Category: Mental Health

Nothing has changed

Last week about this time I tried to kill myself. Its like it never happened. The people who do know I’m kot sure they care. Was even called selfish by one of them.

I’m guessing as there are so many that do things like this for attention society don’t see when it was real.

I have no idea how I survived, I research what I needed to take and even took extra on top. But I’m here.

 

People will say its for a reason. I don’t believe in the high power and stuff. Ur here cause u were born nothing else.

Life will plod along. With half my mind on the real word and half in a thunder cloud.

Suicide

I seem to be all doom and gloom lately.

It got to the point I couldn’t cope. Thinking going out with a gf would help.

It didn’t and last night I tried to kill myself

I did research and took the amount of meds it said would kill me. So why am I still here

I don’t believe in the  ‘I’m alive for a reason’.

I wrote my note I settled in bed. Put some music on and layed down. And I felt so warm and relaxed. It was the best I had felt in ages. I finally fell asleep.

But I was woken up by my ex (we live together as I’m disabled)

He has acted like nothing has happened. Helped me in a bath and to the toilet while I’m bringing sick. But won’t talk about last night or why I did it.

So here’s why

I’m just so alone. I can say I only really have 2 good friends and they live miles away.

I have to go work tomorrow and I know I will come home in agony.

Everyday is a pain day now.

I go to bed at 7 every night so my ex can game online.

So I sit in my room doing nothing

I know I will be called selfish as I have kids, but all they see is mummy in pain and in the hospital constantly.

Life has just got to hard. I have no mum or dad. My 5 sisters don’t wanna know me. Who do I run to to talk.

 

 

 

 

Depression

I understand why people kill themselves

No its not selfish. I hate it when people say that. Most of the time it’s due to loneliness.

U can have a million people around but feel like the only person in the world.

 

The reason I am writing this.

I’m sick of being alone. And always the one in the wrong.

 

I have had 11 operations and done them all alone,

I have no family as the disowned me. At the age of 14. No I wasn’t a bad child I just wasn’t my dad’s child so always the outsider. I got blamed for everything. From bending a book (I got a slap round my face for that) – to getting blamed when I was sexually assaulted.

I have had 6 miscarriages.

No friends that actually care. Not exaggerating. No one visits me at hospital when I mention anything or disagree with them I get told I to self obsessed.

I have endometriosis, fibro, heart issues and am I pain daily.

I have lost job after job due to collapsing.

I get ridiculed when I don’t stick to plans cause I’m in agony.

I get told I’m faking my illnesses. Cause obviously surgeons love wasting there time and operating.

I’m in a rediculous amount of debt.

So I ask again why do I bother.

 

My debts are thru the roof.

I use to self harm but that’s not enough anymore. I go to the doctors and I told im coping fine.

No family, no friends, no partner, no support.

Loss

Loosing anyone in life is hard and something u never really get over.

Mine isn’t a person I have lost. I don’t have any family in my life. Mine is I have had 3 miscarriages and have lost the ability to have more kids and 3 cats in 3 months.

I sit here at night in a room alone when everyone else is asleep and think of how my oldest would have been 18 now. I did have 2 babies and the are 6 and 3. So gorgeous.

But it’s doesn’t stop the hurting that now I had to have a hysterectomy in 2017 I will never be a mummy again. But  called selfish as others can’t have one. I cherish everyday with them. But walking down the baby Isle or each birthday they have I get sad. No matter how hard I try not to.

It’s gonna sound silly but my cat had kittens and one in particular followed me around, slept with me and was always there. It was like having a baby again. But she had been promised to another family. I cried when she left and I don’t get emotional over animals normally.

Over Christmas I lost to more cats, one a kitten that died with me holding him. I was cuddling him when hi took his last breath. I’m sitting her crying. I’m so emotional. Then we got a knock from the neighbour to say there is a injured cat outside. And yes it was my baby gothem he was the runt of the litter and wasn’t breathing when he was born. I brought him back. He got run over. I rushed him to the vets and but they had to put him down in my arms. The vet hugged me. And now my cat Blaze is missing looked everywhere so worried about him.

Loss isn’t just loosing a family member or friend its a feeling. A horrible feeling that creeps up on u when ur alone and laying in bed.