I have changed my name in hope my friends don’t find this. But I wanna tell the story of my real life. The way I feel inside.
I am writing this because some time you just have to let it all out. The sadness and the anger but you don’t know who to tell.
Everyday I wake up with a sadness in my heart. Everything a human enjoys I have lost. I have a deep saddening and even though there is a lot going on and I normally pull myself out of this rut, for some reason this time I cant.
To this date I have lost 6 babies, but I am grateful and love my two gorgeous kids that did survive. I suffered from Post Natal Depression with my first and couldn’t hold or deal with him for the first few weeks. I was lucky it didn’t last longer.
I have Endometriosis that was diagnosed in 2006. It was a fight to get diagnosed and has been a fight ever since. From 11 operations including my appendix being removed, a hysterectomy and the rest were removal of endo. My body has scars and miss shaped from surgery’s.
But all this has been a fight from doctors saying its not real and its only period pains, to being called a druggy at the hospital even though I have plenty of morphine at home. Being told I cant have an ambulance out after I collapse cause its an existing condition. To fight for every operation that I need to have to try to keep endometriosis at bay. The fact sex is impossible without pain and even taking a shit is one of the lost painful things I have experienced to the point im throwing up and passing out. But once again not being believed.
Then theres the Fibromyalgia. The full body aching, easily bruising, tiredness, forgetfulness and the brain fog. I can drive from one place to another and not remember a thing about my journey, I forget peoples name sand have to write stuff down.
I cancel doing things with friends often but they think Im being boring or lazy. I pass out on nights out and people think im to drunk. As soon as you say what you have wrong with you people always know some one that’s worse and still copes.
The nights laying in bed crying in pain but you have no one to hold you. the loneliness and isolation. Remember the days I wore nothing but heels and didn’t have to worry about my stomach swelling up 2 dress sizes and people asking if im pregnant. No one understanding how I still get upset walking down the baby isle even though I have two kids.
People saying how lucky I am because I get a disability car but I would love to pay my own way. The realisation of knowing I will never own my own home or I could die.
This is not a sob story, I just need to release some feelings.
