Depression

I understand why people kill themselves

No its not selfish. I hate it when people say that. Most of the time it’s due to loneliness.

U can have a million people around but feel like the only person in the world.

The reason I am writing this.

I’m sick of being alone. And always the one in the wrong.

I have had 11 operations and done them all alone,

I have no family as the disowned me. At the age of 14. No I wasn’t a bad child I just wasn’t my dad’s child so always the outsider. I got blamed for everything. From bending a book (I got a slap round my face for that) – to getting blamed when I was sexually assaulted.

I have had 6 miscarriages.

No friends that actually care. Not exaggerating. No one visits me at hospital when I mention anything or disagree with them I get told I to self obsessed.

I have endometriosis, fibro, heart issues and am I pain daily.

I have lost job after job due to collapsing.

I get ridiculed when I don’t stick to plans cause I’m in agony.

I get told I’m faking my illnesses. Cause obviously surgeons love wasting there time and operating.

I’m in a rediculous amount of debt.

So I ask again why do I bother.

My debts are thru the roof.

I use to self harm but that’s not enough anymore. I go to the doctors and I told im coping fine.

No family, no friends, no partner, no support.

Why bother

Do u every wonder why u even try sometimes.

Was in a a good mood today. Got the news my surgery is going ahead will be a big one. My ovaries are coming out, my bowel and bladder are being reconstructed and scar tissue and endo being removed.

But nopw I come home to stream to earn money a barely have 2 pennies to run together. I was one of the 4 girls that opened the site nd also the only one remaining.

Every time I stream I get other streamers or there friends promoting themselves in my stream. I get trolls sent to my stream. The attitude from there so caped mods are a joke. And the they say the reason I clash with them is cause I’m English.

Proves racism is both ways.

I have stepped up my game. Put myself in pain. There augment system is a joke. Ur lucky if u get ur money.

CHATURBATE HERE I COME

Loss

Loosing anyone in life is hard and something u never really get over.

Mine isn’t a person I have lost. I don’t have any family in my life. Mine is I have had 3 miscarriages and have lost the ability to have more kids and 3 cats in 3 months.

I sit here at night in a room alone when everyone else is asleep and think of how my oldest would have been 18 now. I did have 2 babies and the are 6 and 3. So gorgeous.

But it’s doesn’t stop the hurting that now I had to have a hysterectomy in 2017 I will never be a mummy again. But called selfish as others can’t have one. I cherish everyday with them. But walking down the baby Isle or each birthday they have I get sad. No matter how hard I try not to.

It’s gonna sound silly but my cat had kittens and one in particular followed me around, slept with me and was always there. It was like having a baby again. But she had been promised to another family. I cried when she left and I don’t get emotional over animals normally.

Over Christmas I lost to more cats, one a kitten that died with me holding him. I was cuddling him when hi took his last breath. I’m sitting her crying. I’m so emotional. Then we got a knock from the neighbour to say there is a injured cat outside. And yes it was my baby gothem he was the runt of the litter and wasn’t breathing when he was born. I brought him back. He got run over. I rushed him to the vets and but they had to put him down in my arms. The vet hugged me. And now my cat Blaze is missing looked everywhere so worried about him.

Loss isn’t just loosing a family member or friend its a feeling. A horrible feeling that creeps up on u when ur alone and laying in bed.

The Truth about Endometriosis

I was diagnosed in 2006 at the age of 22. But the pain started years before.

This is going to go in depth so if you are squeamish this might not be the blog for you.

It all started at 14 when I got my period. The pain was horrendous and the bleeding was scary. I bleed for 11 days and went through 3 backs of pads. I was worried and scared but was told it was normal.

The periods carried on this way to the extent I was in a lesson and waited til everyone had left because I had bleed through onto the seat enough to make a puddle. But once again I was told this was normal.

I was a shy girl and did not know how to talk about things and even though I had 5 sisters was not close to any of them, so didn’t discuss anything with them. I was a lonely child.

At 16 I got pregnant and lost my baby at 4 months. It was devastating but was told it happens to everyone. Since then I have misscarragied 5 more babies due to endometriosis. They were all bad and scary.

Although one stands out. I got cramps and it wasn’t endo didn’t think nothing of it and didn’t know I was pregnant at the time. Then the bleeding started but this time it was different. I had misscarriaged before so I kinda knew. I went to the doctors and they confirmed the miscarriage although I had not passed all the tissue so was give a pill to help me pass the rest. The second pill i had to take at the hospital. It was heart breaking.

I arrived at the hospital and was taken to the maternity ward and put in a side room. I could hear women in labour and babies crying. The pain got worse and worse and I was alone. I passed the baby and the nurse asked me if I wanted to look. Who asks that question I was not far gone so my baby was more blood then anything else. I told her something didn’t feel right. But 10 mins after I miscarried she sent me home. I walked home alone that night. It was around 10 at night.

I was going to a car show and felt fine just slight back ache. Whilst there the craps started again, I managed to hide it and on the way home I asked the friend drive to take it easy as pain was bad. he was a dick and thought it was funny to go the route with all the speed bumps. By the time I got back to my area I asked him to drop me off at the hospital. I was in agony but no one came with me. I told the receptionist what was happening, by this time I was bleeding all down my legs and informed them this and told to just sit down. I called a friend to bring me pads and I was changing all the time. The waiting room was packed and there was blood all over me. I finally got taken in and was told until they confirm I was actually miscarriaging they would not give me pain meds. I was made to walk to the toilets every time I felt I was bleeding or passing my baby. They even brought in gas and air for me as soon as it was confirmed. The pain stopped after I passed large tissue. I had a scan to reveal that it still wasn’t over. A week later they called me in for a DNC.

Although all miscarriages are bad that’s the one that haunts me the most.

There are so many lies about endometriosis. I fell for one of them. The one that says a hysterectomy cures Endo. I had a total hysterectomy 2 years ago yesterday and its been my biggest regret. I have 2 gorgeous babies and would not change them for the world. But having the choice taken away to have more is devastating.

I have had 11 operations due to endometriosis.

When I had my first operation to diagnose me my partner at the time did not believe me and told me if they find nothing he is leaving me.

Everything is worse now. Sex is painful, shitting is painful, I swell up 2 dress sizes in minutes, I cant exercise much, lost multiple jobs, have more operations coming. The pain is unbearable some days to the point I throw up and pass out.

The part that is the worse is that people don’t believe you. They don’t understand that you are in agony but have to carry on your day anyway. I have had people not believe I have had operations cause I bounce back fast. What they don’t understand is the pain from the operations including the hysterectomy is nothing compared to endometriosis pain.

I have had doctors say I go to hospital to get meds. I go to hospital when its got to the point that the morphine I have at home is not working anymore and im in so much pain I cant cope. I have had ambulances refuse to take me to hospital because its an on going condition I should know the signs.

That’s a picture of my belly swollen leaving me in pain and unable to move much.

Endometriosis is a terrible disease and barely anyone knows about it

Happy New Year

So it really does seem all I do is moan.

So I went out like many others tonight. And feel like I was set up to fail.

I have been in a depressive state lately. lost half a stone in weight, no energy, crying all the time. And no one has really noticed. Not even the girls who I call my best friends. well I think they are. I at first said no to going out as was gonna curl up in bed. All the signs were there that I was down. Even tried saying stuff. but they didn’t encourage me to come out.

The other way round I would have made sure they came to the extent I would have gone to there house and got them dressed. But nope none of that. Eventually I got a message asking me to come. So I decided I was gonna have fun.

I turn up and was given a BS story about how they were trying to trick me in to coming and knew I would turn up all along. This is how I know it was a lie…

The taxi they booked at the end of the night was only to go to there houses.

They had co-ordinated there outfits

So I turn up in sparkly trainers, jeans and a low cut top. There are glammed up in gorgeous dresses, high heel and loads of glitter. I looked like the fat, gay friend that tagged along.

The club was rammed, it looked like Nappy night. The girls got far to drunk and one fell asleep on a toilet.

I am always told that when I collapse when Im out its cause I have drunk to much (actually might be epilepsy). But tonight I had a lot more then them and im sober they couldn’t even walk.

Found out also that when I was rushed to hospital last week, instead of coming straight to see me they went MacDonald’s first. WHO does that.

Starting to think I don’t have any true friends.

The views I have that get me into trouble

Maybe im just an old fashioned girl, maybe we are all right or maybe i am just plain wrong.

I have these views and opinions that I can seem to tell people about without getting evil looks or criticized.

So brace yourselves, here goes nothing……

BENEFITS

The world has changed and this we all agree on but I also think people have got lazier. Where has the generation of workers gone. Seems like every other person is on benefits. Now this might make me more angry then most through personal reason. All I have tried to do is work and work and work. But when I work I get more ill (endometriosis) it will be my 12th operation this year. But I still stand by the fact that a lot of people think its ok to sit at home and do nothing. You should work for what you want not get handed it.

But that brings me onto another point, where have the morals gone. Women and teenagers getting pregnant to get houses off the council. A women was on Facebook the other day asking which council site was best to bid on houses.

THE FIRST COMMENT….. “If you get your mum to say your over crowded you will get a house straight away”

And no matter how much she told them she is not overcrowded they told her to lie. There are homeless people out there that need the housed not some one that has a roof over there heads.

GENDER

Here is a biggy atm. This seems to be a sore subject atm. I believe you can be whatever you want to be. But surely you are one of these…

FEMALE

MALE

MALE WANTING TO BE A FEMALE

FEMALE WANTING TO BE A MALE

I believe you can be born in the wrong body. I do not understand non-binary. How can you not be either unless you were born with both a virgina and a penis. A post I have seen lately a person claiming to be non-binary having a natural birth at home and breast feeding. You cant state you non-binary and then use everything being a women gave you. Therefore you are a women.

KIDS

So yet another biggy here. Well this will annoy a lot of people but why shouldn’t I get an opinion too. Its frustrating when every child that is naughty no matter how small is told they have ADD or ADHD. Im not saying it doesn’t exist. What I am saying is not every kid has it. I believe in slapping your child to discipline them. No im talking a tap on the bum or hand. but kids get labelled. Its getting the same with anxiety. People claiming they cant work cause they have anxiety.

Once again a personal anger towards this and I know not everyone is the same. I have had major issues in life couldn’t walk in shops or even on a bus. But I learnt to change.

OK.. So that’s my rant and opinions. Would love any comments good or bad. Maybe I can learn maybe I have changed your opinion.

All I am saying is we cant sail through life we work for what we have, don’t make excuses and be you.