Coping

How do people deal with things? Seems to be one step forward and 20 back.

Coping with one or maybe two things at a time i can handle that. But what happens when everything comes crashing down?

Within the last 7 months i have had 2 foster mums die and my real mum, the father of my kids just up and leave the area and there grandma, deal with a court case as my ex and his family took my kids, gone through several jobs, debts, debts and more debts, the constant abuse of my ex and his family, my boyfriend messaging his ex behind my back and my ovaries out.

Now tell me how to cope? I block all this out all day but as soon as i get a quiet moment im crying my eyes out. I have my ex questioning my sanity all the time. Im trying to prove myself and work and be a good mum working a fulltime job and full custody of my kids.

My chest is hurting, im not sleeping great where do i go from here?

I think having my ovaries out has tipped me over the edge. The thought of not having more kids kills me inside. Heartbreak actually hurts for real. But no one understands. I already have 2. But i cant go to a doctor as my ex has asked the court for a mental evaluation on me.

I just give up. Im done faking a smile.

OOOOOOH the anger (but am i right to be angry?

How does anyone know if there anger is truly justified?

Chest is hearting AGAIN.

Im working hard sending my kids to morning club and after school club to show them you work for what u get. but tbh what do i get in return. Kids i barely get to see, who are tired. Me being ill barely able to stay awake past 7 and a huge strain on my relationship, thats if i even have one anymore.

Major surgery soon which should be a huge worry but with everything thats the thing i am least worried about the most.

People dot see how ill i am. WHY? Cause i dont play on it and im not a wimp. YES so now its classed as my fault cause i dont show it or remind people every 20 minutes. I smile through the pain of a full time job on barely no sleep, and i walk normally when people are watching me but hold my breath the whole time to mask the pain, taking a big breath when they turn away. I make out its me being old.

BUT people close to me should know this, they should know me well enough to see when im struggling. im glad the 50 year old women can work fulltime and then cook a 4 course meal and shop and change the beds. I CANT.

I start work in pain and finish work in pain and thats only half my day done. But i keep going for my kids.

Where does my life go from here. Im loosing my health, my house and my sanity. I dont even know where my relationship is at right now. I dont even know if there is trust anymore. Without trust there is no relationship.

I am not blaming anyone, its me i know it is. All my relationships have gone the same. I fall in love to fast and the guy relaxes leaving me feeling lonely and cold. I give way to much time, money and effort way to fast. I end up laying in bed unable to sleep with a million things running thru my head.

I know i need to change but i dont know how. Where do i start?

All i want is to be taken care of, to be the one in focus for just a little while everyday.

You know what i want is to be considered. I am sick of waiting for a guy to want me. Im sick of being in relationships and waiting for guys to commit. Be with them months or years and have no commitment for them to be in other relationships 5 mins and have moved in or a ring on the womens finger. Why should i wait. what are they waiting for? Why am i not good enough for them to want a future with me or want to take the next step.

SICK OF WAITING. SICK OF NOT BEING CONSIDERED. SICK OF COMMITMENT BEING THE LAST RESORT.

Life is a Tornado in a Hurricane

People say we make our own luck.

Is this true? If it is I made my luck out of a shit storm.

Shit after shit flies at me and i was never good at sports so they all manage to hit.

Is reincarnation real. Am I the human version of the dung beetle. Will i be a princess in the next life in some far away paradise. Just for enduring all this pain and hate.

Be positive they say. (love to see them try)

Smile it wont crack your makeup. Ok firstly im 35 now so need this makeup and secondly you smile with out crying after the week i have had.

OK HERE GOES…

Was taken into hospital in SOOO much pain last Monday by ambulance at my kids school. On gas and air, alot or morphine plus more. To be finally given the Prostap injection. A small dose of chemo meds.

While i was in on Monday I got a text off a neice asking me to call my sister. To find out my mum had about 2 days to live. I broke down and discharged myself.

I found out she was in Yorkshire only 2 hours up the road. I asked for her address a while ago and was lied to and told she lived down south in Sandwich, Kent. This was a deliberate lie. No wonder i never got a christmas card back or a phone call.

I was far to ill to travel but kept in contact. Wednesday was the day we were going to see her. Got my kids sorted and my partner sorted his kids. I would have about 2 hours with mum. Only to have his ex girlfriend cancel all the plans so we had to turn around.

Mum died 4am the next morning. I never made it in time. Never got to hold her hand and say i love u. Give her a kiss on the head and say it was ok to sleep now. I will never see her again.

Come Monday and i am back at work. Meeting after meeting. To be told I only get the day my mum died, a day for the funeral plans and the day of the funeral as compassionate leave. The rest I need to use my holiday and because i never actually saw her I should have come in to work the days before her death.

I was considering seeing my mums body on Thursday but have been told I have to be in work Friday but I wouldnt be able to face it if i see my mum laying there all cold and lifeless.

I was told today that whats happened to me over the last few months cant be true as no one has that much bad luck.

And on top of that i have found out my daughter has been hurt by her own grandma. My son describes it in so much detail its heartbreaking. I should have listened to my gut instinct. So now have police involved with that. From her being dragged round by her arm and screaming, to a very suspicious round burn on her hand and bruises on her back.

If other people cant believe all of whats happened how do i deal with it. I know at some point this is all gonna crash around me and i will just break down. But for now i will fake the smile as best I can for my kids and cry when im alone.

Laying in the bath at 3.11am. THANKS endo

It’s 3.11am on a Sunday morning and I’m in the bath trying to ease back pain. Would say back ache but that really doesn’t do it justice.

With my belly very swollen and my back throbbing like I have been hit by a car. I wonder when I will get to sleep.

My partner is in bed with a 12 hour shift ahead of him and I don’t wanna wake him and complain of my pain. He wouldn’t mind of course but I would knowing how tired he will be tomorrow.

I have a bedroom to move round later today. Tried to do some yesterday did half of it before I was out of breath and hurting.

THIS IS MY BAD WEEK (10 DAYS)

But hopefully I will get the prostap injection this week. That helps ease the pain slightly. But will eventually kill my ovaries and I will have no hope of saving any eggs.

The injection itself comes with drawbacks and acts like chemo does. I will loose some hair, be sick and my immune system will all but disappear. Its the price I pay to have less pain.

Things I have found out this week…

Love isn’t dead.

Don’t push away the ones that love u the most.

I have a seizure before I become unconscious.

This week I will learn that doing it alone as a parent is gonna be the hardest and most emotional thing I will ever do. But it will be worth the most.

This week I have kept my kids pics with me and I have missed them so much. But come Monday I will have them in my arms.

Being a parent is about trying ur best no matter what the situation. They may not have everything they want but they will always have whatever they need. Xxx