i begged so many people to not leave me alone. not let me be by myself. im alone. all alone

i cant be alone. kaylie was ill today and had to go home and didnt have one person i could ask to come to the rock show with me. im 39 and didnt have one person not one.

accounts deactivated, phone off. films on. my head going a million miles an hour.

being a nice person gets u used and alone. cause at the end of the day no one is here for u. not one person.

my kids will end up the same if they stay with me. they dont deserve that. they did nothing wrong to deserve me.

today is a broken day, today is a numb day, today is the day im not strong, today is the it hit home no one cares………….

nope no one

not one person

today

Its the little things that add up. One thing after another, im loosing my house, the kids will be taken soon, all alone

today is a bd day

the bad days are the days u feel numb cause the cuts get deeper. life gets harder. the world goes dark

thats today

Ahhhhh

I think I’m doing so well and then the burning starts and I’m shaking feel sick and on the edge.

I don’t know what’s going on. I can be in the best mood and it happens all of a sudden. I don’t wanna wake anyone up. But shaking and don’t know what to do

I came here hoping it would help. My head just thinks of one solution. My heart pounds and I have burn everywhere

I don’t feel depressed. I feel weak. I don’t wanna be alone I’m scared to be alone

I’m scared to be alone. Never been scared before. I’m not 12st 1 lost 3 stone in 3 months.

For the first time in my life I feel like something is out of my control. I feel I have no control it’s just something I know will happen. It’s hard to explain even if I don’t want it to something is telling me it will. I’m trying so hard to distract myself. I trying to work hard. And it just hits m

Really don’t wanna be alone

oh shit i think im in trouble

so anyone that reads my blog u will know i have trouble with suicide and self harm

Tonight is different

I dont particulary feel depressed but something isnt right, its hard to explain. i think i have something wrong with me schizophrenia maybe, there is something worng.

I have been down all day fighting thoughts but i dont know i took the kids out today had a great day and now have the very very overwhelming thought that i can go now. like my mind is at peice. I had a god day with them. something they can remember. i was fine and its just hit me like a truck. my mind is saying it fine to leave now. i can go. i did my job.

but lately i cant control my thoughts or actions. my arm is cut to ribbons and my mind has been manic but now its calm. my mind and body is saying its ok now its time.

now im scared

im alone

i cant ask anyone to help as did that and lost everyone

crap

Going thru the steps

Having a mental health day today. Having a downer. How the doctors can say i dont have bipolar is beyond me. They have litterally said people with bipolar run down the street naked when on a high. Im sure they dont all do that. So i have been labeled with EUPD not entirley sure what that means. So im trying not to do something stupid.

Im finding it hard feeling so unloved. No family, No friends, Not worthy enough to be stay faithful too and not a great mum. I try to speak to the doctors or my ex and all i get is the same. U are loved, u do have friends, its all going to be fine. Anyone that has felt like this knows that doesnt help at all. Just makes u not want to speak about it cause no one gets it.

I have been doctors they just say its circumstancial depression and wont help. I wont take tablets as they make its worse for a few weeks and me worse is not a good idea. I feel like i need to be back in a mental home for a little while. but i have full custody and must carry on. I have phone smaratans but they didnt answer, i called the crisis team they said i was calling the wrong number and hung up. And they wonder why suicide rates are on the rise. So i have steps to take to help me.

Step one:

Watch a series i really wanna watch. Im watching shameless US and working

Step two:

Throw myself into work. Thats all i have been doing.

Step three:

Clean on tiktok, But my large account has been banned and just depressing to see my little following. i need the conversation flowing. I bounce of people.

Step four:

Not a great one i know but cutting by this point im to far gone dont even realise what im doing. I kinda just happens. Its like being in a daze my mind clears, tears run down my face but in a trance.

Step five:

The bad bad step

So right now im on step 1

maybe if i open up the nightmares will stop

So this will be a long one and will go back and forth may be hard to read.

TRIGGER WARNING FOR SEXUAL ASSAULT, VIOLENCE AND CHILD NEGLECT

So let me take u back to when i was child, I loved my childhood may not have been traditional but i loved it. I had friends, i had a loving mother and father, lived in a cul de sack. I loved that house and always wanted to buy it when i grew up and still would to this day. My sisters and i each had a tree in the garden mine was a apple tree hanging over the pond. It was a corner house so had a massive garden. Still remember sneaking over the back fence to go see my childhood friend. Sure things were a little different. My parents would take my sisters on holiday i would be sent to my cousins. They would go shopping and i remember from a very young sitting at my bedroom window watching them drive off crying my eyes out. But for the most of it i loved life.

My sisters shared a room and always hung out together but i didnt care cause that ment i got my own room to make my own and have space. We were in St Johns Ambulance Club and i remember being in tears cause my sisters had told everyone i was adopted. I didnt look like them with my blonde hair, blue eyes and skinny figure. My sister were dark brown hair and ginger with more of a stocky figure.

I went to several schools when i was young the first one i left as my older sister was being bullied and my mum wanted us to be in the same school so when she moved school i did. Then the next move was from primary to middle school. Then once again my sisters were being bullied and i was moved school to be with them again. i didnt mind I made friends easily back then. Always had people around me.

But life change one night… I was 9

Ok im going to have to do this in parts my heart is racing, starting to go into a panic attack. Never told anyone everything before and last time i wrote it down in a diary my ex read it and constantly accused me of loving being raped by my dad. Calling me daddies girl everytime we argued. So when im strong i will continue. But for now i will calm myself as if u have read previous posts u know i tend to do rash things xxxx

Hard times

Why is it so hard to get support for mental health. doctors wont help they say its circumstantial. I have lost my only anchor. my “friends” that i have explained how close i am and attempted suicide a few months ago are no where to be seen. If anything they have spoken to me less.

struggling so much with no support. i go to AnE they will admit me and i will loose my kids.

No clue what im going to do. I dont want to speak to anyone over the phone i want a text or chat service. I speak to someone over the phone i will loose it and not be ok