What is wrong with me

Why is my head so fucked up. Why am I getting suicidal thoughts again.

To the point I am dreaming of doing it.

Everything from crashing my car to slitting my throat. Why is my head so fucked. Just got a new job with more money and a better title. Git Christmas kinda sorted. Have so many friends now.

But what’s wrong with me.

Sounds silly but I know I will do it one day. Its always there in the back of my mind. Always niggling away.

I don’t know why. Think there would b one wrson who would be bother if I die. No one else would care.

And I know ur reading this Gareth. Don’t use this against me like u normally do

Not coping

I’m not coping atm.

All those walls I built up are breaking down. All the memories bad and good are coming back.

I had a dream my mum was still alive and was a joke. But she isn’t and I didn’t get to see her.

I’m on alot of pain meds like morphine. Mum is gone, Barbara is dying and Cathy is gone.

My mind won’t process it. I have so many questions.

Was mum with anyone?

Did she know it was the end?

Was she scared?

I don’t want her to be scared.

Did it hurt her?

Was she awake when it happened?

Did she know I love her?

I don’t remember the last time I told her. Now I never can.

I hope there is something after death and she knows I’m sorry.

What now though. What happens? How do I organise things?

My head isnt working properly. I cry all the time or pass out asleep. I don’t wanna be alone.

Called doctors for help but worried they will admit me in to a unit.

I just wanna walk off a bridge and join mum. I can’t do this. I can’t be here. It all hurts to much.

I don’t wanna loose Barbara. She helped me thru so much. She took me horse riding and cooked amazing curries. She always was there for me. And took me in. She was always on my side.

I dunno how to cope. It’s all to much.

Mum died today

Today I found out my mum died about 4am. I was going to see her today. Now she isn’t here anymore.

I’m gonna break. And I can’t stop it.

Another mum of mine who took me in when I was cast out by mine has lung and brain cancer and doesn’t have long either.

My Foster mum died 2 weeks ago.

How do I cope with this. Can’t stop crying, I’m lashing out at people who are trying to help.

My mental health isn’t great anyway. I feel numb, confused, alone.

Can’t stay awake, endo pain is bad.

Where do I turn. Do I take my meds and block it all out.

Tried to call doctors as if I break I will end up in mental health unit again. Trying not to self harm. It’s hard people don’t understand.

Just want to numb it all, stop the random crying and give up.

What would u do?

When is the right time?

When is the right time to ask for help?

I mean mentally. Is it when you first break down? Or the first time you selfharm? The first night u cant sleep? Or the first time you overdose?

How do I convince the doctors I need help?

I know you guys see this depressed side of me, that’s not what others see. They see my bubbly, girlie personality. Everyone thinks I’m fine. When do I get my Oscar?

Can a person get over depression, or is it always there like a dark cloud on a summers day. Is anyone truly happy do you think?

Do fairy tales exist? Even in a fairy tale you have to go thru hell to get the happy ending. Maybe mine is coming and this is the beginning of the end before my castle in a gorgeous village.

Or maybe I missed the happy ending.

I wonder who if anyone will catch me if I fall. Or would they even notice and see thru my fake exterior.

U see on facebook when someone dies. Could be the worst criminal out there but everyone will say how amazing they were and how the whole community loved them.

My own family wouldn’t even turn up to my funeral. Would anyone else?

Are some people ment to wonder thru life alone. Does it make them stronger, or does it just break them down til there is nothing left.

I guess we will find out.

Who can you trust?

I have had a lot of trust issues lately.

Who in this world can you trust?

Can you trust the girl who is ment to be ur best friend when she says she cares for u?

What about the person making promises to never hurt u again?

Or new opportunities that come your way?

The boss that tells you to work hard and you will go far?

Or the doctors promising to help you?

Life is dependant on trust, but what if u cant trust anyone. What then? Where do you turn? Who is there to help you and who is there to use you?

In all honesty I don’t trust anyone. People will always hurt you. Its in the human DNA. The difference is not everyone does it intentionally, but it still hurts the same.

One thing I have learnt is to be alone in this world and not to trust anyone. that way no one can hurt you. The issue with that is you always let someone in. And they always hurt you. Then you hate urself for being stupid.

This will be my first of 2 blogs tonight.

Why are u missed more when ur gone

What is there after death?

Is there a light and a tunnel?

Does God exist? If so why the fuck does he hate me so much.

Found out the other day that the reason ur life flashed before ur eyes when ur moments away from death, is because ur brain is trying to use ur life experiences to get u out the situation.

One day I will find out what’s after this life, if anything.

One day soon maybe.

And the world will carry on. My parents won’t care and my funeral will be bare. Does anyone know what flowers I would want. Or if I wanna buried or cremated.

Would anyone pay for it.

Who cares anymore.

Love from

The girl who tries her best but always fails

IM BACK!!!!

So here I am writing again. Its 2.14am, and I’m due at work I’m under 5 hours.

My nights have been like this a lot lately. I don’t really sleep anymore. I just have this blurry feeling in my head and a faint buzzing.

Is this what insomnia feels like. Or can I just not sleep.

Always a lot going on in my life. I think ‘good luck’ has up and fucked off. Listened to his evil twin ‘bad luck’ and just swapped places.

Last week was hard and my endometriosis kicked my butt. took morphine for the first time at my new job. It was worse then it has been in a while. to the point where my jeans touching the left pelvic area even for a split second in the bathroom made me drop to the floor and hit my head.

But I made it thru the day with just one person noticing.

Is it wrong that I’m getting annoyed at people being fussed around cause they have a headache or something similar. when I’m sitting in agony knowing I should be in the hospital. But that’s my fault as I don’t tell anyone.

I say I don’t want sympathy but a simple are u ok do you need a hug would be nice.

Just to have some one hold me and tell me it will be over soon and the pain will subside. For me to fall asleep in there arms. I miss that. been years since anyone cared about me enough. Even friends are not like that.

I haven’t had anymore suicide attempts although I did self harm. Which I hate myself for, some times its the only way to release the stress, pain and anger I feel inside. Do others have issues coping like I do? Whats wrong with me that I cant cope?

I have seen mental health doctors before but they all say I’m fine. CLEARLY IM NOT.

I was even taken into a mental health unit for 2 weeks. where I was diagnosed with Manic Depression, most commonly know as Bipolar. I was later then rediagnosed with Borderline personality disorder. I was told it cant be bipolar because I don’t run down the street naked.

But I am on no medication and don’t see councillors. I choose not to see them because all they wanna do is talk about my past. Which I have worked so hard to block out. They start me talking then the nightmares start again. I cant deal with that. Right now they are few and far between. But when I start speaking about them they are every night.

I still see random things, like shadows and spiders that are not there. but they said as long as I don’t here voices I am fine.

I have had the heart monitor fitted and see the heart specialist on Friday. And see my pre op doctor on Thursday regarding my endo op.

I’m not sure how I will handle the operation for Endo. It is to take out my ovaries. I’m scared it will send me into a spiral. When I had my womb removed it took over a year to handle it emotionally and I still have moments now where I struggle and cry. To have babies again. I cant even look at the facebook memories of my kids when they were young. its silly and I cant talk to anyone including councillors as I always get the same response. “you have 2 kids already u should be happy, some people cant have kids”

It makes me even more upset, as I have no one to discuss it with.

I barely see my kids atm and I hate it. I have to work so that they can have a good up bringing but I just seem to get on more debt. I get home at about 6 and they go bed around 7. At weekends there nan who hates me for being ill and working. She thinks I cant be as ill as I have said cause she sits on her arse so how can I work. So she has them on the Friday night. I see my kids for about 2 days a week. I hate it but money has to be earnt. I hate that I cant take them places.

The guilt I feel is unbelievable. hope they know I love them.

These are the times I resent people who can just ask mummy and daddy for help. I have no cooker atm but have no money to get one. I’m even selling naked pics of me online cause we need money so bad. But I don’t have family. I have no one to talk to and fall back on for support. Its just me dealing with all this.

I was told by some one at work I’m the most positive person there. I’m not I can just fake it. They don’t know I’m dying inside and holding back tears.

Will things ever change. I don’t think I’m a bad person, I work hard and try my best. I try to be nice to everyone. So when do I get a break.