t settled and keeps moving.

I can no longer lay on my front and bras hurt. See the heart doctor in the next two weeks and see my surgeon for a pre op for my endo the same week.

The things at home are the same. The ex won’t leave I’m so stressed. He promises me he will change and help more but nothing ever changes. He will never leave. The police won’t remove him as he is on the tenancy. I need to be happy.

Every day is just stress from start to finish. Arguments before I go work, arguments all day and the same when I come home. I sleep about 4 hours a night.

I collapse and got left for 45 mins on the floor. He said he heard a bang. I have a heart issue I could have died. Everyday I fight the urge to take meds to numb it all out.

His m tricked me into opening up to her saying I can trust her and have some one to talk to. About 10 mins later she is on the phone to my ex telling him everything.

 

I truly am alone in this world. I must have murdered thousands of children in my past life to get this punishment.

 

I love my kids but I do believe they would be happier without me. I have to work as there dad doesn’t they barely get to see me and when they do I’m either fighting back tears, to ill to function or extremely stressed.

But it is funny how I can go into work and no one knows. They all think I’m the cheery one.

Little do they know I’m barely making thru life.

 

 

 

How do u live ur life knowing ur not meant to be here.

I look back and trying to find happiness in my past but there is none. Even when my kids were born it was surrounded by selfishness and anger.

Every night I lay alone. Thinking of how my parents didn’t even want me. And now every man I have been with has either used me of abused me.

Some say its my fault and look to future.

But what future, more operations, more pain.

They say carry on for ur kids but is it fair they see mummy in and out of hospital. Or living less then half a life, faking a smile and fighting back tears. Loosing my temper quickly cause life is to much pressure.

I barely bring up my kids, I barely get a say. Yes I live with them but I don’t get to say when they go bed or whether they should be on a games console.

I work to provide, but that makes me a bad mum.

I lost 6 babies before I had mine. No one cares though. The births were ruin. No one threw me a baby shower. My family haven’t even visited even after begging them.

Not sure they would miss me. The certainly wouldn’t notice straight away.

It’s gets to about 7pm and I get ushered to my room so my ex can play xbox and the dog won’t whine.

Where’s my love and cuddles. Where’s my happy family.

Where’s my best mates. I collapse twice and they don’t wanna know. The party girl that gets called for a good time.

I’m just a good actress that’s it. But I’m also selfish for wanting to leave this world.