Tag: women

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Nothing to say

Lately i have wanted to write in here so much but i start and then my mind goes blank and i cant find the words to write down. So after starting yet another blog which has ended up in the drafts i have decided just to type whatever comes into my head.

So, been crying a lot lately and been very insecure. My looks, my weight, my relationship, my parenting and my mental health.

At present i have 13 unfinished blogs in my drafts, maybe one day i will post them but for now they are not finished.

Does anyone else hold grudges. I have one i just cant let go of and its starting to get to me. The anger, the upset.

But i have blogged about it before.

I was considering counselling but that would mean speaking about my past which if u have read my other blogs u would know thats not a good idea. So what do i do as i cant seem to let it go.

So here it goes again maybe getting my anger out on here will settle me. So wont go thru its all but basically my partners ex stopped me seeing my mum before she died and then stopped me going to her funeral.

Now i know what u think nothing would stop u in those circumstances, well if u have read my blogs u would know that the day i found out my mum had 2 days to live i was in hospital on ALOT of morphine and was unable to drive the 3 hours to see her myself. She stopped my partner from taking me due to threatening to take his kids from him.

His whole family are on her side and dont even know what she did. Her mum died a few weeks before mine. i sent my partner her ex round with flowers which i brought to give her a hug and made sure he told her he would take the kids as long as she needed. And what did i get, i got phone calls of my partners sisters abusing me and threatening me, and being threatened in the local club.

My partners mum writes posts on facebook about how his ex is such an amazing person and mum. I have been with my partner a year and none of his family want to know me. I thought when i got with him my kids would have more family and instead she wont even visit her real grandkids at our house. I post pics on her sons wall and she wont even like them.

But his ex has them round and gets invited invited to dinners and parties.

I love my partners kids but they have been treated like babies, The youngest turns up with bruises including on his face and cant speak. He is nearly 5. I have taught him to dress himself and put his shoes on. Neither of them knew how to do puzzles i have sat and done them with them. I played  a board game with him and its obvious he hasnt played one before.

The oldest is the sweetest boy, but brought him presents for his bday he went to take them home and she stood at the door and refused to let him in with his own pressies. He is 8 imagine how he felt. And now he has learnt how to lie. I tell him no and his natural response is i miss mummy. She has treated them like babies for so long they dont know how to act there age.

But there she is sitting pretty, being praised at every turn she takes. She brought her son cereal for his bday. He got more food for his bday then presents. And yes she has money.

Anyway thats enough from me for the night.

 

Featured

BPD and the lockdown

So just wondering who out there s dealing with a metal health disorder while on lockdown.

Obviously there is loads but what about a personality disorder. Not to mention going through the menapause at the age of 35.

Im starting to go a little crazy tbh. im stressy, hyper, depressed and sleepy all in the same day. Its like an emotional merry go round. Having 2 kids one 5 and one 7 locked in a house is crazy. We have done painting, stained glass, planets, games, i have spent a fortune.

Last night i had 3 nightmares all included loosing a child. So even though i was upset i got up and tried my best today. took the dog and kids out, cleaned, been dancing round the house, trying.

 

Lets see how long i can keep up with this positive attitude and fitness. Lets hope i sleep tonight.

OOOOOOH the anger (but am i right to be angry?

How does anyone know if there anger is truly justified?

Chest is hearting AGAIN.

Im working hard sending my kids to morning club and after school club to show them you work for what u get. but tbh what do i get in return. Kids i barely get to see, who are tired. Me being ill barely able to stay awake past 7 and a huge strain on my relationship, thats if i even have one anymore.

Major surgery soon which should be a huge worry but with everything thats the thing i am least worried about the most.

People dot see how ill i am. WHY? Cause i dont play on it and im not a wimp. YES so now its classed as my fault cause i dont show it or remind people every 20 minutes. I smile through the pain of a full time job on barely no sleep, and i walk normally when people are watching me but hold my breath the whole time to mask the pain, taking a big breath when they turn away. I make out its me being old.

 

BUT people close to me should know this, they should know me well enough to see when im struggling. im glad the 50 year old women can work fulltime and then cook a 4 course meal and shop and change the beds. I CANT.

I start work in pain and finish work in pain and thats only half my day done. But i keep going for my kids.

Where does my life go from here. Im loosing my health, my house and my sanity.  I dont even know where my relationship is at right now. I dont even know if there is trust anymore. Without trust there is no relationship.

I am not blaming anyone, its me i know it is. All my relationships have gone the same. I fall in love to fast and the guy relaxes leaving me feeling lonely and cold. I give way to much time, money and effort way to fast. I end up laying in bed unable to sleep with a million things running thru my head.

I know i need to change but i dont know how. Where do i start?

All i want is to be taken care of, to be the one in focus for just a little while everyday.

You know what i want is to be considered. I am sick of waiting for a guy to want me. Im sick of being in relationships and waiting for guys to commit. Be with them months or years and have no commitment for them to be in other relationships 5 mins and have moved in or a ring on the womens finger. Why should i wait. what are they waiting for? Why am i not good enough for them to want a future with me or want to take the next step.

SICK OF WAITING. SICK OF NOT BEING CONSIDERED. SICK OF COMMITMENT BEING THE LAST RESORT.

 

 

 

IM BACK!!!!

So here I am writing again. Its 2.14am, and I’m due at work I’m under 5 hours.

My nights have been like this a lot lately. I don’t really sleep anymore. I just have this blurry feeling in my head and a faint buzzing.

Is this what insomnia feels like. Or can I just not sleep.

Always a lot going on in my life. I think ‘good luck’ has up and fucked off. Listened to his evil twin ‘bad luck’ and just swapped places.

Last week was hard and my endometriosis kicked my butt. took morphine for the first time at my new job. It was worse then it has been in a while. to the point where my jeans touching the left pelvic area even for a split second in the bathroom made me drop to the floor and hit my head.

But I made it thru the day with just one person noticing.

Is it wrong that I’m getting annoyed at people being fussed around cause they have a headache or something similar. when I’m sitting in agony knowing I should be in the hospital. But that’s my fault as I don’t tell anyone.

I say I don’t want sympathy but a simple are u ok do you need a hug would be nice.

Just to have some one hold me and tell me it will be over soon and the pain will subside. For me to fall asleep in there arms. I miss that. been years since anyone cared about me enough. Even friends are not like that.

I haven’t had anymore suicide attempts although I did self harm. Which I hate myself for, some times its the only way to release the stress, pain and anger I feel inside. Do others have issues coping like I do? Whats wrong with me that I cant cope?

I have seen mental health doctors before but they all say I’m fine. CLEARLY IM NOT.

I was even taken into a mental health unit for 2 weeks. where I was diagnosed with Manic Depression, most commonly know as Bipolar. I was later then rediagnosed with Borderline personality disorder. I was told it cant be bipolar because I don’t run down the street naked.

But I am on no medication and don’t see councillors. I choose not to see them because all they wanna do is talk about my past. Which I have worked so hard to block out. They start me talking then the nightmares start again. I cant deal with that. Right now they are few and far between. But when I start speaking about them they are every night.

I still see random things, like shadows and spiders that are not there. but they said as long as I don’t here voices I am fine.

I have had the heart monitor fitted and see the heart specialist on Friday. And see my pre op doctor on Thursday regarding my endo op.

I’m not sure how I will handle the operation for Endo. It is to take out my ovaries. I’m scared it will send me into a spiral. When I had my womb removed it took over a year to handle it emotionally and I still have moments now where I struggle and cry. To have babies again. I cant even look at the facebook memories of my kids when they were young. its silly and I cant talk to anyone including councillors as I always get the same response. “you have 2 kids already u should be happy, some people cant have kids”

It makes me even more upset, as I have no one to discuss it with.

I barely see my kids atm and I hate it. I have to work so that they can have a good up bringing but I just seem to get on more debt. I get home at about 6 and they go bed around 7. At weekends there nan who hates me for being ill and working. She thinks I cant be as ill as I have said cause she sits on her arse so how can I work. So she has them on the Friday night. I see my kids for about 2 days a week. I hate it but money has to be earnt. I hate that I cant take them places.

The guilt I feel is unbelievable. hope they know I love them.

These are the times I resent people who can just ask mummy and daddy for help. I have no cooker atm but have no money to get one. I’m even selling naked pics of me online cause we need money so bad. But I don’t have family. I have no one to talk to and fall back on for support. Its just me dealing with all this.

I was told by some one at work I’m the most positive person there. I’m not I can just fake it. They don’t know I’m dying inside and holding back tears.

Will things ever change. I don’t think I’m a bad person, I work hard and try my best. I try to be nice to everyone. So when do I get a break.

 

Endometriosis and the Medical Profesionals

I think I spelt the title wrong.

But maybe I can be forgiven after the last few days.

I went to Wales last weekend as our first family holiday. Was so nice and gorgeous there. We went for my daughters 4th birthday.

Then on Monday after working for half a day I went to see Lukas Graham in concert. His voice is amazing live.

The reason I am writing today and may ramble a little as on a lot of Morphine right now is because since Sunday I have been in agony. It has got to the point I am unable to walk properly, need help to the toilet and cant do anything for myself.

Now my work don’t know how ill I am. So yesterday instead of my usual suit trousers I wear to work I figured I could get away with black jeans. This did not go down well and was given a warning. How do I explain to my two male bosses that when I get on pain my tummy swells to the size of a 6 month pregnant women and my suit trousers will rip. Today I have had to buy a size 16 pair of trousers which is 2 sizes bigger then what I am and a belt.

Today the pain got horrendous and I dialled the 111 service as after 83 calls to the doctor I could not get an appointment.

The paramedic that I spoke to on the phone was great he knew what endo was he understood about it all. He called an ambulance. This is where it all turnt bad. After a 50 min wait 3 paramedics turnt up. Now one of them was great he knew exactly what endo was to the point he was asking questions the specialist does. The other two where not so nice here is a few things that were said to me.

  • if you have the meds why call us.
  • doctors can deal with this
  • your blood pressure and pulse are fine
  • why do I not just go to bed
  • if you collapse don’t call us back here.

Well heres my argument. My meds are not working I don’t call them for the fun of it. Doctors wont deal with the pain when its this bad as they can prescribe anymore then I already have. My blood pressure is naturally low to the point when I do go to hospital they wake me up in the night to walk around to raise it. My pulse is naturally sat around 51. which is really low. when they checked me my blood pressure was 128/91. Which for most people is normal but not for me. The pulse rate was 89 now considering its usually 51 that’s really high for me to. Next I have tried being in bed, ive tried a bath, ive tried sitting standing, falling and laying its not helping and im unable to sleep. The next one really annoyed me. So if I collapse no one can call an ambulance for me.

So right now I am sat downstairs dreading the next tine I need to go loo, on the most amount of meds I can take still in agony.

I would not wish this illness on anyone. The NHS need to study about Endometriosis its a common illness.

Endometriosis Awareness

So I’m not sure who will read this but this month is

ENDOMETRIOSIS AWARENESS MONTH

Most people won’t know what endometriosis is. Although it effects 1 in 10 women across the world.

It is the lining of the womb attaching to places outside the womb. Meaning it sticks organs together and bleed each month just like a normal period.

Here are some of the symptoms

– Heavy irregular periods

(Heavy enough to cause you to faint and become anaemic)

– Servere pain all month round

(This can cause people to pass out and vomit)

– Bloating

(You can bloat up more then 4 times bigger then ur usual dress size)

– Painful sex

– Painful bowel movements

– Hip pain

– Back pain

– Infertility

These are just some of the symptoms that wen with Endometriosis have to go thru. Right now there is no cure and no real treatment. We don’t get much support either as most people think it’s normal for a women and just regular period pains.

HERE’S MY EXPERIENCE

Not sure where to start. I was officially diagnosed in 2006 via laparoscopy. A key hole surgery so they can look in ur abnominal area. But my pain started since my periods began. With cramping and bleeding so heavy I was passing out and missing school.

No one understood and thought I was exaggerating the normal for every other women. My Foster mum atm even checked my sanitary pads to see if I was lying.

Even on the day of my laporoscopy my partner at the time threatened to leave me if they found nothing.

Since then I have had 11 operations including a hysterectomy as I was told it would cure me. (what a lie that was). My appendix removed as it was covered in endometriosis. And bladder reconstruction surgery due to endometriosis again.

I have had 6 miscarriages and thank good I have 2 gorgeous kids now.

I must have visited AnE more then 100 times to just here the doctors saying I’m after drugs. The truth is I have more morphine on my cupboards at home then a pharmacy has. If it worked I would not have gone to the hospital in the first place. I have been sent away after being told its just a urine infection. It gets to the point that I cry when a doctor actually knows what endometriosis is and actually helps me.

I pass out when I’m pooping due to pain and collapse random days. My stomach can go from flattish to 4 dress sizes in less then half hour. I cancel plans at the last minute and loose friends because of it.

Friends are a issue to me cause no one understands. Everyone has a friend that has endometriosis and they can work and go to gym and never cancel plans. So why do I.  One person said I must have relatives from Africa as only black people get endometriosis (that’s her exact words, stupid I know)

I have my family and my partners family saying I fake it. This has to be one of the the loneliest illnesses. I myself have tried to commit suicide over this.

My reality is my days are unpredictable and painful. I smile everyday so no one notices the pain I’m in.

Mental Health and Endometriosis

No one tells you about this side of things. The emotional stress and depression that you suffer.

And it never goes away.

From suffering for years and no one taking you seriously, from being called a druggie and a drug seeker, in my case my partner at the time threatening to split up with me if nothing was found wrong with me, loosing job after job, the pain, the lack of sex and feeling useless, the feeling of if you can have kids will my daughter be affected and the guilt. Then there is what I am suffering from at the moment which no one understands.

The feeling of loss. This is the part I cant get help for and the part I cant tell anyone. Because when I tried I got a lot of backlash off it. I was fortunate enough to have 2 kids although went through 6 miscarriages. How weird is it that I would have a 18 year old right now. I always wanted a big family as I don’t have any family. Just wanted my kids to have some one when I am unable to function.

That’s not the loss I am on about even though I think of my other 6 children everyday I am suffering from another loss aswell.

In 2017 I was taking into surgery for a total hysterectomy due to my uterus being attached to one side of my bladder. Im not sure that is something I will ever get over. It may get easier some days but its still there every day. When I see women treating kids wrong they have loads of kids hows that fair, when I walk down the baby clothes isle (which I try to avoid). When Facebook shows me pics from years ago and its my kids as babies. when I go in hospital and they always ask if im pregnant and the ask if im sure. When jobs ask if I plan on having anymore. Or people who I have told forget and make a comment like bet you want another kids soon. Watching my children grow is an amazing thing but every year they have a birthday its a reminder I will never have a baby again.

No I tell some one this and all I get is your so lucky to have two already. I know I am and they are beautiful and gorgeous. but why can no one understand my loss. I have a friend who cant have kids at all and I do feel for I really do, she is one of my oldest friends but cant talk to her about this.

Every day I feel down but I have to carry on. Im finding its making me angry and like today I rehomed one of my gorgeous kittens and that set me off in tears. I don’t know why the idea of me never being pregnant again is getting me so upset and depressed.

The views I have that get me into trouble

Maybe im just an old fashioned girl, maybe we are all right or maybe i am just plain wrong.

I have these views and opinions that I can seem to tell people about without getting evil looks or criticized.

So brace yourselves, here goes nothing……

BENEFITS

The world has changed and this we all agree on but I also think people have got lazier. Where has the generation of workers gone. Seems like every other person is on benefits. Now this might make me more angry then most through personal reason. All I have tried to do is work and work and work. But when I work I get more ill (endometriosis) it will be my 12th operation this year. But I still stand by the fact that a lot of people think its ok to sit at home and do nothing. You should work for what you want not get handed it.

But that brings me onto another point, where have the morals gone. Women and teenagers getting pregnant to get houses off the council. A women was on Facebook the other day asking which council site was best to bid on houses.

THE FIRST COMMENT….. “If you get your mum to say your over crowded you will get a house straight away”

And no matter how much she told them she is not overcrowded they told her to lie. There are homeless people out there that need the housed not some one that has a roof over there heads.

GENDER

Here is a biggy atm. This seems to be a sore subject atm. I believe you can be whatever you want to be. But surely you are one of these…

FEMALE

MALE

MALE WANTING TO BE A FEMALE

FEMALE WANTING TO BE A MALE

I believe you can be born in the wrong body. I do not understand non-binary. How can you not be either unless you were born with both a virgina and a penis. A post I have seen lately a person claiming to be non-binary having a natural birth at home and breast feeding. You cant state you non-binary and then use everything being a women gave you. Therefore you are a women.

KIDS

So yet another biggy here. Well this will annoy a lot of people but why shouldn’t I get an opinion too. Its frustrating when every child that is naughty no matter how small is told they have ADD or ADHD. Im not saying it doesn’t exist. What I am saying is not every kid has it. I believe in slapping your child to discipline them. No im talking a tap on the bum or hand. but kids get labelled. Its getting the same with anxiety. People claiming they cant work cause they have anxiety.

Once again a personal anger towards this and I know not everyone is the same. I have had major issues in life couldn’t walk in shops or even on a bus. But I learnt to change.

OK.. So that’s my rant and opinions. Would love any comments good or bad. Maybe I can learn maybe I have changed your opinion.

All I am saying is we cant sail through life we work for what we have, don’t make excuses and be you.

 

 

Bitch Boys and Fucktard Girls

I am a streamer so I game on Twitch also on another site but that is coming an end as am to ill.

I post on Instagram and Twitter

Hers my issue, WHY oh WHY do people get so angry if I use a snapchat filter or post in underwear.

I will say this loud and clear.

ITS MY BODY U DONT HAVE TO LOOK OR FOLLOWME.

So why the hell do I get idiots call me names. Men ask for nudes and when I refuse start kicking off. Tell me they would rather die then look at pics of me. Firstly u still haven’t unfollowed and secondly u were begging for them.

And the women. Not all I have made some friends but why oh why do you girls slate me. I don’t come into your stream or make nasty comments on your pics. So don’t on mine.

We all have insecurities I don’t pick yours out.

Also the ones that. For instance 1 atm is say his girlfriend died 5 days ago. Go on his profile and the last 5 days he is laughing and joking on his Twitter. Stating what he was doing during those day.

COME ON PEOPLE BE NICE STOP LYING AND BEHAVE!!!!!!