Category: Uncategorized

Heart pounding, head broken.

It’s that time again where if I don’t write it down I will burst nd do something silly.

Really how much stress can a heart take? My heart monitor loop recorder thing is fitted. It’s in my left boob. I’m a 34gg which mean I bounce no matter how secure the bra is. Therefore the implant hasn’t settled and keeps moving.

I can no longer lay on my front and bras hurt. See the heart doctor in the next two weeks and see my surgeon for a pre op for my endo the same week.

The things at home are the same. The ex won’t leave I’m so stressed. He promises me he will change and help more but nothing ever changes. He will never leave. The police won’t remove him as he is on the tenancy. I need to be happy.

Every day is just stress from start to finish. Arguments before I go work, arguments all day and the same when I come home. I sleep about 4 hours a night.

I collapse and got left for 45 mins on the floor. He said he heard a bang. I have a heart issue I could have died. Everyday I fight the urge to take meds to numb it all out.

His m tricked me into opening up to her saying I can trust her and have some one to talk to. About 10 mins later she is on the phone to my ex telling him everything.

 

I truly am alone in this world. I must have murdered thousands of children in my past life to get this punishment.

 

I love my kids but I do believe they would be happier without me. I have to work as there dad doesn’t they barely get to see me and when they do I’m either fighting back tears, to ill to function or extremely stressed.

But it is funny how I can go into work and no one knows. They all think I’m the cheery one.

Little do they know I’m barely making thru life.

 

 

 

This will be a long one

So I’m just gonna write random stuff about whats been going on cause sometimes u just need get things o your chest.

So The ex quit a job I got him which made me so mad and made me look bad. And I was given the boot to. But not because he left. The contract I had with them wasn’t due to end until June. Instead of calling me I got a call from the agency stating the project we were working on finished early so they didn’t want me.

But on the upside I had the second interview with a new company today. I think I did well but only time will tell.

I sit here tonight on the eve of having my Implantable Loop Recorder put in my chest. This op is small but I will be awake which is scary. But they will be able to see what the issue is with my heart that is making me collapse.

 

I have took a long hard look at my life lately and instead of trying to get things done now, I will take my time and I will succeed more. Like relationships, I know how people see me. I’m not saying I’m gorgeous, I’m average.  But men see me as one thing and that’s a good fuck. I’m the throphy girlfriend the one you show off. nothing more. I’m not seen as the marrying type.

My key goal atm is pay off all my debts so I’m working my ass off to get patreons but not really working atm.

Long shot if anyone wants to take a look – http://www.patreon.com/misskhadi13

I will get there I know I will.

Well my daughter is awake so this is shorter then I thought lol

Last week

Things have been a little hectic. I finally went to my pre-op. they found  heart murmur.

Although that sounds bad maybe they have finally found the reason for my heart attack and my passing out. But what does this actually mean for me.

Its also been suggested this week that I am showing signs of early dementia. IM 34. I agree I forget things, have trouble speaking sometimes, get lost and confused easy but can it really be dementia.

I also find out this week if I still have a job next month as was only a temp position. fingers crossed I have two kids kinda need this job.

my dog also has lump developed on her back im preying the vet gives me good news on that have already lost 2 pets this year.

I have an MRI tomorrow I hate them though as it so closed in. im not clostraphobic at all just don’t like been held down and that’s what it feels like. your so restricted on movement. And I have cardiology on Thursday.

Lets hope the weeks just get better xxx

Endometriosis and the Medical Profesionals

I think I spelt the title wrong.

But maybe I can be forgiven after the last few days.

I went to Wales last weekend as our first family holiday. Was so nice and gorgeous there. We went for my daughters 4th birthday.

Then on Monday after working for half a day I went to see Lukas Graham in concert. His voice is amazing live.

The reason I am writing today and may ramble a little as on a lot of Morphine right now is because since Sunday I have been in agony. It has got to the point I am unable to walk properly, need help to the toilet and cant do anything for myself.

Now my work don’t know how ill I am. So yesterday instead of my usual suit trousers I wear to work I figured I could get away with black jeans. This did not go down well and was given a warning. How do I explain to my two male bosses that when I get on pain my tummy swells to the size of a 6 month pregnant women and my suit trousers will rip. Today I have had to buy a size 16 pair of trousers which is 2 sizes bigger then what I am and a belt.

Today the pain got horrendous and I dialled the 111 service as after 83 calls to the doctor I could not get an appointment.

The paramedic that I spoke to on the phone was great he knew what endo was he understood about it all. He called an ambulance. This is where it all turnt bad. After a 50 min wait 3 paramedics turnt up. Now one of them was great he knew exactly what endo was to the point he was asking questions the specialist does. The other two where not so nice here is a few things that were said to me.

  • if you have the meds why call us.
  • doctors can deal with this
  • your blood pressure and pulse are fine
  • why do I not just go to bed
  • if you collapse don’t call us back here.

Well heres my argument. My meds are not working I don’t call them for the fun of it. Doctors wont deal with the pain when its this bad as they can prescribe anymore then I already have. My blood pressure is naturally low to the point when I do go to hospital they wake me up in the night to walk around to raise it. My pulse is naturally sat around 51. which is really low. when they checked me my blood pressure was 128/91. Which for most people is normal but not for me. The pulse rate was 89 now considering its usually 51 that’s really high for me to. Next I have tried being in bed, ive tried a bath, ive tried sitting standing, falling and laying its not helping and im unable to sleep. The next one really annoyed me. So if I collapse no one can call an ambulance for me.

So right now I am sat downstairs dreading the next tine I need to go loo, on the most amount of meds I can take still in agony.

I would not wish this illness on anyone. The NHS need to study about Endometriosis its a common illness.

Nothing has changed

Last week about this time I tried to kill myself. Its like it never happened. The people who do know I’m kot sure they care. Was even called selfish by one of them.

I’m guessing as there are so many that do things like this for attention society don’t see when it was real.

I have no idea how I survived, I research what I needed to take and even took extra on top. But I’m here.

 

People will say its for a reason. I don’t believe in the high power and stuff. Ur here cause u were born nothing else.

Life will plod along. With half my mind on the real word and half in a thunder cloud.

Why bother

Do u every wonder why u even try sometimes.

Was in a a good mood today. Got the news my surgery is going ahead will be a big one. My ovaries are coming out, my bowel and bladder are being reconstructed and scar tissue and endo being removed.

 

But nopw I come home to stream to earn money a barely have 2 pennies to run together. I was one of the 4 girls that opened the site nd also the only one remaining.

Every time I stream I get other streamers or there friends promoting themselves in my stream. I get trolls sent to my stream. The attitude from there so caped mods are a joke. And the they say the reason I clash with them is cause I’m English.

Proves racism is both ways.

I have stepped up my game. Put myself in pain. There augment system is a joke. Ur lucky if u get ur money.

CHATURBATE HERE I COME

The troubles of an online streamer.

There are many things u have to deal with as a streamer.

The hours

The trolls

Other streamers

Which site

Being alone

The expense

 

The hours are hard work when being a streamer. U need to be on at prime time. Which for me is 7pm onwards so late nights for me. And having 2 kids makes early mornings to.

The trolls are a nightmare. The recent ones have been from another girls stream to try to faze me. It didn’t work trolls don’t work on me they either end up staying or give up.  British we were born sarcastic.

Other streamers will try to under cut u on goals and chat behind ur back to cause issues.

Which site there are so many. My site of choice is plexstorm. But there are alot others to try.

Then there is the loneliness. I can’t tell many people what I do as they judge. I lay in bed alone after the stream as can’t have a bf while doing this.

The expense is new underwear and toys and drinks and pc set up. Takes a while to make it back.

 

Streaming is harder then it looks

 

 

Parenting

Does anyone actually know what they are doing?

How do we answer questions from a 6 and 3 year old when we dont know the answer?

How do we not laugh when they do something wrong but is really funny aswell?

How do we not cry 24/7?

I have a 3 and a 6 year old. My daughter is the 3 year old and such a little princess. Obviously she is gorgeous but she knows it. Everything is a race to her and she has to win.

“Dinner time Demi”

“Race mummy race, I win”

She races to the car, she races to the toilet she races everywhere. How do I teach a kid its ok to loose.

She is going through a faze of asking WHY WHY WHY

The latest ones are why is plane making clouds? Why the clouds on the floor? why are we having dinner? why am I going nursery? why is Riley my brother?

Then she doesn’t accept the answer.

 

Then we have my 6 year old son. He was given a £10 note from a friend for his birthday and shouted “I got dollars”

DOLLARS we are in England

Everything is “Really?” Now read that again with a teenage attitude.

I showed him my new tattoo on my wrist asked if he liked it. Without hesitation he said “Its alright for a night out”

WTH how does he know whats good for a night out. Does he have some secret life where he sneaks out and parties.

We were at his grandmas the other day she said I itch all over his first reaction was. ”     “U must have flees and nits”.

Now do I tell him off for that or laugh.

Im not sure anyone knows what they are doing. Where is Mary Poppins when you need her.