I cant find a number or a chatline to speak to so im going back to writing on here. Christma sis tough not being able to go out and clear my head beacuse if i go out in the cold i will be way to ill after.

The doctors have given me sleeping meds to help as i get about 3 hours sleep a night. So many things go round in my head. Im still trying to earn online and make some money for the kids as its just me, my partner and them.

the court case fucked up. Went from the judge telling that my ex and his family can only see them under supervision, And the ex would have to do a domestic violence course. To them all getting full access with nothing.

Im scared and angry. All i can do is take it back to court. Cafcass and the courts think the clerk who wrote it madea mistake but doesnt matter i have to take it to court to change it.

My doctors have told me i cant be there anymore as out the area and my doctors dont beleive in endometriosis so have given me anti depressants and sleeping pills instead.

I have been waiting nearly a year for councilling but not got that yet either. Lfe is getting harder and i am becoming a burden to all those around.

People on my TikTok are saying how positive i always am lol they dont know the real me

So i woke up from crying in my sleep again. Not the first time this has happened. Some times I block so much out in the day it all comes to a head when I’m asleep.

I had a psych review the other day and alot was spoken about just it’s timeto face it and get my head sorted out.

Tonight was the first time in a long time that i self harmed.

I cant cope the pain is so bad the hospital are saying its in my head and im on morphine daily now.

i can keep arrangements with what friends i have. the friends i have have no clue how bad it is cause even when i explain they really dont care.

i sleep most of the time due to the morphine my sight is blurring all the time once again due to morphine.

im passing out on a daily basis.

still working online selling pics and vids as it impossible for me to work a normal job.

i have just had enough.

i shit blood today, i felt like i was having another baby. the pain nearly made me pass out.

so i had enough i took a razor and cut myslef.

Yesterday was a hard day. I woke barely able to move and ended up not making my dentist appointment and heading to AnE.

After waiting in AnE a young doctor saw me and did alot of stretches and pushing into my hip that hurt. He then told me after looking at my notes that the pain i was in was due to depression, not real pain. I was also told that due to having chronic pain even a pin prick will feel like i have been stabbed.

I have Fibromyalgia. I was angry because he dismissed my pain and i have passed out about 12 times now due to the pain and cant go to the hospital at all. suffering at home on morphine is horrible

Today is hard very hard

Its one year since my mum died. One year ago i didnt/couldnt get to say goodbye. One year when i felt alone. One year when i had the last oppertunity to see her.

Its true when someone dies u think about all the good memories. We didnt have many but i barely remember the bad.

There is no grave or hole in the wall to lay flowers at. I have no money to do it myself. I wanted to plant a rose bush for her with a plack but its expensive.

My partners kids are here and its a reminder of the reason i couldnt see my mum. It wasnt them it was there mum and my partner. But they are a reminder.

This week is hard but each year will get easier. And with my memory issues each year i will forget a little more.

So day by day i will forget about my mum with nothing to remind me of her nothing to refresh those memories i will loose.

Well what a shitty fucking day

So i have been alone alot lately and decided to see who actual friends are. So i hide my birthday on Facebook so no one would get a notification it was my birthday.

Well guess what not one person remember, no family, no friends. i went out yesterday and brought my own cards from my partner and kids. Knowing full well they didnt remember either.

How little must i mean to people for them to forget my birthday. some people but not everyone.

I have been with my partner a year in that time i have remember his and his kids bdays and spoilt them. He forgot our anniversary and also my bday.

How do u forget ur partners birthday after a year. One YEAR

Now instead of a nice day he and the kids have been bickering allllllll day long. Kids have been acting up to the extreme and he hasnt helped.

Just another year closer to death with no one to morn me when i go

So today has been a hard day. not only did i wake up feeling ill and weak, i have been packing as we are moving on Friday. This means going thru all those boxes i have been avoiding.

Baby pics, pregnancy book and soo on.

Will i ever go over the fact i cant have more kids or will it always affect me.