Loss

Loosing anyone in life is hard and something u never really get over.

Mine isn’t a person I have lost. I don’t have any family in my life. Mine is I have had 3 miscarriages and have lost the ability to have more kids and 3 cats in 3 months.

I sit here at night in a room alone when everyone else is asleep and think of how my oldest would have been 18 now. I did have 2 babies and the are 6 and 3. So gorgeous.

But it’s doesn’t stop the hurting that now I had to have a hysterectomy in 2017 I will never be a mummy again. But called selfish as others can’t have one. I cherish everyday with them. But walking down the baby Isle or each birthday they have I get sad. No matter how hard I try not to.

It’s gonna sound silly but my cat had kittens and one in particular followed me around, slept with me and was always there. It was like having a baby again. But she had been promised to another family. I cried when she left and I don’t get emotional over animals normally.

Over Christmas I lost to more cats, one a kitten that died with me holding him. I was cuddling him when hi took his last breath. I’m sitting her crying. I’m so emotional. Then we got a knock from the neighbour to say there is a injured cat outside. And yes it was my baby gothem he was the runt of the litter and wasn’t breathing when he was born. I brought him back. He got run over. I rushed him to the vets and but they had to put him down in my arms. The vet hugged me. And now my cat Blaze is missing looked everywhere so worried about him.

Loss isn’t just loosing a family member or friend its a feeling. A horrible feeling that creeps up on u when ur alone and laying in bed.

Endometriosis Awareness

So I’m not sure who will read this but this month is

ENDOMETRIOSIS AWARENESS MONTH

Most people won’t know what endometriosis is. Although it effects 1 in 10 women across the world.

It is the lining of the womb attaching to places outside the womb. Meaning it sticks organs together and bleed each month just like a normal period.

Here are some of the symptoms

– Heavy irregular periods

(Heavy enough to cause you to faint and become anaemic)

– Servere pain all month round

(This can cause people to pass out and vomit)

– Bloating

(You can bloat up more then 4 times bigger then ur usual dress size)

– Painful sex

– Painful bowel movements

– Hip pain

– Back pain

– Infertility

These are just some of the symptoms that wen with Endometriosis have to go thru. Right now there is no cure and no real treatment. We don’t get much support either as most people think it’s normal for a women and just regular period pains.

HERE’S MY EXPERIENCE

Not sure where to start. I was officially diagnosed in 2006 via laparoscopy. A key hole surgery so they can look in ur abnominal area. But my pain started since my periods began. With cramping and bleeding so heavy I was passing out and missing school.

No one understood and thought I was exaggerating the normal for every other women. My Foster mum atm even checked my sanitary pads to see if I was lying.

Even on the day of my laporoscopy my partner at the time threatened to leave me if they found nothing.

Since then I have had 11 operations including a hysterectomy as I was told it would cure me. (what a lie that was). My appendix removed as it was covered in endometriosis. And bladder reconstruction surgery due to endometriosis again.

I have had 6 miscarriages and thank good I have 2 gorgeous kids now.

I must have visited AnE more then 100 times to just here the doctors saying I’m after drugs. The truth is I have more morphine on my cupboards at home then a pharmacy has. If it worked I would not have gone to the hospital in the first place. I have been sent away after being told its just a urine infection. It gets to the point that I cry when a doctor actually knows what endometriosis is and actually helps me.

I pass out when I’m pooping due to pain and collapse random days. My stomach can go from flattish to 4 dress sizes in less then half hour. I cancel plans at the last minute and loose friends because of it.

Friends are a issue to me cause no one understands. Everyone has a friend that has endometriosis and they can work and go to gym and never cancel plans. So why do I. One person said I must have relatives from Africa as only black people get endometriosis (that’s her exact words, stupid I know)

I have my family and my partners family saying I fake it. This has to be one of the the loneliest illnesses. I myself have tried to commit suicide over this.

My reality is my days are unpredictable and painful. I smile everyday so no one notices the pain I’m in.

Mental Health and Endometriosis

No one tells you about this side of things. The emotional stress and depression that you suffer.

And it never goes away.

From suffering for years and no one taking you seriously, from being called a druggie and a drug seeker, in my case my partner at the time threatening to split up with me if nothing was found wrong with me, loosing job after job, the pain, the lack of sex and feeling useless, the feeling of if you can have kids will my daughter be affected and the guilt. Then there is what I am suffering from at the moment which no one understands.

The feeling of loss. This is the part I cant get help for and the part I cant tell anyone. Because when I tried I got a lot of backlash off it. I was fortunate enough to have 2 kids although went through 6 miscarriages. How weird is it that I would have a 18 year old right now. I always wanted a big family as I don’t have any family. Just wanted my kids to have some one when I am unable to function.

That’s not the loss I am on about even though I think of my other 6 children everyday I am suffering from another loss aswell.

In 2017 I was taking into surgery for a total hysterectomy due to my uterus being attached to one side of my bladder. Im not sure that is something I will ever get over. It may get easier some days but its still there every day. When I see women treating kids wrong they have loads of kids hows that fair, when I walk down the baby clothes isle (which I try to avoid). When Facebook shows me pics from years ago and its my kids as babies. when I go in hospital and they always ask if im pregnant and the ask if im sure. When jobs ask if I plan on having anymore. Or people who I have told forget and make a comment like bet you want another kids soon. Watching my children grow is an amazing thing but every year they have a birthday its a reminder I will never have a baby again.

No I tell some one this and all I get is your so lucky to have two already. I know I am and they are beautiful and gorgeous. but why can no one understand my loss. I have a friend who cant have kids at all and I do feel for I really do, she is one of my oldest friends but cant talk to her about this.

Every day I feel down but I have to carry on. Im finding its making me angry and like today I rehomed one of my gorgeous kittens and that set me off in tears. I don’t know why the idea of me never being pregnant again is getting me so upset and depressed.

Parenting

Does anyone actually know what they are doing?

How do we answer questions from a 6 and 3 year old when we dont know the answer?

How do we not laugh when they do something wrong but is really funny aswell?

How do we not cry 24/7?

I have a 3 and a 6 year old. My daughter is the 3 year old and such a little princess. Obviously she is gorgeous but she knows it. Everything is a race to her and she has to win.

“Dinner time Demi”

“Race mummy race, I win”

She races to the car, she races to the toilet she races everywhere. How do I teach a kid its ok to loose.

She is going through a faze of asking WHY WHY WHY

The latest ones are why is plane making clouds? Why the clouds on the floor? why are we having dinner? why am I going nursery? why is Riley my brother?

Then she doesn’t accept the answer.

Then we have my 6 year old son. He was given a £10 note from a friend for his birthday and shouted “I got dollars”

DOLLARS we are in England

Everything is “Really?” Now read that again with a teenage attitude.

I showed him my new tattoo on my wrist asked if he liked it. Without hesitation he said “Its alright for a night out”

WTH how does he know whats good for a night out. Does he have some secret life where he sneaks out and parties.

We were at his grandmas the other day she said I itch all over his first reaction was. ” “U must have flees and nits”.

Now do I tell him off for that or laugh.

Im not sure anyone knows what they are doing. Where is Mary Poppins when you need her.

Super Natural Story Lines

I am such a supernatural fan. Whether it be TRUE BLOOD, SUPERNATURAL, VAMPIRE DIARIES, TEEN WOLF or ne of my favourites TWILIGHT. OMG nearly forgot BUFFY.

Here is where it gets silly. Why do they differ so much. In some the vampires sparkle in sun light in others they burn and catch on fire in the sun. Then you have the zombies that in one film or series only walk or drag themselves. Then in others they can run just as fast as you. What about werewolves in one silver can kill them or even just touching a silver bullet will burn a werewolf. But in one series its not the silver its self but the family with the surname Argent which means silver.

I love them all but with so many conflicting descriptions of the characters it gets a little annoying.

Also why cant there just be territories, why is there always so many supernatural creatures in one place. It gets confusing. With werewolves, witches, vampires, banshees, spirits and shapeshifters all in the same shows. Cant one be in one town and the other in another and so forth keep to there own towns. Or why are they all fighting each other why not all help each other against hunters.

But after all this I LOVE Supernatural no one can stay mad a Sam and Dean (especially Dean OMG)

Whats your favourite?

When you stomach decides ur to fat

Well my body has a funny way of shocking me almost every week.

This maybe a short blog as feeling very dizzy. It is not Sunday and I haven’t eaten since Wednesday. My stomach has decided I need to loose some weight.

Its like ARE YOU SERIOUSLY I have already lost a stone (which I needed to). But this no eating thing is doing my head in.

I got a major headache on Wednesday night. I call it a ice cream headache the sort that feels like you have sharp poker being shoved through you brain. I put it down to a sinus headache as I have a cold.

Not kept food down since. Doctors wont help but lost half a stone.

Will try everyday to eat a little and hope I don’t throw up…..

To be continued……

The Truth about Endometriosis

I was diagnosed in 2006 at the age of 22. But the pain started years before.

This is going to go in depth so if you are squeamish this might not be the blog for you.

It all started at 14 when I got my period. The pain was horrendous and the bleeding was scary. I bleed for 11 days and went through 3 backs of pads. I was worried and scared but was told it was normal.

The periods carried on this way to the extent I was in a lesson and waited til everyone had left because I had bleed through onto the seat enough to make a puddle. But once again I was told this was normal.

I was a shy girl and did not know how to talk about things and even though I had 5 sisters was not close to any of them, so didn’t discuss anything with them. I was a lonely child.

At 16 I got pregnant and lost my baby at 4 months. It was devastating but was told it happens to everyone. Since then I have misscarragied 5 more babies due to endometriosis. They were all bad and scary.

Although one stands out. I got cramps and it wasn’t endo didn’t think nothing of it and didn’t know I was pregnant at the time. Then the bleeding started but this time it was different. I had misscarriaged before so I kinda knew. I went to the doctors and they confirmed the miscarriage although I had not passed all the tissue so was give a pill to help me pass the rest. The second pill i had to take at the hospital. It was heart breaking.

I arrived at the hospital and was taken to the maternity ward and put in a side room. I could hear women in labour and babies crying. The pain got worse and worse and I was alone. I passed the baby and the nurse asked me if I wanted to look. Who asks that question I was not far gone so my baby was more blood then anything else. I told her something didn’t feel right. But 10 mins after I miscarried she sent me home. I walked home alone that night. It was around 10 at night.

I was going to a car show and felt fine just slight back ache. Whilst there the craps started again, I managed to hide it and on the way home I asked the friend drive to take it easy as pain was bad. he was a dick and thought it was funny to go the route with all the speed bumps. By the time I got back to my area I asked him to drop me off at the hospital. I was in agony but no one came with me. I told the receptionist what was happening, by this time I was bleeding all down my legs and informed them this and told to just sit down. I called a friend to bring me pads and I was changing all the time. The waiting room was packed and there was blood all over me. I finally got taken in and was told until they confirm I was actually miscarriaging they would not give me pain meds. I was made to walk to the toilets every time I felt I was bleeding or passing my baby. They even brought in gas and air for me as soon as it was confirmed. The pain stopped after I passed large tissue. I had a scan to reveal that it still wasn’t over. A week later they called me in for a DNC.

Although all miscarriages are bad that’s the one that haunts me the most.

There are so many lies about endometriosis. I fell for one of them. The one that says a hysterectomy cures Endo. I had a total hysterectomy 2 years ago yesterday and its been my biggest regret. I have 2 gorgeous babies and would not change them for the world. But having the choice taken away to have more is devastating.

I have had 11 operations due to endometriosis.

When I had my first operation to diagnose me my partner at the time did not believe me and told me if they find nothing he is leaving me.

Everything is worse now. Sex is painful, shitting is painful, I swell up 2 dress sizes in minutes, I cant exercise much, lost multiple jobs, have more operations coming. The pain is unbearable some days to the point I throw up and pass out.

The part that is the worse is that people don’t believe you. They don’t understand that you are in agony but have to carry on your day anyway. I have had people not believe I have had operations cause I bounce back fast. What they don’t understand is the pain from the operations including the hysterectomy is nothing compared to endometriosis pain.

I have had doctors say I go to hospital to get meds. I go to hospital when its got to the point that the morphine I have at home is not working anymore and im in so much pain I cant cope. I have had ambulances refuse to take me to hospital because its an on going condition I should know the signs.

That’s a picture of my belly swollen leaving me in pain and unable to move much.

Endometriosis is a terrible disease and barely anyone knows about it

OOOOH IM PISSED

OK as I have mentioned before I am streamer. I stream on 2 websites. One is a purely gaming site although you can do some IRL on there. The other is a gaming and adult site. So you can game and play with yourself at the same time.

I am poorly and have been signed off for a while. Like 6 months or so. Due to passing out and my heart randomly stopping.

The reason I am annoyed is the way guys treat girls on these sites. I will add its not all guys. Heres the issue I can sit butt naked and have dildos in every hole (FYI I don’t do that) on the adult site and its all fine and im so sexy and amazing. Im gods gift and they totally respect me and give me money.. But I sit in vest top on a hot day or do a workout stream on Twitch, then im a THOT (That Hoe Over There).

Who is anyone to judge yes I have big tits but what the hell. Get over yourself. Im actually a good COD player to but because I have big tits im a THOT. No mate your a judgemental prick.

Its the age old argument about a guy can sleep with hundreds of women but a girl sleeps with 50 men and shes a whore.

Women need to stop being judged.

OK RANT OVER

Gonna try Yoga with the girls.

So these are my worries and thoughts before I go tomorrow night.

For some reason the girls thought Yoga would be a good idea. They are obviously trying to be funny. I have to be the least flexible person they know. Not just that my balance is ridiculous I walk in to door frames and walls on a regular basis.

Now heres a few of my fears. Don’t laugh this is reality.

Firstly I have had kids and bladder reconstruction surgery. Peeing a little is a big possibility, trust me it doesn’t take much. how will I explain the wet patch.

Secondly but surely every one that does yoga is worried about this. Its the farting. A bend in the wrong direction and PUUUFFFFF its in some ones face.

Then theres the yoga pants that may rip. My sweaty bum in the air all laid bare lol.

Well that’s my thoughts for Yoga tomorrow. The girls are gonna be laughing.

Things I keep hidden

I have changed my name in hope my friends don’t find this. But I wanna tell the story of my real life. The way I feel inside.

I am writing this because some time you just have to let it all out. The sadness and the anger but you don’t know who to tell.

Everyday I wake up with a sadness in my heart. Everything a human enjoys I have lost. I have a deep saddening and even though there is a lot going on and I normally pull myself out of this rut, for some reason this time I cant.

To this date I have lost 6 babies, but I am grateful and love my two gorgeous kids that did survive. I suffered from Post Natal Depression with my first and couldn’t hold or deal with him for the first few weeks. I was lucky it didn’t last longer.

I have Endometriosis that was diagnosed in 2006. It was a fight to get diagnosed and has been a fight ever since. From 11 operations including my appendix being removed, a hysterectomy and the rest were removal of endo. My body has scars and miss shaped from surgery’s.

But all this has been a fight from doctors saying its not real and its only period pains, to being called a druggy at the hospital even though I have plenty of morphine at home. Being told I cant have an ambulance out after I collapse cause its an existing condition. To fight for every operation that I need to have to try to keep endometriosis at bay. The fact sex is impossible without pain and even taking a shit is one of the lost painful things I have experienced to the point im throwing up and passing out. But once again not being believed.

Then theres the Fibromyalgia. The full body aching, easily bruising, tiredness, forgetfulness and the brain fog. I can drive from one place to another and not remember a thing about my journey, I forget peoples name sand have to write stuff down.

I cancel doing things with friends often but they think Im being boring or lazy. I pass out on nights out and people think im to drunk. As soon as you say what you have wrong with you people always know some one that’s worse and still copes.

The nights laying in bed crying in pain but you have no one to hold you. the loneliness and isolation. Remember the days I wore nothing but heels and didn’t have to worry about my stomach swelling up 2 dress sizes and people asking if im pregnant. No one understanding how I still get upset walking down the baby isle even though I have two kids.

People saying how lucky I am because I get a disability car but I would love to pay my own way. The realisation of knowing I will never own my own home or I could die.

This is not a sob story, I just need to release some feelings.