Whats done is done

I have been bruised, beaten, used, manipulated, stripped of my dignity, self respect, loosing my house, kids, my heart has been broken again and again.

I feel defeated like life isnt worth anything.

I dont think i have ever had some one love me. I dont remember hugs from my parents, Love from my sisters. I have always been the problem from the time i was born.

The blonde haired blued baby, the misfit in a family of ginger and brown haired, brown eyed people.

Never got included or felt love.

Been beaten by every man i have loved. One even said it was my type. But have always been told i made them that way and caused them to hit me.

You were different though. I thought i had been in love before but when i met u i realised the loved i felt before wasnt real love. Cause what i feel for u is so strong to the point i forgave you over and over i held u when u cried. I gave you my life and everything i had. I did whatever you wanted me to do. I became an escort cause you asked me to telling me you would always be there for the nightmares.

But i wasnt enough for you. I wasnt enough for you to stay with. I wasnt enough to stop u hurting me and bruising me.

I wish i knew what i was to you. Apart from knowing i wasnt enough.

You cheated our whole relationship i forgave you because i would have put up with anything u threw at me. But u are ashamed of me. I dont blame u im ashamed of myself, i hate me too.

My world came to an end today. My kids need a better life than with me. Due to last night i can barely move again and begged for you to come and help me to the toilet, basic human right. But u said no. You were ment to be here tonight snuggled up.

But it all came to a head when i found out, the thing that hurt me the most. U told me you were in a serious car accident but i couldnt come to see u at the hospital as im ur secret. I cried, i was so worried about, scared you were seriously hurt. This carried on for months. I had panic attacks that day as went hours with no response from you. I thought u were seriously hurt. I found out u made the whole thing up. The nightmares and sleepless nights were for nothing.

Then last night i came to drop ur stuff off. I begged u to come talk to me u wouldnt. When i got there u didnt hesitate to throw me to the floor over and over again. bruising me and causing me unable to walk.

But thats my life. Thats what im bringing to my kids. They deserve so much better than me and life deserves to carry on without me. I am beyond damaged now and need someone to hold me and tell me they will help me thru this. But i have no one. Even after begging u and u finding me hanging from the bed frame unconscious you refused to help me.

so here i am again. worthless, in agony and emotionally destroyed

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A day in the life of me

So the court case over my kids is done today.

Its was at 2.45 and was ment to last over an hour. It was over the phone due to covid-19. Just me and the judge from what i could tell. Its was over before i could really understand what happened and lasted the short time of 15 mins.

Nothing was really explained although i did get that i have a full residency order and there dad has no rights to remove them from my care and if he wants to see them he has to do the DAPP course, its a domestic violence one. There grandparents need supervised visits.

Thats sad as there dad wont do the course he didnt even attend court for the case and it was over the phone.

Secondly my 5 year old has come up in red blotches on her skin that are getting bigger. Took her to the doctors who called in 2 other doctors who all think its from a Tic bite resulting in Lymes Disease. They wanted her in the hospital on antibiotics as if not treated it can leave issues for later on in life.

They called the kids section in the hospital and the doctor said dont worry about she doesnt have a temp so dont bring her in. So 3 doctors over 1 said she needs to be in hospital but no we are at home. She has every other symptom but not the temp.

Good news is we got a new house today. Looking forward to move in and starting my cake business again.

Partner wise not sure whats going on he says he is happy but he clearly isnt. He just isnt interested anymore. And im not blameless i have been on edge and really snappy lately but cant even talk to each other. It doesnt feel like a relationship. Feels very one sided. I think of him every second of the day and maybe thats the issue cause i get annoyed when he doesnt think of me too.

He is my world but im just his other half. Doesnt help his kids dont like me. His family have more or less disowned him for being with me.

Feels like this is the beginning of the end and he refuses to admit it. He isnt happy everyone can see that. I cant be strung along until someone better comes along. Too loose him would break my heart but the sad fact is i think i already have.

But he wont admit anything is wrong, he gets defensive when i bring it up, but once again i will wait to get hurt.

Laying in the bath at 3.11am. THANKS endo

It’s 3.11am on a Sunday morning and I’m in the bath trying to ease back pain. Would say back ache but that really doesn’t do it justice.

With my belly very swollen and my back throbbing like I have been hit by a car. I wonder when I will get to sleep.

My partner is in bed with a 12 hour shift ahead of him and I don’t wanna wake him and complain of my pain. He wouldn’t mind of course but I would knowing how tired he will be tomorrow.

I have a bedroom to move round later today. Tried to do some yesterday did half of it before I was out of breath and hurting.

THIS IS MY BAD WEEK (10 DAYS)

But hopefully I will get the prostap injection this week. That helps ease the pain slightly. But will eventually kill my ovaries and I will have no hope of saving any eggs.

The injection itself comes with drawbacks and acts like chemo does. I will loose some hair, be sick and my immune system will all but disappear. Its the price I pay to have less pain.

Things I have found out this week…

Love isn’t dead.

Don’t push away the ones that love u the most.

I have a seizure before I become unconscious.

This week I will learn that doing it alone as a parent is gonna be the hardest and most emotional thing I will ever do. But it will be worth the most.

This week I have kept my kids pics with me and I have missed them so much. But come Monday I will have them in my arms.

Being a parent is about trying ur best no matter what the situation. They may not have everything they want but they will always have whatever they need. Xxx