Not coping

I’m not coping atm.

All those walls I built up are breaking down. All the memories bad and good are coming back.

I had a dream my mum was still alive and was a joke. But she isn’t and I didn’t get to see her.

I’m on alot of pain meds like morphine. Mum is gone, Barbara is dying and Cathy is gone.

My mind won’t process it. I have so many questions.

Was mum with anyone?

Did she know it was the end?

Was she scared?

I don’t want her to be scared.

Did it hurt her?

Was she awake when it happened?

Did she know I love her?

I don’t remember the last time I told her. Now I never can.

I hope there is something after death and she knows  I’m sorry.

What now though. What happens? How do I organise things?

My head isnt working properly. I cry all the time or pass out asleep. I don’t wanna be alone.

Called doctors for help but worried they will admit me in to a unit.

I just wanna walk off a bridge and join mum. I can’t do this. I can’t be here. It all hurts to much.

I don’t wanna loose Barbara. She helped me thru so much. She took me horse riding and cooked amazing curries. She always was there for me. And took me in. She was always on my side.

I dunno how to cope. It’s all to much.