When ur heart is pounding and body shaking

Life is like the movies. U have good and bad ones.

Mine is a physiological thriller.

Twists and turns from everywhere. No path to follow and alot of guessing work.

When something good happens something bad follows.

Today my body is giving up. My mind gave up a while ago. My chest is tight and my body shakes. I can barely stay awake.

Is this the time I don’t wake. The time my heart finally gives in to all the breaking its endured.

Time will tell what’s out there for me.

So time sleep now.

Love u all

We never have control

No one really ever has control of there own lives whether it be health, controlling partner, a menacing ex or other circumstances.

I’m sat outside work having a melt down, knowing in 5 mins I have to put a smile on my face and act OK.

At least its sandwich day I suppose

From finding out I have been having silent seizures to the ex playing with my life. Where do I turn what do I do?

I have a great new partner. But how much should I lean on him before he runs.

How much of a smile should I fake?

Friends who I thought were there for me are no longer around.

New friends don’t know the situation.

Family is long gone.

Where is a loving mum, girls are ment to have. The ones u can run to in times of upset and trouble.

Time will tell how my story ends,, but right now it’s not looking good

Life and its roundabouts, roadhumps and traffic lights

In the life we live things won’t always go to plan. Even the person who seems to have the perfect life will have troubles hidden away. The key things is how we overcome them.

We can crash and burn or stand tall and fight.

Some we all have the stand tall and fight somewhere inside us. Sometimes it’s just hidden really well.

U need to get through the hurt, anger and depression first.

But how hard do u fight and how long for?

Is it OK to give in sometimes?

Something will kill you or make you stronger, but once again how do u know which one is which?

When is the right time?

When is the right time to ask for help?

I mean mentally. Is it when you first break down? Or the first time you selfharm? The first night u cant sleep? Or the first time you overdose?

How do I convince the doctors I need help?

I know you guys see this depressed side of me, that’s not what others see. They see my bubbly, girlie personality. Everyone thinks I’m fine. When do I get my Oscar?

Can a person get over depression, or is it always there like a dark cloud on a summers day. Is anyone truly happy do you think?

Do fairy tales exist? Even in a fairy tale you have to go thru hell to get the happy ending. Maybe mine is coming and this is the beginning of the end before my castle in a gorgeous village.

Or maybe I missed the happy ending.

I wonder who if anyone will catch me if I fall. Or would they even notice and see thru my fake exterior.

U see on facebook when someone dies. Could be the worst criminal out there but everyone will say how amazing they were and how the whole community loved them.

My own family wouldn’t even turn up to my funeral. Would anyone else?

Are some people ment to wonder thru life alone. Does it make them stronger, or does it just break them down til there is nothing left.

I guess we will find out.

Who can you trust?

I have had a lot of trust issues lately.

Who in this world can you trust?

Can you trust the girl who is ment to be ur best friend when she says she cares for u?

What about the person making promises to never hurt u again?

Or new opportunities that come your way?

The boss that tells you to work hard and you will go far?

Or the doctors promising to help you?

Life is dependant on trust, but what if u cant trust anyone. What then? Where do you turn? Who is there to help you and who is there to use you?

In all honesty I don’t trust anyone. People will always hurt you. Its in the human DNA. The difference is not everyone does it intentionally, but it still hurts the same.

One thing I have learnt is to be alone in this world and not to trust anyone. that way no one can hurt you. The issue with that is you always let someone in. And they always hurt you. Then you hate urself for being stupid.

This will be my first of 2 blogs tonight.

Sleeping

Things have been a little better lately.

I enjoy my job and the new challenges it brings everyday. I have said goodbye to the girls that have dragged me down and made some new friends.

My sleep has not improved though..

I have just woken up very startled. I’m not sure if it’s a nightmare or my heart condition. It’s the feeling u have after a nightmare where u can’t catch ur breath and ur heart is pounding. I have a slight feeling of fear. But I have no idea why I’m scared.

I use to have nightmares all the time, of being chased or assaulted. But they are less frequent now. This waking up like tonight is a common thing now.

Need to be up for 4.30 and it’s 1.10 now. My heart has slowly settled so I guess its time to try again.

Maybe if I wasn’t alone it wouldn’t happen. Maybe it’s still my nightmares I just don’t remember them.

Either way. Hope u all sleep well and good night.

If people only knew

Do u ever just wanna scream and shout?

Do u ever get pissed off when people don’t realise ur stressed or down? But u haven’t even told them y.

Just would love someone to take enough interest in me to notice.

Hearing people complain about the same things in life, like a cold coffee or work.

Wish I could scream at them.

But nobody knows cause who wants to be friends with a whiner.

Just wanna say thanks

This will be a quick one.

This site has saved my life on more then one occasion. So I wanna say thank u.

It maybe weird but I use this as I online diary. I know people can see but it feels like maybe I have some one I can talk to. Its helped me on some of the nights I have felt the weakest and unable to stand on my own.

SO THANK YOU EVERYONE XXXX

Still awake

So it is now 4.10am and I am still awake. Just cant sleep. I close my eyes and the stress kicks in.

I have tried

Turing all technology off.

Putting on a boring program.

Listening to music.

Just laying there.

I’m due in work at 7am. Do I just get up now? Would sleep now make me feel worse?

Its getting light out now. So good morning world.

IM BACK!!!!

So here I am writing again. Its 2.14am, and I’m due at work I’m under 5 hours.

My nights have been like this a lot lately. I don’t really sleep anymore. I just have this blurry feeling in my head and a faint buzzing.

Is this what insomnia feels like. Or can I just not sleep.

Always a lot going on in my life. I think ‘good luck’ has up and fucked off. Listened to his evil twin ‘bad luck’ and just swapped places.

Last week was hard and my endometriosis kicked my butt. took morphine for the first time at my new job. It was worse then it has been in a while. to the point where my jeans touching the left pelvic area even for a split second in the bathroom made me drop to the floor and hit my head.

But I made it thru the day with just one person noticing.

Is it wrong that I’m getting annoyed at people being fussed around cause they have a headache or something similar. when I’m sitting in agony knowing I should be in the hospital. But that’s my fault as I don’t tell anyone.

I say I don’t want sympathy but a simple are u ok do you need a hug would be nice.

Just to have some one hold me and tell me it will be over soon and the pain will subside. For me to fall asleep in there arms. I miss that. been years since anyone cared about me enough. Even friends are not like that.

I haven’t had anymore suicide attempts although I did self harm. Which I hate myself for, some times its the only way to release the stress, pain and anger I feel inside. Do others have issues coping like I do? Whats wrong with me that I cant cope?

I have seen mental health doctors before but they all say I’m fine. CLEARLY IM NOT.

I was even taken into a mental health unit for 2 weeks. where I was diagnosed with Manic Depression, most commonly know as Bipolar. I was later then rediagnosed with Borderline personality disorder. I was told it cant be bipolar because I don’t run down the street naked.

But I am on no medication and don’t see councillors. I choose not to see them because all they wanna do is talk about my past. Which I have worked so hard to block out. They start me talking then the nightmares start again. I cant deal with that. Right now they are few and far between. But when I start speaking about them they are every night.

I still see random things, like shadows and spiders that are not there. but they said as long as I don’t here voices I am fine.

I have had the heart monitor fitted and see the heart specialist on Friday. And see my pre op doctor on Thursday regarding my endo op.

I’m not sure how I will handle the operation for Endo. It is to take out my ovaries. I’m scared it will send me into a spiral. When I had my womb removed it took over a year to handle it emotionally and I still have moments now where I struggle and cry. To have babies again. I cant even look at the facebook memories of my kids when they were young. its silly and I cant talk to anyone including councillors as I always get the same response. “you have 2 kids already u should be happy, some people cant have kids”

It makes me even more upset, as I have no one to discuss it with.

I barely see my kids atm and I hate it. I have to work so that they can have a good up bringing but I just seem to get on more debt. I get home at about 6 and they go bed around 7. At weekends there nan who hates me for being ill and working. She thinks I cant be as ill as I have said cause she sits on her arse so how can I work. So she has them on the Friday night. I see my kids for about 2 days a week. I hate it but money has to be earnt. I hate that I cant take them places.

The guilt I feel is unbelievable. hope they know I love them.

These are the times I resent people who can just ask mummy and daddy for help. I have no cooker atm but have no money to get one. I’m even selling naked pics of me online cause we need money so bad. But I don’t have family. I have no one to talk to and fall back on for support. Its just me dealing with all this.

I was told by some one at work I’m the most positive person there. I’m not I can just fake it. They don’t know I’m dying inside and holding back tears.

Will things ever change. I don’t think I’m a bad person, I work hard and try my best. I try to be nice to everyone. So when do I get a break.