Why take the risk

When getting with some one u always take a risk.

I took the risk to dive into relationship and finally kick the kids dad out because i feel more in love with some one then i ever have before.

u know the love where u cant stop thinking about them day and night. u check ur phone every 5 mins when they are not with u.

I fell in love to fast and gave everything and now im paying the price

…………………………………………………….

I still love him more then anything but dont receive it back.

but fuck it it doesnt matter

things dont matter

days dont matter they always consist of the same thing. the kids having tantrums and me ending up in pain and no one giving a shit.

my shoulder has been hurting alot and its got to the stage folding clothes is painful but fuck it it doesnt matter. i cant even use that arm to wipe my foofoo after the toilet.

i just won custody of my kids but had no one to celebrate it with. no one even suggested too. my bday is coming up but no one will care.

so its another night on the sofa. just not happy.

sooooooooooooo alone

and no one who cares. no one that wants to listen. everyone is so self centre.#

no one asked me how i feel about winning the court case, or my health, my mental health or the fact its the anniversary of my mums death next month.

I grew up knowing i wasnt loved by my family. it was made obvious. now im getting older and nothing has changed. I dont have anyone who is truly there for me. so one who would drop everything.

my partner use to be that person but not anymore. its just me again now

Getting paid help

Sick of waiting for empty promises. If u say u will do something do it. But now I’m stuck at home.

Just annoys me when I get promised stuff and it never happens.

Things I will be doing

Putting me first

Getting a carer

Prioritize

Waiting around for help isnt working. U would not think I’m ill. I barely get help and have given up asking.

Yes I make myself get up, yes I get thru the day.

But if attention was being paid u would see I barely do it. So when I’m told u need help so I will stay at home to help for u to go back on that and fuck me off. It’s time to pay some one to help me.

Just cause I’m doing things doesn’t mean my pain isnt there, doesn’t mean I’m not forgetting what I’m doing whilst doing it. Doesn’t mean I dont feel faint and takes every effort to move.

But I will pay some one to help.

But I gave u access to my blog to read some times and u dont. So u wont even know

A day in the life of me

So the court case over my kids is done today.

Its was at 2.45 and was ment to last over an hour. It was over the phone due to covid-19. Just me and the judge from what i could tell. Its was over before i could really understand what happened and lasted the short time of 15 mins.

Nothing was really explained although i did get that i have a full residency order and there dad has no rights to remove them from my care and if he wants to see them he has to do the DAPP course, its a domestic violence one. There grandparents need supervised visits.

Thats sad as there dad wont do the course he didnt even attend court for the case and it was over the phone.

Secondly my 5 year old has come up in red blotches on her skin that are getting bigger. Took her to the doctors who called in 2 other doctors who all think its from a Tic bite resulting in Lymes Disease. They wanted her in the hospital on antibiotics as if not treated it can leave issues for later on in life.

They called the kids section in the hospital and the doctor said dont worry about she doesnt have a temp so dont bring her in. So 3 doctors over 1 said she needs to be in hospital but no we are at home. She has every other symptom but not the temp.

Good news is we got a new house today. Looking forward to move in and starting my cake business again.

Partner wise not sure whats going on he says he is happy but he clearly isnt. He just isnt interested anymore. And im not blameless i have been on edge and really snappy lately but cant even talk to each other. It doesnt feel like a relationship. Feels very one sided. I think of him every second of the day and maybe thats the issue cause i get annoyed when he doesnt think of me too.

He is my world but im just his other half. Doesnt help his kids dont like me. His family have more or less disowned him for being with me.

Feels like this is the beginning of the end and he refuses to admit it. He isnt happy everyone can see that. I cant be strung along until someone better comes along. Too loose him would break my heart but the sad fact is i think i already have.

But he wont admit anything is wrong, he gets defensive when i bring it up, but once again i will wait to get hurt.

This is a personality disorder

Upset

Its times like these I think about my mum.

Its 2am amd I cant sleep.

It’s the one year anniversary of her death next month. I have no grave to go to and still havent said goodbye.

People say life gets easier. And the pain eases. But how can it ease if I never said bye. Never gave her a last hug.

Been crying alot today. Posting pics of my kids as babies. I would do anything for just one more child.

My daughter is Ill with a liver issue and bone issues and her glue ear is back and causing her speech to go down hill.

It’s all getting on top of me. We have applied for a house but they dont like my credit even though I have improved it since Christmas.

It’s got a front garden and I want to do a flower patch for Barbara, kathy,mum, and John. Put plakes down. But we might not get the house.

Maybe one day I will stop crying maybe

urgh

Im so sick of feeling ill and in pain.

Everyday i wake up hurting it ranges from a dull ache to pain where i cant get out of bed.

I have now tapped a nerve in my left arm and have more meds to take for that. Waking up everyday in pain is draining.

I feel weak and drained.

Taking my kids swimming this afternoon and im dreading it. I am only able to use one arm and i have 2 kids that cant swim.

I cant get comfy. sitting, laying and sleeping is uncomfortable

Am i just different?

Why dont people understand me.

So i dont speak to my family and im not exaggerating when i say if i died they would not care. My nan died and i found that out on facebook.

I dont have any friends i just have people i know. I dont understand how people have the energy to meet people when u have 2 kids at home. Im not being lazy there just isnt enough time in the day and if i dont message people first they dont message me.

I have reached out to my family and had no one reach back.

I try to speak to people about it all and how lonely it is. imagine not having anyone to tell ur stories to, or ur thoughts.

I have my partner but what about when i want a girlie conversation or just need family to speak to.

My partners family dont want to know me or my kids and we have been together over a year now. do u know how sad it is when its my kids bday and its just us and friends from school. no nanny or grandad, no cousins nothing.

People dont get how horrible it is. They say they do and they say it wouldnt bother them but that because they have there family and friends so they cant understand. so yeah it doesnt bother them right now but if they were in my situation it would.

I have my first councilling session tomorrow lets see how this goes.

Its one of those days

Today is a pain day. Even writing this is so much effort with every stroke of the keys. Its hard to explain what the pain is like.

If i was too say everything hurts people would think i was exaggerating, but im not. Its hurting too have clothes against my skin they feel like sand paper. my scalp hurts everytime my hair moves.

Everything is such an effort tonight, i ache from head to toe. Standing and walking is hard. I wont make it upstairs tonight without crawling.

Here we go again

So once again im sitting here in tears alone as always

Today i lost my job. I worked in the Telecoms industry and was furloughed due to having an injection for endo that completely removes my immune system and with covid 19 around WE decided being furloughed til the injection wears off would be a good idea.

Well today turns out they are not happy with that anymore and have ended my contract with immediate effect.

It one thing after another. I try to get help from the doctors to deal with all this and they give me another number and that number is a voicemail that say they are not taking new people on.

I understand suicide

I wont do it but i understand it

Not going to plan

So this is what happens when i try to change things.

I called the doctors and asked for help. As my normal go to is self harm. They gave me a different number to call which i did only to get a voicemail stating they are not taking on new people.

So thats help out the window. They have given me no other option.

So i decided to try and sort myself out as i have let myself go. Booked a hair appointment for friday. my partner offered to have the kids, but now he is called into work for the rest of the week and i need to cancel it. I havent had my hair cut in over a year.

Now i get work need him but i have been told to stay at home and shield as im on chemo meds. He has been told the same by his work to protect me but he is being called in for at least 2 days a week.

Not that anyone has noticed but im on a downward spiral trying my best and have no help.