Tag: depression

Depression

I understand why people kill themselves

No its not selfish. I hate it when people say that. Most of the time it’s due to loneliness.

U can have a million people around but feel like the only person in the world.

 

The reason I am writing this.

I’m sick of being alone. And always the one in the wrong.

 

I have had 11 operations and done them all alone,

I have no family as the disowned me. At the age of 14. No I wasn’t a bad child I just wasn’t my dad’s child so always the outsider. I got blamed for everything. From bending a book (I got a slap round my face for that) – to getting blamed when I was sexually assaulted.

I have had 6 miscarriages.

No friends that actually care. Not exaggerating. No one visits me at hospital when I mention anything or disagree with them I get told I to self obsessed.

I have endometriosis, fibro, heart issues and am I pain daily.

I have lost job after job due to collapsing.

I get ridiculed when I don’t stick to plans cause I’m in agony.

I get told I’m faking my illnesses. Cause obviously surgeons love wasting there time and operating.

I’m in a rediculous amount of debt.

So I ask again why do I bother.

 

My debts are thru the roof.

I use to self harm but that’s not enough anymore. I go to the doctors and I told im coping fine.

No family, no friends, no partner, no support.

Loss

Loosing anyone in life is hard and something u never really get over.

Mine isn’t a person I have lost. I don’t have any family in my life. Mine is I have had 3 miscarriages and have lost the ability to have more kids and 3 cats in 3 months.

I sit here at night in a room alone when everyone else is asleep and think of how my oldest would have been 18 now. I did have 2 babies and the are 6 and 3. So gorgeous.

But it’s doesn’t stop the hurting that now I had to have a hysterectomy in 2017 I will never be a mummy again. But  called selfish as others can’t have one. I cherish everyday with them. But walking down the baby Isle or each birthday they have I get sad. No matter how hard I try not to.

It’s gonna sound silly but my cat had kittens and one in particular followed me around, slept with me and was always there. It was like having a baby again. But she had been promised to another family. I cried when she left and I don’t get emotional over animals normally.

Over Christmas I lost to more cats, one a kitten that died with me holding him. I was cuddling him when hi took his last breath. I’m sitting her crying. I’m so emotional. Then we got a knock from the neighbour to say there is a injured cat outside. And yes it was my baby gothem he was the runt of the litter and wasn’t breathing when he was born. I brought him back. He got run over. I rushed him to the vets and but they had to put him down in my arms. The vet hugged me. And now my cat Blaze is missing looked everywhere so worried about him.

Loss isn’t just loosing a family member or friend its a feeling. A horrible feeling that creeps up on u when ur alone and laying in bed.

 

Endometriosis Awareness

So I’m not sure who will read this but this month is

ENDOMETRIOSIS AWARENESS MONTH

Most people won’t know what endometriosis is. Although it effects 1 in 10 women across the world.

It is the lining of the womb attaching to places outside the womb. Meaning it sticks organs together and bleed each month just like a normal period.

Here are some of the symptoms

– Heavy irregular periods

(Heavy enough to cause you to faint and become anaemic)

– Servere pain all month round

(This can cause people to pass out and vomit)

– Bloating

(You can bloat up more then 4 times bigger then ur usual dress size)

– Painful sex

– Painful bowel movements

– Hip pain

– Back pain

– Infertility

These are just some of the symptoms that wen with Endometriosis have to go thru. Right now there is no cure and no real treatment. We don’t get much support either as most people think it’s normal for a women and just regular period pains.

HERE’S MY EXPERIENCE

Not sure where to start. I was officially diagnosed in 2006 via laparoscopy. A key hole surgery so they can look in ur abnominal area. But my pain started since my periods began. With cramping and bleeding so heavy I was passing out and missing school.

No one understood and thought I was exaggerating the normal for every other women. My Foster mum atm even checked my sanitary pads to see if I was lying.

Even on the day of my laporoscopy my partner at the time threatened to leave me if they found nothing.

Since then I have had 11 operations including a hysterectomy as I was told it would cure me. (what a lie that was). My appendix removed as it was covered in endometriosis. And bladder reconstruction surgery due to endometriosis again.

I have had 6 miscarriages and thank good I have 2 gorgeous kids now.

I must have visited AnE more then 100 times to just here the doctors saying I’m after drugs. The truth is I have more morphine on my cupboards at home then a pharmacy has. If it worked I would not have gone to the hospital in the first place. I have been sent away after being told its just a urine infection. It gets to the point that I cry when a doctor actually knows what endometriosis is and actually helps me.

I pass out when I’m pooping due to pain and collapse random days. My stomach can go from flattish to 4 dress sizes in less then half hour. I cancel plans at the last minute and loose friends because of it.

Friends are a issue to me cause no one understands. Everyone has a friend that has endometriosis and they can work and go to gym and never cancel plans. So why do I.  One person said I must have relatives from Africa as only black people get endometriosis (that’s her exact words, stupid I know)

I have my family and my partners family saying I fake it. This has to be one of the the loneliest illnesses. I myself have tried to commit suicide over this.

My reality is my days are unpredictable and painful. I smile everyday so no one notices the pain I’m in.

Mental Health and Endometriosis

No one tells you about this side of things. The emotional stress and depression that you suffer.

And it never goes away.

From suffering for years and no one taking you seriously, from being called a druggie and a drug seeker, in my case my partner at the time threatening to split up with me if nothing was found wrong with me, loosing job after job, the pain, the lack of sex and feeling useless, the feeling of if you can have kids will my daughter be affected and the guilt. Then there is what I am suffering from at the moment which no one understands.

The feeling of loss. This is the part I cant get help for and the part I cant tell anyone. Because when I tried I got a lot of backlash off it. I was fortunate enough to have 2 kids although went through 6 miscarriages. How weird is it that I would have a 18 year old right now. I always wanted a big family as I don’t have any family. Just wanted my kids to have some one when I am unable to function.

That’s not the loss I am on about even though I think of my other 6 children everyday I am suffering from another loss aswell.

In 2017 I was taking into surgery for a total hysterectomy due to my uterus being attached to one side of my bladder. Im not sure that is something I will ever get over. It may get easier some days but its still there every day. When I see women treating kids wrong they have loads of kids hows that fair, when I walk down the baby clothes isle (which I try to avoid). When Facebook shows me pics from years ago and its my kids as babies. when I go in hospital and they always ask if im pregnant and the ask if im sure. When jobs ask if I plan on having anymore. Or people who I have told forget and make a comment like bet you want another kids soon. Watching my children grow is an amazing thing but every year they have a birthday its a reminder I will never have a baby again.

No I tell some one this and all I get is your so lucky to have two already. I know I am and they are beautiful and gorgeous. but why can no one understand my loss. I have a friend who cant have kids at all and I do feel for I really do, she is one of my oldest friends but cant talk to her about this.

Every day I feel down but I have to carry on. Im finding its making me angry and like today I rehomed one of my gorgeous kittens and that set me off in tears. I don’t know why the idea of me never being pregnant again is getting me so upset and depressed.

Things I keep hidden

I have changed my name in hope my friends don’t find this. But I wanna tell the story of my real life. The way I feel inside.

I am writing this because some time you just have to let it all out. The sadness and the anger but you don’t know who to tell.

Everyday I wake up with a sadness in my heart. Everything a human enjoys I have lost. I have a deep saddening and even though there is a lot going on and I normally pull myself out of this rut, for some reason this time I cant.

To this date I have lost 6 babies, but I am grateful and love my two gorgeous kids that did survive. I suffered from Post Natal Depression with my first and couldn’t hold or deal with him for the first few weeks. I was lucky it didn’t last longer.

I have Endometriosis that was diagnosed in 2006. It was a fight to get diagnosed and has been a fight ever since. From 11 operations including my appendix being removed, a hysterectomy and the rest were removal of endo. My body has scars and miss shaped from  surgery’s.

But all this has been a fight from doctors saying its not real and its only period pains, to being called a druggy at the hospital even though I have plenty of morphine at home. Being told I cant have an ambulance out after I collapse cause its an existing condition. To fight for every operation that I need to have to try to keep endometriosis at bay. The fact sex is impossible without pain and even taking a shit is one of the lost painful things I have experienced to the point im throwing up and passing out. But once again not being believed.

Then theres the Fibromyalgia. The full body aching, easily bruising, tiredness, forgetfulness and the brain fog. I can drive from one place to another and not remember a thing about my journey, I forget peoples name sand have to write stuff down.

I cancel doing things with friends often but they think Im being boring or lazy. I pass out on nights out and people think im to drunk. As soon as you say what you have wrong with you people always know some one that’s worse and still copes.

The nights laying in bed crying in pain but you have no one to hold you. the loneliness and isolation. Remember the days I wore nothing but heels and didn’t have to worry about my stomach swelling up 2 dress sizes and people asking if im pregnant. No one understanding how I still get upset walking down the baby isle even though I have two kids.

People saying how lucky I am because I get a disability car but I would love to pay my own way. The realisation of knowing I will never own my own home or I could die.

This is not a sob story, I just need to release some feelings.