Thank you for the best four years of my life…….

This is going to be the last blog i write, for the past 4 years i have known things were not perfect but i was in love. The kind of love you feel once in your life time. The kind of love that you get butterflies from whenever you see them and u feel sick when not round them.

I missed you when you slept. I laughed when you laughed. Smiled just because your smile is infectious. I cried when you cried and sat with you when you couldnt sleep.

Even through all this i knew your were not mine, i knew you were speaking to over girls, i kept it hidden. You said i worked to much, or was too clingy. I couldnt win. Then one day after a 3 day shift you ended it and my world shattered. I couldnt breathe and felt helpless. You couldnt give me a reason and from that day you changed. Everything about you changed, your face, the way you looked at me. The tone in your voice.

Everyday it seemed like you hated me more and more, but for what. Tonight you changed my Facebook password. Seems really silly, thats my memories. I have a bad memory and you know that so to take the only personal thing i have was not ok. Thats the contact to my kids.

You destroyed me in more ways then you will no. I didnt cheat, i didnt hit you, I worked, built you up and waited for you to come home.

But Ur happy now and I’m pleased for u. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong, sorry I worked to hard and sorry I wasn’t enough

I will always love u no and forever.

But now I need to say bye. Forgive me

SORRY I WASNT ENOUGH

Goodnight

It’s a weird feeling when u just make a decision.

The decision of all decisions. U get to a point when things are to much. When life isn’t enough.

When u realise u really have never been truly loved

U never have been secure. Not really.

When u care just a little to much

Breaking is kinda peaceful, hurtfull ,deverstating thing that gives u inner peace.

Well I guess I will see u around

Struggling

Heres a little back story. I have Endometriosis and the horrible disease has taken 6 babies from me before they were born. i always wanted a big family as although i had 6 sisters and 1 brother i was always alone as a kid and didnt want my children to be the same.

It hard being lonely and even as a adult i constantly feel alone.

I met my partner who has 2 kids of his own 2 boys the same ages as mine. I was so happy i couldnt have anymore but i would treat them like my own. I knew they were not mine biologically and i get that but while they stayed with us they would be treated the same. Although i was always careful about telling them off and always got permission from there dad first. Its just something i did incase it ever came back to bite me

GUESS WHAT …… IT DID

my partners ex never liked me she always thought i was taking the kids dad away from them. I will point out i refused to get with him until i knew it was over between them. I welcomed his kids and yes im not saying there wasnt difficult times but they way they were treated in our house was different to them at home.

I wont use there real names but P is the eldest and last time i saw him he was 8 and D was 5 the last time i saw him.

They both still slept with there mum at night which made it difficult here as they didnt do that with us, also they were treated like babies. To the extent they wouldnt eat beans or peas without a spoons. D didnt know how to wipe his bum and couldnt walk down stairs. P was treated like he has extreme autism and would never amount to anything.

He is the cleverest boy i have ever met and he knew it. He was cheeky and we had our falling outs but once again i left it to his dad to tell him off. He was begining to settle but everytime he went back to his mums he would go backwards again. H constantly had a cough on and off which i was asking if he could get checked but always told it cronic croup so nothing was done. But if i even suggested that he should be tested for asthma his mum would kick off.

D just wouldnt speak. but i got to teach him his first a-g of the alphabet and to walk down the stairs he was so proud.

But we were stopped from see them due to me being accused of hitting both of them repeated over the head.

No may i ask if my kids came back and told me this had happened nothing and i mean nothing on this word would stop me hitting the person being accused. The kids were stopped coming round. My partner filed for custody rights and the courts beleived the mum with no proof. I have had all the checks done, social services, my kids school the lot and they all have stated i wouldnt hit the kids.

We received the school photos today and its heart breaking how p looks. he is half the boy he use to be. For his mum to make him lie in court like that about some one and then stop him seeing his dad for over a year has clearly damaged this little boy.

Yes we didnt always get on but i would never hit him. Not sure how to make u understand what he is like. This boy cant lie to save his life. He tries but fails bless him. I am not saying he doesnt have issues but i do not think he has severe autism. i really do beleive his mum is mentally ill and is doing it for attention. i have called social services and not not only does P have ticks but D does to and when they left us they were both happy kids. My partner and i got engaged and that when everything changed. How can u get ur kids to lie like that. The poor boy looks traumatised in his picture.

There is nothing i can do about it though. The courts wouldnt even let my partner speak at the hearing. She dominated the conversation. and this isnt me just siding with my partner. D came round with bruises on his face for weeks and finally there dad mentioned it and what do u know he didnt show up with any after that.

The courts wont listen and neither will social services.

Was my mistake cutting in the first place or not cutting deep enough?

Although i know that my partner will leave me soon he is the reason im here, most days he doesnt want me. starting to think he only wants me when we go out and drink.

Cant blame him. my mental health. i do porn. most days i can barely walk on so much morphine most people would be in a permanent state of sleep and my kids are playing up so bad. His kids hate me enough to lie in court about me that my partner hasnt seen them in over a year.

all i want is to feel loved. hugs and kisses isnt much to ask for is but everyone gets bored of me. no family, no friends and i have pushed my partner away. pretty sure he is just here cause of the dogs.

i dont remember the last day i had no pain. even the little pain im in is what use to b my extreme pain. my extreme pain now is pain i never thought i could bare. everyone is so use to me being in pain now it means nothing, but its not nothing it hurts

Things are starting to get bad again

I went so long able to control my feelings, keep my stress down and stay kinda calm.

But……

The kids dad kicks of for almost 48 hours in total. Calling me every name under the sun. Reminding me I’m all alone in this world. That eventually everyone leaves me. The fact I do adult work to provide for my kids.

The decision has been made that the kids wint see there dad anymore. He is back how he was. Threatening behaviour and I can’t trust him not to hurt the kids again.

Telling the kids has been hard. With this, my health, work and a relationship. I’m not coping. Won’t sleep tonight.

Kids are being naughty. Work is hard and I’m pushing my partner away. Not that he would notice. He is already on his way out. I know the signs.

Definition of lonely

Sitting here on a Saturday night with no one to text, call or go see. I Don have a lot of people that follow me on social media. But actual friends I can’t name any.

I have the people I went to school with over 3 hours away. I have people at work and I have the girls who claim to be friends but meet up behind my back.

People online think I’m so confident and lead a great life. I’m sat on a sofa watching mamma Mia alone.

Telhe one friend I thought I did have got a boyfriend and haven’t seen her since. Obviously replacable

Back to where I started

Once again I’m in bed alone. How hard is it to be honest. Not hide things from me, or delay telling me.

Laying here with cuts on both legs, trying to work 3 jobs. While under souch hate and stress

Laying here wondering why I bother loving someone who clearly doesn’t care anymore, wondering why I go to work in pain and come home in pain.

Having the ex kick off and my fiance kick off

Why can’ten accept when they are wrong. Instead it’s broken promises.

I’m a bitch and people still take advantage of me. I’m someone u can wrong,but as long as I love u I will always come back to u.

So I lay awake at night thinking how I can be better for the person who betrays me

what would u change

Today i watched a film about a fantasy island where u can change something in ur past. This started a discussion. wou;d i change being ill, would i change my childhood, my past relationships. the answer is no

i would have never had my womb out. All the miscarraiges and pain would be worth having my kids.

That probably sounds selfish.

Its been 4 years and i still cant walk down the baby isle or see my friends babies when they are first born

I avoid my neighbour when she is outside and has her youngest there.

Will i ever get over it