OOOOOOH the anger (but am i right to be angry?

How does anyone know if there anger is truly justified?

Chest is hearting AGAIN.

Im working hard sending my kids to morning club and after school club to show them you work for what u get. but tbh what do i get in return. Kids i barely get to see, who are tired. Me being ill barely able to stay awake past 7 and a huge strain on my relationship, thats if i even have one anymore.

Major surgery soon which should be a huge worry but with everything thats the thing i am least worried about the most.

People dot see how ill i am. WHY? Cause i dont play on it and im not a wimp. YES so now its classed as my fault cause i dont show it or remind people every 20 minutes. I smile through the pain of a full time job on barely no sleep, and i walk normally when people are watching me but hold my breath the whole time to mask the pain, taking a big breath when they turn away. I make out its me being old.

BUT people close to me should know this, they should know me well enough to see when im struggling. im glad the 50 year old women can work fulltime and then cook a 4 course meal and shop and change the beds. I CANT.

I start work in pain and finish work in pain and thats only half my day done. But i keep going for my kids.

Where does my life go from here. Im loosing my health, my house and my sanity. I dont even know where my relationship is at right now. I dont even know if there is trust anymore. Without trust there is no relationship.

I am not blaming anyone, its me i know it is. All my relationships have gone the same. I fall in love to fast and the guy relaxes leaving me feeling lonely and cold. I give way to much time, money and effort way to fast. I end up laying in bed unable to sleep with a million things running thru my head.

I know i need to change but i dont know how. Where do i start?

All i want is to be taken care of, to be the one in focus for just a little while everyday.

You know what i want is to be considered. I am sick of waiting for a guy to want me. Im sick of being in relationships and waiting for guys to commit. Be with them months or years and have no commitment for them to be in other relationships 5 mins and have moved in or a ring on the womens finger. Why should i wait. what are they waiting for? Why am i not good enough for them to want a future with me or want to take the next step.

SICK OF WAITING. SICK OF NOT BEING CONSIDERED. SICK OF COMMITMENT BEING THE LAST RESORT.

When is the right time?

When is the right time to ask for help?

I mean mentally. Is it when you first break down? Or the first time you selfharm? The first night u cant sleep? Or the first time you overdose?

How do I convince the doctors I need help?

I know you guys see this depressed side of me, that’s not what others see. They see my bubbly, girlie personality. Everyone thinks I’m fine. When do I get my Oscar?

Can a person get over depression, or is it always there like a dark cloud on a summers day. Is anyone truly happy do you think?

Do fairy tales exist? Even in a fairy tale you have to go thru hell to get the happy ending. Maybe mine is coming and this is the beginning of the end before my castle in a gorgeous village.

Or maybe I missed the happy ending.

I wonder who if anyone will catch me if I fall. Or would they even notice and see thru my fake exterior.

U see on facebook when someone dies. Could be the worst criminal out there but everyone will say how amazing they were and how the whole community loved them.

My own family wouldn’t even turn up to my funeral. Would anyone else?

Are some people ment to wonder thru life alone. Does it make them stronger, or does it just break them down til there is nothing left.

I guess we will find out.

IM BACK!!!!

So here I am writing again. Its 2.14am, and I’m due at work I’m under 5 hours.

My nights have been like this a lot lately. I don’t really sleep anymore. I just have this blurry feeling in my head and a faint buzzing.

Is this what insomnia feels like. Or can I just not sleep.

Always a lot going on in my life. I think ‘good luck’ has up and fucked off. Listened to his evil twin ‘bad luck’ and just swapped places.

Last week was hard and my endometriosis kicked my butt. took morphine for the first time at my new job. It was worse then it has been in a while. to the point where my jeans touching the left pelvic area even for a split second in the bathroom made me drop to the floor and hit my head.

But I made it thru the day with just one person noticing.

Is it wrong that I’m getting annoyed at people being fussed around cause they have a headache or something similar. when I’m sitting in agony knowing I should be in the hospital. But that’s my fault as I don’t tell anyone.

I say I don’t want sympathy but a simple are u ok do you need a hug would be nice.

Just to have some one hold me and tell me it will be over soon and the pain will subside. For me to fall asleep in there arms. I miss that. been years since anyone cared about me enough. Even friends are not like that.

I haven’t had anymore suicide attempts although I did self harm. Which I hate myself for, some times its the only way to release the stress, pain and anger I feel inside. Do others have issues coping like I do? Whats wrong with me that I cant cope?

I have seen mental health doctors before but they all say I’m fine. CLEARLY IM NOT.

I was even taken into a mental health unit for 2 weeks. where I was diagnosed with Manic Depression, most commonly know as Bipolar. I was later then rediagnosed with Borderline personality disorder. I was told it cant be bipolar because I don’t run down the street naked.

But I am on no medication and don’t see councillors. I choose not to see them because all they wanna do is talk about my past. Which I have worked so hard to block out. They start me talking then the nightmares start again. I cant deal with that. Right now they are few and far between. But when I start speaking about them they are every night.

I still see random things, like shadows and spiders that are not there. but they said as long as I don’t here voices I am fine.

I have had the heart monitor fitted and see the heart specialist on Friday. And see my pre op doctor on Thursday regarding my endo op.

I’m not sure how I will handle the operation for Endo. It is to take out my ovaries. I’m scared it will send me into a spiral. When I had my womb removed it took over a year to handle it emotionally and I still have moments now where I struggle and cry. To have babies again. I cant even look at the facebook memories of my kids when they were young. its silly and I cant talk to anyone including councillors as I always get the same response. “you have 2 kids already u should be happy, some people cant have kids”

It makes me even more upset, as I have no one to discuss it with.

I barely see my kids atm and I hate it. I have to work so that they can have a good up bringing but I just seem to get on more debt. I get home at about 6 and they go bed around 7. At weekends there nan who hates me for being ill and working. She thinks I cant be as ill as I have said cause she sits on her arse so how can I work. So she has them on the Friday night. I see my kids for about 2 days a week. I hate it but money has to be earnt. I hate that I cant take them places.

The guilt I feel is unbelievable. hope they know I love them.

These are the times I resent people who can just ask mummy and daddy for help. I have no cooker atm but have no money to get one. I’m even selling naked pics of me online cause we need money so bad. But I don’t have family. I have no one to talk to and fall back on for support. Its just me dealing with all this.

I was told by some one at work I’m the most positive person there. I’m not I can just fake it. They don’t know I’m dying inside and holding back tears.

Will things ever change. I don’t think I’m a bad person, I work hard and try my best. I try to be nice to everyone. So when do I get a break.