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oh shit i think im in trouble

so anyone that reads my blog u will know i have trouble with suicide and self harm

Tonight is different

I dont particulary feel depressed but something isnt right, its hard to explain. i think i have something wrong with me schizophrenia maybe, there is something worng.

I have been down all day fighting thoughts but i dont know i took the kids out today had a great day and now have the very very overwhelming thought that i can go now. like my mind is at peice. I had a god day with them. something they can remember. i was fine and its just hit me like a truck. my mind is saying it fine to leave now. i can go. i did my job.

but lately i cant control my thoughts or actions. my arm is cut to ribbons and my mind has been manic but now its calm. my mind and body is saying its ok now its time.

now im scared

im alone

i cant ask anyone to help as did that and lost everyone

crap

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How whales die

So scrolling thru TikTok as i normally do i came accross a gorgeous women who said

Whales dont die of old age they just eventually get so tired they just drown.#

How sad is that. To think u spend your whole life swimming and taking water for granted to just be killed it.

……………………………………………………………………………………….

Maybe thats what we are doing slowly drowning in our own lives and when we die its because our body and minds are just too tired to carry on.

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Nothing to say

Lately i have wanted to write in here so much but i start and then my mind goes blank and i cant find the words to write down. So after starting yet another blog which has ended up in the drafts i have decided just to type whatever comes into my head.

So, been crying a lot lately and been very insecure. My looks, my weight, my relationship, my parenting and my mental health.

At present i have 13 unfinished blogs in my drafts, maybe one day i will post them but for now they are not finished.

Does anyone else hold grudges. I have one i just cant let go of and its starting to get to me. The anger, the upset.

But i have blogged about it before.

I was considering counselling but that would mean speaking about my past which if u have read my other blogs u would know thats not a good idea. So what do i do as i cant seem to let it go.

So here it goes again maybe getting my anger out on here will settle me. So wont go thru its all but basically my partners ex stopped me seeing my mum before she died and then stopped me going to her funeral.

Now i know what u think nothing would stop u in those circumstances, well if u have read my blogs u would know that the day i found out my mum had 2 days to live i was in hospital on ALOT of morphine and was unable to drive the 3 hours to see her myself. She stopped my partner from taking me due to threatening to take his kids from him.

His whole family are on her side and dont even know what she did. Her mum died a few weeks before mine. i sent my partner her ex round with flowers which i brought to give her a hug and made sure he told her he would take the kids as long as she needed. And what did i get, i got phone calls of my partners sisters abusing me and threatening me, and being threatened in the local club.

My partners mum writes posts on facebook about how his ex is such an amazing person and mum. I have been with my partner a year and none of his family want to know me. I thought when i got with him my kids would have more family and instead she wont even visit her real grandkids at our house. I post pics on her sons wall and she wont even like them.

But his ex has them round and gets invited invited to dinners and parties.

I love my partners kids but they have been treated like babies, The youngest turns up with bruises including on his face and cant speak. He is nearly 5. I have taught him to dress himself and put his shoes on. Neither of them knew how to do puzzles i have sat and done them with them. I played a board game with him and its obvious he hasnt played one before.

The oldest is the sweetest boy, but brought him presents for his bday he went to take them home and she stood at the door and refused to let him in with his own pressies. He is 8 imagine how he felt. And now he has learnt how to lie. I tell him no and his natural response is i miss mummy. She has treated them like babies for so long they dont know how to act there age.

But there she is sitting pretty, being praised at every turn she takes. She brought her son cereal for his bday. He got more food for his bday then presents. And yes she has money.

Anyway thats enough from me for the night.

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Mothers Day

Growing up was hard and i was moved round alot. Growing up i had 4 mums. None of them are here today.

My real mum tried her best to protect me, but also had a hand in what happened. She tried to make it up to me but it pushed us further apart. I was so ill when i was told she had only days to live. I couldnt get there by myself and no one would take me. She died without me saying goodbye.

Barbara was my next mum she was always there for me and took me in when i was left at home alone, or run away, or when my family didnt want me. My happiest memories are with barbara, horse riding, her curries, the hugs, she took me in with no hesitation. She died last year, the day before her funeral my kids dad locked them in a house. I missed her funeral getting my kids back i think she would have been ok with that.

Cathy was such an amazing lady, when i ran away at 14 she under no hesitate took me in, treated me like her family. Made a room for me, shopping trips and lots of fun. She herself was ill with parkinsons and sadly lost the fight last year to.

Then we have Teresa. She didnt even know my situation but something inside her made her want t protect me. she brought me lunches at work, we laughed and she asked me to call her mum. She didnt come into work one day cause she suffered from migraines, i thought nothing of it. That night i got a call saying she had lost her sight and died half hour later. A call you never want to get.

So people are celebrating mothers day today. but i dont want to, i wanna have hugs and stay in bed. I want today to end. My mums are not here. The first year after they have died and no one has even released this might be hard for me. The reason being is no one cares. Anyone that did care ha died.

Life is a Tornado in a Hurricane

People say we make our own luck.

Is this true? If it is I made my luck out of a shit storm.

Shit after shit flies at me and i was never good at sports so they all manage to hit.

Is reincarnation real. Am I the human version of the dung beetle. Will i be a princess in the next life in some far away paradise. Just for enduring all this pain and hate.

Be positive they say. (love to see them try)

Smile it wont crack your makeup. Ok firstly im 35 now so need this makeup and secondly you smile with out crying after the week i have had.

OK HERE GOES…

Was taken into hospital in SOOO much pain last Monday by ambulance at my kids school. On gas and air, alot or morphine plus more. To be finally given the Prostap injection. A small dose of chemo meds.

While i was in on Monday I got a text off a neice asking me to call my sister. To find out my mum had about 2 days to live. I broke down and discharged myself.

I found out she was in Yorkshire only 2 hours up the road. I asked for her address a while ago and was lied to and told she lived down south in Sandwich, Kent. This was a deliberate lie. No wonder i never got a christmas card back or a phone call.

I was far to ill to travel but kept in contact. Wednesday was the day we were going to see her. Got my kids sorted and my partner sorted his kids. I would have about 2 hours with mum. Only to have his ex girlfriend cancel all the plans so we had to turn around.

Mum died 4am the next morning. I never made it in time. Never got to hold her hand and say i love u. Give her a kiss on the head and say it was ok to sleep now. I will never see her again.

Come Monday and i am back at work. Meeting after meeting. To be told I only get the day my mum died, a day for the funeral plans and the day of the funeral as compassionate leave. The rest I need to use my holiday and because i never actually saw her I should have come in to work the days before her death.

I was considering seeing my mums body on Thursday but have been told I have to be in work Friday but I wouldnt be able to face it if i see my mum laying there all cold and lifeless.

I was told today that whats happened to me over the last few months cant be true as no one has that much bad luck.

And on top of that i have found out my daughter has been hurt by her own grandma. My son describes it in so much detail its heartbreaking. I should have listened to my gut instinct. So now have police involved with that. From her being dragged round by her arm and screaming, to a very suspicious round burn on her hand and bruises on her back.

If other people cant believe all of whats happened how do i deal with it. I know at some point this is all gonna crash around me and i will just break down. But for now i will fake the smile as best I can for my kids and cry when im alone.

Mum died today

Today I found out my mum died about 4am. I was going to see her today. Now she isn’t here anymore.

I’m gonna break. And I can’t stop it.

Another mum of mine who took me in when I was cast out by mine has lung and brain cancer and doesn’t have long either.

My Foster mum died 2 weeks ago.

How do I cope with this. Can’t stop crying, I’m lashing out at people who are trying to help.

My mental health isn’t great anyway. I feel numb, confused, alone.

Can’t stay awake, endo pain is bad.

Where do I turn. Do I take my meds and block it all out.

Tried to call doctors as if I break I will end up in mental health unit again. Trying not to self harm. It’s hard people don’t understand.

Just want to numb it all, stop the random crying and give up.

What would u do?