Whats done is done

I have been bruised, beaten, used, manipulated, stripped of my dignity, self respect, loosing my house, kids, my heart has been broken again and again.

I feel defeated like life isnt worth anything.

I dont think i have ever had some one love me. I dont remember hugs from my parents, Love from my sisters. I have always been the problem from the time i was born.

The blonde haired blued baby, the misfit in a family of ginger and brown haired, brown eyed people.

Never got included or felt love.

Been beaten by every man i have loved. One even said it was my type. But have always been told i made them that way and caused them to hit me.

You were different though. I thought i had been in love before but when i met u i realised the loved i felt before wasnt real love. Cause what i feel for u is so strong to the point i forgave you over and over i held u when u cried. I gave you my life and everything i had. I did whatever you wanted me to do. I became an escort cause you asked me to telling me you would always be there for the nightmares.

But i wasnt enough for you. I wasnt enough for you to stay with. I wasnt enough to stop u hurting me and bruising me.

I wish i knew what i was to you. Apart from knowing i wasnt enough.

You cheated our whole relationship i forgave you because i would have put up with anything u threw at me. But u are ashamed of me. I dont blame u im ashamed of myself, i hate me too.

My world came to an end today. My kids need a better life than with me. Due to last night i can barely move again and begged for you to come and help me to the toilet, basic human right. But u said no. You were ment to be here tonight snuggled up.

But it all came to a head when i found out, the thing that hurt me the most. U told me you were in a serious car accident but i couldnt come to see u at the hospital as im ur secret. I cried, i was so worried about, scared you were seriously hurt. This carried on for months. I had panic attacks that day as went hours with no response from you. I thought u were seriously hurt. I found out u made the whole thing up. The nightmares and sleepless nights were for nothing.

Then last night i came to drop ur stuff off. I begged u to come talk to me u wouldnt. When i got there u didnt hesitate to throw me to the floor over and over again. bruising me and causing me unable to walk.

But thats my life. Thats what im bringing to my kids. They deserve so much better than me and life deserves to carry on without me. I am beyond damaged now and need someone to hold me and tell me they will help me thru this. But i have no one. Even after begging u and u finding me hanging from the bed frame unconscious you refused to help me.

so here i am again. worthless, in agony and emotionally destroyed

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Just another day on my head

So sick of being in my head. Now i am on morphine daily those things i had locked away are now roaming round my head.

I have no idea how to handle them. Im having nightmares again. But cant not sleep as the morphine makes me just fall asleep without warning.

But im just maoning again and no one wants to hear that.

So i have made a tiktok if u wanna follow me. Its basically a story of me on meds. u can see the effects its having.

Username: @socialbutterfly13

On another note i think i lost some endometriosis thru my bowels this morning. The pain was herrendous and im so tired from the ordeal.

Im tired and worn out.

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A day in the life of me

So the court case over my kids is done today.

Its was at 2.45 and was ment to last over an hour. It was over the phone due to covid-19. Just me and the judge from what i could tell. Its was over before i could really understand what happened and lasted the short time of 15 mins.

Nothing was really explained although i did get that i have a full residency order and there dad has no rights to remove them from my care and if he wants to see them he has to do the DAPP course, its a domestic violence one. There grandparents need supervised visits.

Thats sad as there dad wont do the course he didnt even attend court for the case and it was over the phone.

Secondly my 5 year old has come up in red blotches on her skin that are getting bigger. Took her to the doctors who called in 2 other doctors who all think its from a Tic bite resulting in Lymes Disease. They wanted her in the hospital on antibiotics as if not treated it can leave issues for later on in life.

They called the kids section in the hospital and the doctor said dont worry about she doesnt have a temp so dont bring her in. So 3 doctors over 1 said she needs to be in hospital but no we are at home. She has every other symptom but not the temp.

Good news is we got a new house today. Looking forward to move in and starting my cake business again.

Partner wise not sure whats going on he says he is happy but he clearly isnt. He just isnt interested anymore. And im not blameless i have been on edge and really snappy lately but cant even talk to each other. It doesnt feel like a relationship. Feels very one sided. I think of him every second of the day and maybe thats the issue cause i get annoyed when he doesnt think of me too.

He is my world but im just his other half. Doesnt help his kids dont like me. His family have more or less disowned him for being with me.

Feels like this is the beginning of the end and he refuses to admit it. He isnt happy everyone can see that. I cant be strung along until someone better comes along. Too loose him would break my heart but the sad fact is i think i already have.

But he wont admit anything is wrong, he gets defensive when i bring it up, but once again i will wait to get hurt.

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How whales die

So scrolling thru TikTok as i normally do i came accross a gorgeous women who said

Whales dont die of old age they just eventually get so tired they just drown.#

How sad is that. To think u spend your whole life swimming and taking water for granted to just be killed it.

……………………………………………………………………………………….

Maybe thats what we are doing slowly drowning in our own lives and when we die its because our body and minds are just too tired to carry on.

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Nothing to say

Lately i have wanted to write in here so much but i start and then my mind goes blank and i cant find the words to write down. So after starting yet another blog which has ended up in the drafts i have decided just to type whatever comes into my head.

So, been crying a lot lately and been very insecure. My looks, my weight, my relationship, my parenting and my mental health.

At present i have 13 unfinished blogs in my drafts, maybe one day i will post them but for now they are not finished.

Does anyone else hold grudges. I have one i just cant let go of and its starting to get to me. The anger, the upset.

But i have blogged about it before.

I was considering counselling but that would mean speaking about my past which if u have read my other blogs u would know thats not a good idea. So what do i do as i cant seem to let it go.

So here it goes again maybe getting my anger out on here will settle me. So wont go thru its all but basically my partners ex stopped me seeing my mum before she died and then stopped me going to her funeral.

Now i know what u think nothing would stop u in those circumstances, well if u have read my blogs u would know that the day i found out my mum had 2 days to live i was in hospital on ALOT of morphine and was unable to drive the 3 hours to see her myself. She stopped my partner from taking me due to threatening to take his kids from him.

His whole family are on her side and dont even know what she did. Her mum died a few weeks before mine. i sent my partner her ex round with flowers which i brought to give her a hug and made sure he told her he would take the kids as long as she needed. And what did i get, i got phone calls of my partners sisters abusing me and threatening me, and being threatened in the local club.

My partners mum writes posts on facebook about how his ex is such an amazing person and mum. I have been with my partner a year and none of his family want to know me. I thought when i got with him my kids would have more family and instead she wont even visit her real grandkids at our house. I post pics on her sons wall and she wont even like them.

But his ex has them round and gets invited invited to dinners and parties.

I love my partners kids but they have been treated like babies, The youngest turns up with bruises including on his face and cant speak. He is nearly 5. I have taught him to dress himself and put his shoes on. Neither of them knew how to do puzzles i have sat and done them with them. I played a board game with him and its obvious he hasnt played one before.

The oldest is the sweetest boy, but brought him presents for his bday he went to take them home and she stood at the door and refused to let him in with his own pressies. He is 8 imagine how he felt. And now he has learnt how to lie. I tell him no and his natural response is i miss mummy. She has treated them like babies for so long they dont know how to act there age.

But there she is sitting pretty, being praised at every turn she takes. She brought her son cereal for his bday. He got more food for his bday then presents. And yes she has money.

Anyway thats enough from me for the night.

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BPD and the lockdown

So just wondering who out there s dealing with a metal health disorder while on lockdown.

Obviously there is loads but what about a personality disorder. Not to mention going through the menapause at the age of 35.

Im starting to go a little crazy tbh. im stressy, hyper, depressed and sleepy all in the same day. Its like an emotional merry go round. Having 2 kids one 5 and one 7 locked in a house is crazy. We have done painting, stained glass, planets, games, i have spent a fortune.

Last night i had 3 nightmares all included loosing a child. So even though i was upset i got up and tried my best today. took the dog and kids out, cleaned, been dancing round the house, trying.

Lets see how long i can keep up with this positive attitude and fitness. Lets hope i sleep tonight.

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Isnt Life Funny

Good and bad things happen when you least expect it.

But does everything really happen for a reason?

Do you really make your own luck?

And do good things really happen to those who wait?

Personally i dont believe in these

Firstly the whole things happen for a reason. This one does my head in.

“OH you got hit by a bus, must have happened for a reason” Yeah the reason is your a dumbass and stepped into the road or the bus driver cant drive. Either way one of you are a dumbass. It wasnt some godly act to reduce the population by one person.

Although, while we are on that subject i do think the virus’s going round that kill hundreds or thousands could be being used to control the population.

On another note why not just bring back the death penalty and kill rapists and murders. All killing a rapist is to kind. he should be torchered by the person he raped first.

Secondly you make your own luck

No you dont. I know assholes that have won the lottery. Now you tell me how they got there own luck to win the lottery. Thats alot of luck to make. What did they do shovel shit with there tongue to make that much luck.

Thirdly dont make me laugh. The whole good things happen to those who wait.

Urmmmmm is crap cause say something good happens after a week or a year or a month. Of course you are gonna think its about time, i have waited for something good to happen for ages.

Oh and while we are on the subject of bullshit.

YOU FLAT EARTHERS
Can u be anymore deluded. Have you seen the pics from space. You dont make a model of the solar system and use a disk for earth do you? No you use a pingpong ball. WHY? CAUSE THE EARTH IS ROUND.

OH just to add this in PLUTO IS A PLANET AND ALWAYS WILL BE. where else is mickey gonna live.

OOOOOOH the anger (but am i right to be angry?

How does anyone know if there anger is truly justified?

Chest is hearting AGAIN.

Im working hard sending my kids to morning club and after school club to show them you work for what u get. but tbh what do i get in return. Kids i barely get to see, who are tired. Me being ill barely able to stay awake past 7 and a huge strain on my relationship, thats if i even have one anymore.

Major surgery soon which should be a huge worry but with everything thats the thing i am least worried about the most.

People dot see how ill i am. WHY? Cause i dont play on it and im not a wimp. YES so now its classed as my fault cause i dont show it or remind people every 20 minutes. I smile through the pain of a full time job on barely no sleep, and i walk normally when people are watching me but hold my breath the whole time to mask the pain, taking a big breath when they turn away. I make out its me being old.

BUT people close to me should know this, they should know me well enough to see when im struggling. im glad the 50 year old women can work fulltime and then cook a 4 course meal and shop and change the beds. I CANT.

I start work in pain and finish work in pain and thats only half my day done. But i keep going for my kids.

Where does my life go from here. Im loosing my health, my house and my sanity. I dont even know where my relationship is at right now. I dont even know if there is trust anymore. Without trust there is no relationship.

I am not blaming anyone, its me i know it is. All my relationships have gone the same. I fall in love to fast and the guy relaxes leaving me feeling lonely and cold. I give way to much time, money and effort way to fast. I end up laying in bed unable to sleep with a million things running thru my head.

I know i need to change but i dont know how. Where do i start?

All i want is to be taken care of, to be the one in focus for just a little while everyday.

You know what i want is to be considered. I am sick of waiting for a guy to want me. Im sick of being in relationships and waiting for guys to commit. Be with them months or years and have no commitment for them to be in other relationships 5 mins and have moved in or a ring on the womens finger. Why should i wait. what are they waiting for? Why am i not good enough for them to want a future with me or want to take the next step.

SICK OF WAITING. SICK OF NOT BEING CONSIDERED. SICK OF COMMITMENT BEING THE LAST RESORT.

Life is a Tornado in a Hurricane

People say we make our own luck.

Is this true? If it is I made my luck out of a shit storm.

Shit after shit flies at me and i was never good at sports so they all manage to hit.

Is reincarnation real. Am I the human version of the dung beetle. Will i be a princess in the next life in some far away paradise. Just for enduring all this pain and hate.

Be positive they say. (love to see them try)

Smile it wont crack your makeup. Ok firstly im 35 now so need this makeup and secondly you smile with out crying after the week i have had.

OK HERE GOES…

Was taken into hospital in SOOO much pain last Monday by ambulance at my kids school. On gas and air, alot or morphine plus more. To be finally given the Prostap injection. A small dose of chemo meds.

While i was in on Monday I got a text off a neice asking me to call my sister. To find out my mum had about 2 days to live. I broke down and discharged myself.

I found out she was in Yorkshire only 2 hours up the road. I asked for her address a while ago and was lied to and told she lived down south in Sandwich, Kent. This was a deliberate lie. No wonder i never got a christmas card back or a phone call.

I was far to ill to travel but kept in contact. Wednesday was the day we were going to see her. Got my kids sorted and my partner sorted his kids. I would have about 2 hours with mum. Only to have his ex girlfriend cancel all the plans so we had to turn around.

Mum died 4am the next morning. I never made it in time. Never got to hold her hand and say i love u. Give her a kiss on the head and say it was ok to sleep now. I will never see her again.

Come Monday and i am back at work. Meeting after meeting. To be told I only get the day my mum died, a day for the funeral plans and the day of the funeral as compassionate leave. The rest I need to use my holiday and because i never actually saw her I should have come in to work the days before her death.

I was considering seeing my mums body on Thursday but have been told I have to be in work Friday but I wouldnt be able to face it if i see my mum laying there all cold and lifeless.

I was told today that whats happened to me over the last few months cant be true as no one has that much bad luck.

And on top of that i have found out my daughter has been hurt by her own grandma. My son describes it in so much detail its heartbreaking. I should have listened to my gut instinct. So now have police involved with that. From her being dragged round by her arm and screaming, to a very suspicious round burn on her hand and bruises on her back.

If other people cant believe all of whats happened how do i deal with it. I know at some point this is all gonna crash around me and i will just break down. But for now i will fake the smile as best I can for my kids and cry when im alone.

Life and its roundabouts, roadhumps and traffic lights

In the life we live things won’t always go to plan. Even the person who seems to have the perfect life will have troubles hidden away. The key things is how we overcome them.

We can crash and burn or stand tall and fight.

Some we all have the stand tall and fight somewhere inside us. Sometimes it’s just hidden really well.

U need to get through the hurt, anger and depression first.

But how hard do u fight and how long for?

Is it OK to give in sometimes?

Something will kill you or make you stronger, but once again how do u know which one is which?