OOOOOOH the anger (but am i right to be angry?

How does anyone know if there anger is truly justified?

Chest is hearting AGAIN.

Im working hard sending my kids to morning club and after school club to show them you work for what u get. but tbh what do i get in return. Kids i barely get to see, who are tired. Me being ill barely able to stay awake past 7 and a huge strain on my relationship, thats if i even have one anymore.

Major surgery soon which should be a huge worry but with everything thats the thing i am least worried about the most.

People dot see how ill i am. WHY? Cause i dont play on it and im not a wimp. YES so now its classed as my fault cause i dont show it or remind people every 20 minutes. I smile through the pain of a full time job on barely no sleep, and i walk normally when people are watching me but hold my breath the whole time to mask the pain, taking a big breath when they turn away. I make out its me being old.

BUT people close to me should know this, they should know me well enough to see when im struggling. im glad the 50 year old women can work fulltime and then cook a 4 course meal and shop and change the beds. I CANT.

I start work in pain and finish work in pain and thats only half my day done. But i keep going for my kids.

Where does my life go from here. Im loosing my health, my house and my sanity. I dont even know where my relationship is at right now. I dont even know if there is trust anymore. Without trust there is no relationship.

I am not blaming anyone, its me i know it is. All my relationships have gone the same. I fall in love to fast and the guy relaxes leaving me feeling lonely and cold. I give way to much time, money and effort way to fast. I end up laying in bed unable to sleep with a million things running thru my head.

I know i need to change but i dont know how. Where do i start?

All i want is to be taken care of, to be the one in focus for just a little while everyday.

You know what i want is to be considered. I am sick of waiting for a guy to want me. Im sick of being in relationships and waiting for guys to commit. Be with them months or years and have no commitment for them to be in other relationships 5 mins and have moved in or a ring on the womens finger. Why should i wait. what are they waiting for? Why am i not good enough for them to want a future with me or want to take the next step.

SICK OF WAITING. SICK OF NOT BEING CONSIDERED. SICK OF COMMITMENT BEING THE LAST RESORT.

When is the right time?

When is the right time to ask for help?

I mean mentally. Is it when you first break down? Or the first time you selfharm? The first night u cant sleep? Or the first time you overdose?

How do I convince the doctors I need help?

I know you guys see this depressed side of me, that’s not what others see. They see my bubbly, girlie personality. Everyone thinks I’m fine. When do I get my Oscar?

Can a person get over depression, or is it always there like a dark cloud on a summers day. Is anyone truly happy do you think?

Do fairy tales exist? Even in a fairy tale you have to go thru hell to get the happy ending. Maybe mine is coming and this is the beginning of the end before my castle in a gorgeous village.

Or maybe I missed the happy ending.

I wonder who if anyone will catch me if I fall. Or would they even notice and see thru my fake exterior.

U see on facebook when someone dies. Could be the worst criminal out there but everyone will say how amazing they were and how the whole community loved them.

My own family wouldn’t even turn up to my funeral. Would anyone else?

Are some people ment to wonder thru life alone. Does it make them stronger, or does it just break them down til there is nothing left.

I guess we will find out.

The views I have that get me into trouble

Maybe im just an old fashioned girl, maybe we are all right or maybe i am just plain wrong.

I have these views and opinions that I can seem to tell people about without getting evil looks or criticized.

So brace yourselves, here goes nothing……

BENEFITS

The world has changed and this we all agree on but I also think people have got lazier. Where has the generation of workers gone. Seems like every other person is on benefits. Now this might make me more angry then most through personal reason. All I have tried to do is work and work and work. But when I work I get more ill (endometriosis) it will be my 12th operation this year. But I still stand by the fact that a lot of people think its ok to sit at home and do nothing. You should work for what you want not get handed it.

But that brings me onto another point, where have the morals gone. Women and teenagers getting pregnant to get houses off the council. A women was on Facebook the other day asking which council site was best to bid on houses.

THE FIRST COMMENT….. “If you get your mum to say your over crowded you will get a house straight away”

And no matter how much she told them she is not overcrowded they told her to lie. There are homeless people out there that need the housed not some one that has a roof over there heads.

GENDER

Here is a biggy atm. This seems to be a sore subject atm. I believe you can be whatever you want to be. But surely you are one of these…

FEMALE

MALE

MALE WANTING TO BE A FEMALE

FEMALE WANTING TO BE A MALE

I believe you can be born in the wrong body. I do not understand non-binary. How can you not be either unless you were born with both a virgina and a penis. A post I have seen lately a person claiming to be non-binary having a natural birth at home and breast feeding. You cant state you non-binary and then use everything being a women gave you. Therefore you are a women.

KIDS

So yet another biggy here. Well this will annoy a lot of people but why shouldn’t I get an opinion too. Its frustrating when every child that is naughty no matter how small is told they have ADD or ADHD. Im not saying it doesn’t exist. What I am saying is not every kid has it. I believe in slapping your child to discipline them. No im talking a tap on the bum or hand. but kids get labelled. Its getting the same with anxiety. People claiming they cant work cause they have anxiety.

Once again a personal anger towards this and I know not everyone is the same. I have had major issues in life couldn’t walk in shops or even on a bus. But I learnt to change.

OK.. So that’s my rant and opinions. Would love any comments good or bad. Maybe I can learn maybe I have changed your opinion.

All I am saying is we cant sail through life we work for what we have, don’t make excuses and be you.