Whats done is done

I have been bruised, beaten, used, manipulated, stripped of my dignity, self respect, loosing my house, kids, my heart has been broken again and again.

I feel defeated like life isnt worth anything.

I dont think i have ever had some one love me. I dont remember hugs from my parents, Love from my sisters. I have always been the problem from the time i was born.

The blonde haired blued baby, the misfit in a family of ginger and brown haired, brown eyed people.

Never got included or felt love.

Been beaten by every man i have loved. One even said it was my type. But have always been told i made them that way and caused them to hit me.

You were different though. I thought i had been in love before but when i met u i realised the loved i felt before wasnt real love. Cause what i feel for u is so strong to the point i forgave you over and over i held u when u cried. I gave you my life and everything i had. I did whatever you wanted me to do. I became an escort cause you asked me to telling me you would always be there for the nightmares.

But i wasnt enough for you. I wasnt enough for you to stay with. I wasnt enough to stop u hurting me and bruising me.

I wish i knew what i was to you. Apart from knowing i wasnt enough.

You cheated our whole relationship i forgave you because i would have put up with anything u threw at me. But u are ashamed of me. I dont blame u im ashamed of myself, i hate me too.

My world came to an end today. My kids need a better life than with me. Due to last night i can barely move again and begged for you to come and help me to the toilet, basic human right. But u said no. You were ment to be here tonight snuggled up.

But it all came to a head when i found out, the thing that hurt me the most. U told me you were in a serious car accident but i couldnt come to see u at the hospital as im ur secret. I cried, i was so worried about, scared you were seriously hurt. This carried on for months. I had panic attacks that day as went hours with no response from you. I thought u were seriously hurt. I found out u made the whole thing up. The nightmares and sleepless nights were for nothing.

Then last night i came to drop ur stuff off. I begged u to come talk to me u wouldnt. When i got there u didnt hesitate to throw me to the floor over and over again. bruising me and causing me unable to walk.

But thats my life. Thats what im bringing to my kids. They deserve so much better than me and life deserves to carry on without me. I am beyond damaged now and need someone to hold me and tell me they will help me thru this. But i have no one. Even after begging u and u finding me hanging from the bed frame unconscious you refused to help me.

so here i am again. worthless, in agony and emotionally destroyed

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oh shit i think im in trouble

so anyone that reads my blog u will know i have trouble with suicide and self harm

Tonight is different

I dont particulary feel depressed but something isnt right, its hard to explain. i think i have something wrong with me schizophrenia maybe, there is something worng.

I have been down all day fighting thoughts but i dont know i took the kids out today had a great day and now have the very very overwhelming thought that i can go now. like my mind is at peice. I had a god day with them. something they can remember. i was fine and its just hit me like a truck. my mind is saying it fine to leave now. i can go. i did my job.

but lately i cant control my thoughts or actions. my arm is cut to ribbons and my mind has been manic but now its calm. my mind and body is saying its ok now its time.

now im scared

im alone

i cant ask anyone to help as did that and lost everyone

crap

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Hard times

Why is it so hard to get support for mental health. doctors wont help they say its circumstantial. I have lost my only anchor. my “friends” that i have explained how close i am and attempted suicide a few months ago are no where to be seen. If anything they have spoken to me less.

struggling so much with no support. i go to AnE they will admit me and i will loose my kids.

No clue what im going to do. I dont want to speak to anyone over the phone i want a text or chat service. I speak to someone over the phone i will loose it and not be ok

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Todays a day I would rather forget

Its a day I cant stop crying

a day I cant stop overthinking

A day I cant concentrate

The one year anniversary of an amazing women

The middle of the second lockdown

It’s the day my head feels fuzzy

I’m stressed

Upset

Tired

Sad

And irritated all at once

It’s a day I know arguments will happen and they will probably be my fault

It’s a day I wont sleep well

But it’s just another day. So will ride it out and see what’s next

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Here we go again

So once again im sitting here in tears alone as always

Today i lost my job. I worked in the Telecoms industry and was furloughed due to having an injection for endo that completely removes my immune system and with covid 19 around WE decided being furloughed til the injection wears off would be a good idea.

Well today turns out they are not happy with that anymore and have ended my contract with immediate effect.

It one thing after another. I try to get help from the doctors to deal with all this and they give me another number and that number is a voicemail that say they are not taking new people on.

I understand suicide

I wont do it but i understand it

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Not going to plan

So this is what happens when i try to change things.

I called the doctors and asked for help. As my normal go to is self harm. They gave me a different number to call which i did only to get a voicemail stating they are not taking on new people.

So thats help out the window. They have given me no other option.

So i decided to try and sort myself out as i have let myself go. Booked a hair appointment for friday. my partner offered to have the kids, but now he is called into work for the rest of the week and i need to cancel it. I havent had my hair cut in over a year.

Now i get work need him but i have been told to stay at home and shield as im on chemo meds. He has been told the same by his work to protect me but he is being called in for at least 2 days a week.

Not that anyone has noticed but im on a downward spiral trying my best and have no help.

Is councilling the right option?

Today i have thought alot about all that has gone on the last year.

I sometimes feel like i am drowning in all that has happened in the last year.

Then sometimes i feel like i have done amazing to get through it all.

Other days i have no idea if im doing good or bad.

So in the last 12 months

MY MUM DIED

2 OF MY FOSTER MUMS DIED

MY FOSTER BROTHER DIED

MY DOG DIED

MY KIDS WERE LOOKED IN A HOUSE BY THERE DAD TWICE

I HAVE COURT TO GET FULL CUSTODY

THE CORONA VIRUS PUT US ON LOCK DOWN

MY PARTNER MESSAGED HIS EX TO TALK ABOUT THE GOOD OLD TIMES

I HAD MY OVARIES OUT

BACK ON CHEMO MEDS.

I think thats it. Maybe everyones life is like this an im taking it all to harsh. My hair is thinning i am back to doing adult work and im pushing everyone away unintentionally. My partner and i have worked through everything and for some unknown reason he is sticking around.

Last weekend i did something stupid and the bad thing is its all a blank. I remember going to my friends house having a small glass of wine. then going to the furnances and having a barcardi and coke and jagershots. then went to her house. we danced and her ex offered me drugs if i got my friend to sleep with him. we got in an arguement as thats not ok.

Thats the last i remember. The next day the police arrested me. I had got in my car and crashed it. well burst the tires. I went to the station the breath tested me at 55. They are not allowed to interview u until u are 35. Alcohol would normally leave ur system at about 10 per hour. I was there 5 hours and it took double the amount of time for the drink to leave my system. The police kept telling me that they would not have charged if i was a normal person and the alcohol level would have gone down as normal.

I now have a court date to worry about. Is there a chance of prison? Would i cope in prison.

How will i cope without a car when i have trouble walking distances. Will my partner stay with me if i become even more reliant on him.

I have decided that im going to speak to a doctor about all this and see if i can get some help. I have never believed in councilling but if i keep it all inside will i just crack.

Whats ur thoughts?

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Nothing to say

Lately i have wanted to write in here so much but i start and then my mind goes blank and i cant find the words to write down. So after starting yet another blog which has ended up in the drafts i have decided just to type whatever comes into my head.

So, been crying a lot lately and been very insecure. My looks, my weight, my relationship, my parenting and my mental health.

At present i have 13 unfinished blogs in my drafts, maybe one day i will post them but for now they are not finished.

Does anyone else hold grudges. I have one i just cant let go of and its starting to get to me. The anger, the upset.

But i have blogged about it before.

I was considering counselling but that would mean speaking about my past which if u have read my other blogs u would know thats not a good idea. So what do i do as i cant seem to let it go.

So here it goes again maybe getting my anger out on here will settle me. So wont go thru its all but basically my partners ex stopped me seeing my mum before she died and then stopped me going to her funeral.

Now i know what u think nothing would stop u in those circumstances, well if u have read my blogs u would know that the day i found out my mum had 2 days to live i was in hospital on ALOT of morphine and was unable to drive the 3 hours to see her myself. She stopped my partner from taking me due to threatening to take his kids from him.

His whole family are on her side and dont even know what she did. Her mum died a few weeks before mine. i sent my partner her ex round with flowers which i brought to give her a hug and made sure he told her he would take the kids as long as she needed. And what did i get, i got phone calls of my partners sisters abusing me and threatening me, and being threatened in the local club.

My partners mum writes posts on facebook about how his ex is such an amazing person and mum. I have been with my partner a year and none of his family want to know me. I thought when i got with him my kids would have more family and instead she wont even visit her real grandkids at our house. I post pics on her sons wall and she wont even like them.

But his ex has them round and gets invited invited to dinners and parties.

I love my partners kids but they have been treated like babies, The youngest turns up with bruises including on his face and cant speak. He is nearly 5. I have taught him to dress himself and put his shoes on. Neither of them knew how to do puzzles i have sat and done them with them. I played a board game with him and its obvious he hasnt played one before.

The oldest is the sweetest boy, but brought him presents for his bday he went to take them home and she stood at the door and refused to let him in with his own pressies. He is 8 imagine how he felt. And now he has learnt how to lie. I tell him no and his natural response is i miss mummy. She has treated them like babies for so long they dont know how to act there age.

But there she is sitting pretty, being praised at every turn she takes. She brought her son cereal for his bday. He got more food for his bday then presents. And yes she has money.

Anyway thats enough from me for the night.

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BPD and the lockdown

So just wondering who out there s dealing with a metal health disorder while on lockdown.

Obviously there is loads but what about a personality disorder. Not to mention going through the menapause at the age of 35.

Im starting to go a little crazy tbh. im stressy, hyper, depressed and sleepy all in the same day. Its like an emotional merry go round. Having 2 kids one 5 and one 7 locked in a house is crazy. We have done painting, stained glass, planets, games, i have spent a fortune.

Last night i had 3 nightmares all included loosing a child. So even though i was upset i got up and tried my best today. took the dog and kids out, cleaned, been dancing round the house, trying.

Lets see how long i can keep up with this positive attitude and fitness. Lets hope i sleep tonight.

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Mothers Day

Growing up was hard and i was moved round alot. Growing up i had 4 mums. None of them are here today.

My real mum tried her best to protect me, but also had a hand in what happened. She tried to make it up to me but it pushed us further apart. I was so ill when i was told she had only days to live. I couldnt get there by myself and no one would take me. She died without me saying goodbye.

Barbara was my next mum she was always there for me and took me in when i was left at home alone, or run away, or when my family didnt want me. My happiest memories are with barbara, horse riding, her curries, the hugs, she took me in with no hesitation. She died last year, the day before her funeral my kids dad locked them in a house. I missed her funeral getting my kids back i think she would have been ok with that.

Cathy was such an amazing lady, when i ran away at 14 she under no hesitate took me in, treated me like her family. Made a room for me, shopping trips and lots of fun. She herself was ill with parkinsons and sadly lost the fight last year to.

Then we have Teresa. She didnt even know my situation but something inside her made her want t protect me. she brought me lunches at work, we laughed and she asked me to call her mum. She didnt come into work one day cause she suffered from migraines, i thought nothing of it. That night i got a call saying she had lost her sight and died half hour later. A call you never want to get.

So people are celebrating mothers day today. but i dont want to, i wanna have hugs and stay in bed. I want today to end. My mums are not here. The first year after they have died and no one has even released this might be hard for me. The reason being is no one cares. Anyone that did care ha died.