Author: The Broken Girl

Im the girl that tries harder than most but is never loved or wanted.

Last week

Things have been a little hectic. I finally went to my pre-op. they found  heart murmur.

Although that sounds bad maybe they have finally found the reason for my heart attack and my passing out. But what does this actually mean for me.

Its also been suggested this week that I am showing signs of early dementia. IM 34. I agree I forget things, have trouble speaking sometimes, get lost and confused easy but can it really be dementia.

I also find out this week if I still have a job next month as was only a temp position. fingers crossed I have two kids kinda need this job.

my dog also has lump developed on her back im preying the vet gives me good news on that have already lost 2 pets this year.

I have an MRI tomorrow I hate them though as it so closed in. im not clostraphobic at all just don’t like been held down and that’s what it feels like. your so restricted on movement. And I have cardiology on Thursday.

Lets hope the weeks just get better xxx

How do u live ur life knowing ur not meant to be here.

I look back and trying to find happiness in my past but there is none. Even when my kids were born it was surrounded by selfishness and anger.

Every night I lay alone. Thinking of how my parents didn’t even want me. And now every man I have been with has either used me of abused me.

Some say its my fault and look to future.

But what future, more operations, more pain.

They say carry on for ur kids but is it fair they see mummy in and out of hospital. Or living less then half a life, faking a smile and fighting back tears. Loosing my temper quickly cause life is to much pressure.

I barely bring up my kids, I barely get a say. Yes I live with them but I don’t get to say when they go bed or whether they should be on a games console.

I work to provide, but that makes me a bad mum.

I lost 6 babies before I had mine. No one cares though. The births were ruin. No one threw me a baby shower. My family haven’t even visited even after begging them.

Not sure they would miss me. The certainly wouldn’t notice straight away.

It’s gets to about 7pm and I get ushered to my room so my ex can play xbox and the dog won’t whine.

Where’s my love and cuddles. Where’s my happy family.

Where’s my best mates. I collapse twice and they don’t wanna know. The party girl that gets called for a good time.

I’m just a good actress that’s it. But I’m also selfish for wanting to leave this world.

Endometriosis and the Medical Profesionals

I think I spelt the title wrong.

But maybe I can be forgiven after the last few days.

I went to Wales last weekend as our first family holiday. Was so nice and gorgeous there. We went for my daughters 4th birthday.

Then on Monday after working for half a day I went to see Lukas Graham in concert. His voice is amazing live.

The reason I am writing today and may ramble a little as on a lot of Morphine right now is because since Sunday I have been in agony. It has got to the point I am unable to walk properly, need help to the toilet and cant do anything for myself.

Now my work don’t know how ill I am. So yesterday instead of my usual suit trousers I wear to work I figured I could get away with black jeans. This did not go down well and was given a warning. How do I explain to my two male bosses that when I get on pain my tummy swells to the size of a 6 month pregnant women and my suit trousers will rip. Today I have had to buy a size 16 pair of trousers which is 2 sizes bigger then what I am and a belt.

Today the pain got horrendous and I dialled the 111 service as after 83 calls to the doctor I could not get an appointment.

The paramedic that I spoke to on the phone was great he knew what endo was he understood about it all. He called an ambulance. This is where it all turnt bad. After a 50 min wait 3 paramedics turnt up. Now one of them was great he knew exactly what endo was to the point he was asking questions the specialist does. The other two where not so nice here is a few things that were said to me.

  • if you have the meds why call us.
  • doctors can deal with this
  • your blood pressure and pulse are fine
  • why do I not just go to bed
  • if you collapse don’t call us back here.

Well heres my argument. My meds are not working I don’t call them for the fun of it. Doctors wont deal with the pain when its this bad as they can prescribe anymore then I already have. My blood pressure is naturally low to the point when I do go to hospital they wake me up in the night to walk around to raise it. My pulse is naturally sat around 51. which is really low. when they checked me my blood pressure was 128/91. Which for most people is normal but not for me. The pulse rate was 89 now considering its usually 51 that’s really high for me to. Next I have tried being in bed, ive tried a bath, ive tried sitting standing, falling and laying its not helping and im unable to sleep. The next one really annoyed me. So if I collapse no one can call an ambulance for me.

So right now I am sat downstairs dreading the next tine I need to go loo, on the most amount of meds I can take still in agony.

I would not wish this illness on anyone. The NHS need to study about Endometriosis its a common illness.

Nothing has changed

Last week about this time I tried to kill myself. Its like it never happened. The people who do know I’m kot sure they care. Was even called selfish by one of them.

I’m guessing as there are so many that do things like this for attention society don’t see when it was real.

I have no idea how I survived, I research what I needed to take and even took extra on top. But I’m here.

 

People will say its for a reason. I don’t believe in the high power and stuff. Ur here cause u were born nothing else.

Life will plod along. With half my mind on the real word and half in a thunder cloud.

Suicide

I seem to be all doom and gloom lately.

It got to the point I couldn’t cope. Thinking going out with a gf would help.

It didn’t and last night I tried to kill myself

I did research and took the amount of meds it said would kill me. So why am I still here

I don’t believe in the  ‘I’m alive for a reason’.

I wrote my note I settled in bed. Put some music on and layed down. And I felt so warm and relaxed. It was the best I had felt in ages. I finally fell asleep.

But I was woken up by my ex (we live together as I’m disabled)

He has acted like nothing has happened. Helped me in a bath and to the toilet while I’m bringing sick. But won’t talk about last night or why I did it.

So here’s why

I’m just so alone. I can say I only really have 2 good friends and they live miles away.

I have to go work tomorrow and I know I will come home in agony.

Everyday is a pain day now.

I go to bed at 7 every night so my ex can game online.

So I sit in my room doing nothing

I know I will be called selfish as I have kids, but all they see is mummy in pain and in the hospital constantly.

Life has just got to hard. I have no mum or dad. My 5 sisters don’t wanna know me. Who do I run to to talk.

 

 

 

 

Depression

I understand why people kill themselves

No its not selfish. I hate it when people say that. Most of the time it’s due to loneliness.

U can have a million people around but feel like the only person in the world.

 

The reason I am writing this.

I’m sick of being alone. And always the one in the wrong.

 

I have had 11 operations and done them all alone,

I have no family as the disowned me. At the age of 14. No I wasn’t a bad child I just wasn’t my dad’s child so always the outsider. I got blamed for everything. From bending a book (I got a slap round my face for that) – to getting blamed when I was sexually assaulted.

I have had 6 miscarriages.

No friends that actually care. Not exaggerating. No one visits me at hospital when I mention anything or disagree with them I get told I to self obsessed.

I have endometriosis, fibro, heart issues and am I pain daily.

I have lost job after job due to collapsing.

I get ridiculed when I don’t stick to plans cause I’m in agony.

I get told I’m faking my illnesses. Cause obviously surgeons love wasting there time and operating.

I’m in a rediculous amount of debt.

So I ask again why do I bother.

 

My debts are thru the roof.

I use to self harm but that’s not enough anymore. I go to the doctors and I told im coping fine.

No family, no friends, no partner, no support.

Why bother

Do u every wonder why u even try sometimes.

Was in a a good mood today. Got the news my surgery is going ahead will be a big one. My ovaries are coming out, my bowel and bladder are being reconstructed and scar tissue and endo being removed.

 

But nopw I come home to stream to earn money a barely have 2 pennies to run together. I was one of the 4 girls that opened the site nd also the only one remaining.

Every time I stream I get other streamers or there friends promoting themselves in my stream. I get trolls sent to my stream. The attitude from there so caped mods are a joke. And the they say the reason I clash with them is cause I’m English.

Proves racism is both ways.

I have stepped up my game. Put myself in pain. There augment system is a joke. Ur lucky if u get ur money.

CHATURBATE HERE I COME

The troubles of an online streamer.

There are many things u have to deal with as a streamer.

The hours

The trolls

Other streamers

Which site

Being alone

The expense

 

The hours are hard work when being a streamer. U need to be on at prime time. Which for me is 7pm onwards so late nights for me. And having 2 kids makes early mornings to.

The trolls are a nightmare. The recent ones have been from another girls stream to try to faze me. It didn’t work trolls don’t work on me they either end up staying or give up.  British we were born sarcastic.

Other streamers will try to under cut u on goals and chat behind ur back to cause issues.

Which site there are so many. My site of choice is plexstorm. But there are alot others to try.

Then there is the loneliness. I can’t tell many people what I do as they judge. I lay in bed alone after the stream as can’t have a bf while doing this.

The expense is new underwear and toys and drinks and pc set up. Takes a while to make it back.

 

Streaming is harder then it looks