Tag: life

When is the right time?

When is the right time to ask for help?

I mean mentally. Is it when you first break down? Or the first time you selfharm? The first night u cant sleep? Or the first time you overdose?

How do I convince the doctors I need help?

I know you guys see this depressed side of me, that’s not what others see. They see my bubbly, girlie personality. Everyone thinks I’m fine. When do I get my Oscar?

Can a person get over depression, or is it always there like a dark cloud on a summers day. Is anyone truly happy do you think?

Do fairy tales exist? Even in a fairy tale you have to go thru hell to get the happy ending. Maybe mine is coming and this is the beginning of the end before my castle in a gorgeous village.

Or maybe I missed the happy ending.

I wonder who if anyone will catch me if I fall. Or would they even notice and see thru my fake exterior.

U see on facebook when someone dies. Could be the worst criminal out there but everyone will say how amazing they were and how the whole community loved them.

My own family wouldn’t even turn up to my funeral. Would anyone else?

Are some people ment to wonder thru life alone. Does it make them stronger, or does it just break them down til there is nothing left.

I guess we will find out.

 

If people only knew

Do u ever just wanna scream and shout?

Do u ever get pissed off when people don’t realise ur stressed or down? But u haven’t even told them y.

Just would love someone to take enough interest in me to notice.

Hearing people complain about the same things in life, like a cold coffee or work.

Wish I could scream at them.

But nobody knows cause who wants to be friends with a whiner.

Why are u missed more when ur gone

What is there after death?

Is there a light and a tunnel?

Does God exist? If so why the fuck does he hate me so much.

Found out the other day that the reason ur life flashed before ur eyes when ur moments away from death, is because ur brain is trying to use ur life experiences to get u out the situation.

One day I will find out what’s after this life, if anything.

One day soon maybe.

And the world will carry on. My parents won’t care and my funeral will be bare. Does anyone know what flowers I would want. Or if I wanna buried or cremated.

Would anyone pay for it.

Who cares anymore.

Love from

The girl who tries her best but always fails

IM BACK!!!!

So here I am writing again. Its 2.14am, and I’m due at work I’m under 5 hours.

My nights have been like this a lot lately. I don’t really sleep anymore. I just have this blurry feeling in my head and a faint buzzing.

Is this what insomnia feels like. Or can I just not sleep.

Always a lot going on in my life. I think ‘good luck’ has up and fucked off. Listened to his evil twin ‘bad luck’ and just swapped places.

Last week was hard and my endometriosis kicked my butt. took morphine for the first time at my new job. It was worse then it has been in a while. to the point where my jeans touching the left pelvic area even for a split second in the bathroom made me drop to the floor and hit my head.

But I made it thru the day with just one person noticing.

Is it wrong that I’m getting annoyed at people being fussed around cause they have a headache or something similar. when I’m sitting in agony knowing I should be in the hospital. But that’s my fault as I don’t tell anyone.

I say I don’t want sympathy but a simple are u ok do you need a hug would be nice.

Just to have some one hold me and tell me it will be over soon and the pain will subside. For me to fall asleep in there arms. I miss that. been years since anyone cared about me enough. Even friends are not like that.

I haven’t had anymore suicide attempts although I did self harm. Which I hate myself for, some times its the only way to release the stress, pain and anger I feel inside. Do others have issues coping like I do? Whats wrong with me that I cant cope?

I have seen mental health doctors before but they all say I’m fine. CLEARLY IM NOT.

I was even taken into a mental health unit for 2 weeks. where I was diagnosed with Manic Depression, most commonly know as Bipolar. I was later then rediagnosed with Borderline personality disorder. I was told it cant be bipolar because I don’t run down the street naked.

But I am on no medication and don’t see councillors. I choose not to see them because all they wanna do is talk about my past. Which I have worked so hard to block out. They start me talking then the nightmares start again. I cant deal with that. Right now they are few and far between. But when I start speaking about them they are every night.

I still see random things, like shadows and spiders that are not there. but they said as long as I don’t here voices I am fine.

I have had the heart monitor fitted and see the heart specialist on Friday. And see my pre op doctor on Thursday regarding my endo op.

I’m not sure how I will handle the operation for Endo. It is to take out my ovaries. I’m scared it will send me into a spiral. When I had my womb removed it took over a year to handle it emotionally and I still have moments now where I struggle and cry. To have babies again. I cant even look at the facebook memories of my kids when they were young. its silly and I cant talk to anyone including councillors as I always get the same response. “you have 2 kids already u should be happy, some people cant have kids”

It makes me even more upset, as I have no one to discuss it with.

I barely see my kids atm and I hate it. I have to work so that they can have a good up bringing but I just seem to get on more debt. I get home at about 6 and they go bed around 7. At weekends there nan who hates me for being ill and working. She thinks I cant be as ill as I have said cause she sits on her arse so how can I work. So she has them on the Friday night. I see my kids for about 2 days a week. I hate it but money has to be earnt. I hate that I cant take them places.

The guilt I feel is unbelievable. hope they know I love them.

These are the times I resent people who can just ask mummy and daddy for help. I have no cooker atm but have no money to get one. I’m even selling naked pics of me online cause we need money so bad. But I don’t have family. I have no one to talk to and fall back on for support. Its just me dealing with all this.

I was told by some one at work I’m the most positive person there. I’m not I can just fake it. They don’t know I’m dying inside and holding back tears.

Will things ever change. I don’t think I’m a bad person, I work hard and try my best. I try to be nice to everyone. So when do I get a break.

 

Heart pounding, head broken.

It’s that time again where if I don’t write it down I will burst nd do something silly.

Really how much stress can a heart take? My heart monitor loop recorder thing is fitted. It’s in my left boob. I’m a 34gg which mean I bounce no matter how secure the bra is. Therefore the implant hasn’t settled and keeps moving.

I can no longer lay on my front and bras hurt. See the heart doctor in the next two weeks and see my surgeon for a pre op for my endo the same week.

The things at home are the same. The ex won’t leave I’m so stressed. He promises me he will change and help more but nothing ever changes. He will never leave. The police won’t remove him as he is on the tenancy. I need to be happy.

Every day is just stress from start to finish. Arguments before I go work, arguments all day and the same when I come home. I sleep about 4 hours a night.

I collapse and got left for 45 mins on the floor. He said he heard a bang. I have a heart issue I could have died. Everyday I fight the urge to take meds to numb it all out.

His m tricked me into opening up to her saying I can trust her and have some one to talk to. About 10 mins later she is on the phone to my ex telling him everything.

 

I truly am alone in this world. I must have murdered thousands of children in my past life to get this punishment.

 

I love my kids but I do believe they would be happier without me. I have to work as there dad doesn’t they barely get to see me and when they do I’m either fighting back tears, to ill to function or extremely stressed.

But it is funny how I can go into work and no one knows. They all think I’m the cheery one.

Little do they know I’m barely making thru life.

 

 

 

Endometriosis and the Medical Profesionals

I think I spelt the title wrong.

But maybe I can be forgiven after the last few days.

I went to Wales last weekend as our first family holiday. Was so nice and gorgeous there. We went for my daughters 4th birthday.

Then on Monday after working for half a day I went to see Lukas Graham in concert. His voice is amazing live.

The reason I am writing today and may ramble a little as on a lot of Morphine right now is because since Sunday I have been in agony. It has got to the point I am unable to walk properly, need help to the toilet and cant do anything for myself.

Now my work don’t know how ill I am. So yesterday instead of my usual suit trousers I wear to work I figured I could get away with black jeans. This did not go down well and was given a warning. How do I explain to my two male bosses that when I get on pain my tummy swells to the size of a 6 month pregnant women and my suit trousers will rip. Today I have had to buy a size 16 pair of trousers which is 2 sizes bigger then what I am and a belt.

Today the pain got horrendous and I dialled the 111 service as after 83 calls to the doctor I could not get an appointment.

The paramedic that I spoke to on the phone was great he knew what endo was he understood about it all. He called an ambulance. This is where it all turnt bad. After a 50 min wait 3 paramedics turnt up. Now one of them was great he knew exactly what endo was to the point he was asking questions the specialist does. The other two where not so nice here is a few things that were said to me.

  • if you have the meds why call us.
  • doctors can deal with this
  • your blood pressure and pulse are fine
  • why do I not just go to bed
  • if you collapse don’t call us back here.

Well heres my argument. My meds are not working I don’t call them for the fun of it. Doctors wont deal with the pain when its this bad as they can prescribe anymore then I already have. My blood pressure is naturally low to the point when I do go to hospital they wake me up in the night to walk around to raise it. My pulse is naturally sat around 51. which is really low. when they checked me my blood pressure was 128/91. Which for most people is normal but not for me. The pulse rate was 89 now considering its usually 51 that’s really high for me to. Next I have tried being in bed, ive tried a bath, ive tried sitting standing, falling and laying its not helping and im unable to sleep. The next one really annoyed me. So if I collapse no one can call an ambulance for me.

So right now I am sat downstairs dreading the next tine I need to go loo, on the most amount of meds I can take still in agony.

I would not wish this illness on anyone. The NHS need to study about Endometriosis its a common illness.

Nothing has changed

Last week about this time I tried to kill myself. Its like it never happened. The people who do know I’m kot sure they care. Was even called selfish by one of them.

I’m guessing as there are so many that do things like this for attention society don’t see when it was real.

I have no idea how I survived, I research what I needed to take and even took extra on top. But I’m here.

 

People will say its for a reason. I don’t believe in the high power and stuff. Ur here cause u were born nothing else.

Life will plod along. With half my mind on the real word and half in a thunder cloud.

Suicide

I seem to be all doom and gloom lately.

It got to the point I couldn’t cope. Thinking going out with a gf would help.

It didn’t and last night I tried to kill myself

I did research and took the amount of meds it said would kill me. So why am I still here

I don’t believe in the  ‘I’m alive for a reason’.

I wrote my note I settled in bed. Put some music on and layed down. And I felt so warm and relaxed. It was the best I had felt in ages. I finally fell asleep.

But I was woken up by my ex (we live together as I’m disabled)

He has acted like nothing has happened. Helped me in a bath and to the toilet while I’m bringing sick. But won’t talk about last night or why I did it.

So here’s why

I’m just so alone. I can say I only really have 2 good friends and they live miles away.

I have to go work tomorrow and I know I will come home in agony.

Everyday is a pain day now.

I go to bed at 7 every night so my ex can game online.

So I sit in my room doing nothing

I know I will be called selfish as I have kids, but all they see is mummy in pain and in the hospital constantly.

Life has just got to hard. I have no mum or dad. My 5 sisters don’t wanna know me. Who do I run to to talk.