How do u live ur life knowing ur not meant to be here.

I look back and trying to find happiness in my past but there is none. Even when my kids were born it was surrounded by selfishness and anger.

Every night I lay alone. Thinking of how my parents didn’t even want me. And now every man I have been with has either used me of abused me.

Some say its my fault and look to future.

But what future, more operations, more pain.

They say carry on for ur kids but is it fair they see mummy in and out of hospital. Or living less then half a life, faking a smile and fighting back tears. Loosing my temper quickly cause life is to much pressure.

I barely bring up my kids, I barely get a say. Yes I live with them but I don’t get to say when they go bed or whether they should be on a games console.

I work to provide, but that makes me a bad mum.

I lost 6 babies before I had mine. No one cares though. The births were ruin. No one threw me a baby shower. My family haven’t even visited even after begging them.

Not sure they would miss me. The certainly wouldn’t notice straight away.

It’s gets to about 7pm and I get ushered to my room so my ex can play xbox and the dog won’t whine.

Where’s my love and cuddles. Where’s my happy family.

Where’s my best mates. I collapse twice and they don’t wanna know. The party girl that gets called for a good time.

I’m just a good actress that’s it. But I’m also selfish for wanting to leave this world.