I have been bruised, beaten, used, manipulated, stripped of my dignity, self respect, loosing my house, kids, my heart has been broken again and again.
I feel defeated like life isnt worth anything.
I dont think i have ever had some one love me. I dont remember hugs from my parents, Love from my sisters. I have always been the problem from the time i was born.
The blonde haired blued baby, the misfit in a family of ginger and brown haired, brown eyed people.
Never got included or felt love.
Been beaten by every man i have loved. One even said it was my type. But have always been told i made them that way and caused them to hit me.
You were different though. I thought i had been in love before but when i met u i realised the loved i felt before wasnt real love. Cause what i feel for u is so strong to the point i forgave you over and over i held u when u cried. I gave you my life and everything i had. I did whatever you wanted me to do. I became an escort cause you asked me to telling me you would always be there for the nightmares.
But i wasnt enough for you. I wasnt enough for you to stay with. I wasnt enough to stop u hurting me and bruising me.
I wish i knew what i was to you. Apart from knowing i wasnt enough.
You cheated our whole relationship i forgave you because i would have put up with anything u threw at me. But u are ashamed of me. I dont blame u im ashamed of myself, i hate me too.
My world came to an end today. My kids need a better life than with me. Due to last night i can barely move again and begged for you to come and help me to the toilet, basic human right. But u said no. You were ment to be here tonight snuggled up.
But it all came to a head when i found out, the thing that hurt me the most. U told me you were in a serious car accident but i couldnt come to see u at the hospital as im ur secret. I cried, i was so worried about, scared you were seriously hurt. This carried on for months. I had panic attacks that day as went hours with no response from you. I thought u were seriously hurt. I found out u made the whole thing up. The nightmares and sleepless nights were for nothing.
Then last night i came to drop ur stuff off. I begged u to come talk to me u wouldnt. When i got there u didnt hesitate to throw me to the floor over and over again. bruising me and causing me unable to walk.
But thats my life. Thats what im bringing to my kids. They deserve so much better than me and life deserves to carry on without me. I am beyond damaged now and need someone to hold me and tell me they will help me thru this. But i have no one. Even after begging u and u finding me hanging from the bed frame unconscious you refused to help me.
so here i am again. worthless, in agony and emotionally destroyed
