Who can you trust?

I have had a lot of trust issues lately.

Who in this world can you trust?

Can you trust the girl who is ment to be ur best friend when she says she cares for u?

What about the person making promises to never hurt u again?

Or new opportunities that come your way?

The boss that tells you to work hard and you will go far?

Or the doctors promising to help you?

Life is dependant on trust, but what if u cant trust anyone. What then? Where do you turn? Who is there to help you and who is there to use you?

In all honesty I don’t trust anyone. People will always hurt you. Its in the human DNA. The difference is not everyone does it intentionally, but it still hurts the same.

One thing I have learnt is to be alone in this world and not to trust anyone. that way no one can hurt you. The issue with that is you always let someone in. And they always hurt you. Then you hate urself for being  stupid.

This will be my first of 2 blogs tonight.

 

Sleeping

Things have been a little better lately.

 

I enjoy my job and the new challenges it brings everyday. I have said goodbye to the girls that have dragged me down and made some new friends.

My sleep has not improved though..

I have just woken up very startled. I’m not sure if it’s a nightmare or my heart condition. It’s the feeling u have after a nightmare where u can’t catch ur breath and ur heart is pounding. I have a slight feeling of fear. But I have no idea why I’m scared.

 

I use to have nightmares all the time, of being chased or assaulted. But they are less frequent now. This waking up like tonight is a common thing now.

 

Need to be up for 4.30 and it’s 1.10 now. My heart has slowly settled so I guess its time to try again.

 

Maybe if I wasn’t alone it wouldn’t happen. Maybe it’s still my nightmares I just don’t remember them.

Either way. Hope u all sleep well and good night.

 

If people only knew

Do u ever just wanna scream and shout?

Do u ever get pissed off when people don’t realise ur stressed or down? But u haven’t even told them y.

Just would love someone to take enough interest in me to notice.

Hearing people complain about the same things in life, like a cold coffee or work.

Wish I could scream at them.

But nobody knows cause who wants to be friends with a whiner.

Why are u missed more when ur gone

What is there after death?

Is there a light and a tunnel?

Does God exist? If so why the fuck does he hate me so much.

Found out the other day that the reason ur life flashed before ur eyes when ur moments away from death, is because ur brain is trying to use ur life experiences to get u out the situation.

One day I will find out what’s after this life, if anything.

One day soon maybe.

And the world will carry on. My parents won’t care and my funeral will be bare. Does anyone know what flowers I would want. Or if I wanna buried or cremated.

Would anyone pay for it.

Who cares anymore.

Love from

The girl who tries her best but always fails

Just wanna say thanks

This will be a quick one.

This site has saved my life on more then one occasion. So I wanna say thank u.

 

It maybe weird but I use this as I online diary. I know people can see but it feels like maybe I have some one I can talk to. Its helped me on some of the nights I have felt the weakest and unable to stand on my own.

 

SO THANK YOU EVERYONE XXXX

Still awake

So it is now 4.10am and I am still awake. Just cant sleep. I close my eyes and the stress kicks in.

I have tried

Turing all technology off.

Putting on a boring program.

Listening to music.

Just laying there.

I’m due in work at 7am. Do I just get up now? Would sleep now make me feel worse?

Its getting light out now. So good morning world.

 

IM BACK!!!!

So here I am writing again. Its 2.14am, and I’m due at work I’m under 5 hours.

My nights have been like this a lot lately. I don’t really sleep anymore. I just have this blurry feeling in my head and a faint buzzing.

Is this what insomnia feels like. Or can I just not sleep.

Always a lot going on in my life. I think ‘good luck’ has up and fucked off. Listened to his evil twin ‘bad luck’ and just swapped places.

Last week was hard and my endometriosis kicked my butt. took morphine for the first time at my new job. It was worse then it has been in a while. to the point where my jeans touching the left pelvic area even for a split second in the bathroom made me drop to the floor and hit my head.

But I made it thru the day with just one person noticing.

Is it wrong that I’m getting annoyed at people being fussed around cause they have a headache or something similar. when I’m sitting in agony knowing I should be in the hospital. But that’s my fault as I don’t tell anyone.

I say I don’t want sympathy but a simple are u ok do you need a hug would be nice.

Just to have some one hold me and tell me it will be over soon and the pain will subside. For me to fall asleep in there arms. I miss that. been years since anyone cared about me enough. Even friends are not like that.

I haven’t had anymore suicide attempts although I did self harm. Which I hate myself for, some times its the only way to release the stress, pain and anger I feel inside. Do others have issues coping like I do? Whats wrong with me that I cant cope?

I have seen mental health doctors before but they all say I’m fine. CLEARLY IM NOT.

I was even taken into a mental health unit for 2 weeks. where I was diagnosed with Manic Depression, most commonly know as Bipolar. I was later then rediagnosed with Borderline personality disorder. I was told it cant be bipolar because I don’t run down the street naked.

But I am on no medication and don’t see councillors. I choose not to see them because all they wanna do is talk about my past. Which I have worked so hard to block out. They start me talking then the nightmares start again. I cant deal with that. Right now they are few and far between. But when I start speaking about them they are every night.

I still see random things, like shadows and spiders that are not there. but they said as long as I don’t here voices I am fine.

I have had the heart monitor fitted and see the heart specialist on Friday. And see my pre op doctor on Thursday regarding my endo op.

I’m not sure how I will handle the operation for Endo. It is to take out my ovaries. I’m scared it will send me into a spiral. When I had my womb removed it took over a year to handle it emotionally and I still have moments now where I struggle and cry. To have babies again. I cant even look at the facebook memories of my kids when they were young. its silly and I cant talk to anyone including councillors as I always get the same response. “you have 2 kids already u should be happy, some people cant have kids”

It makes me even more upset, as I have no one to discuss it with.

I barely see my kids atm and I hate it. I have to work so that they can have a good up bringing but I just seem to get on more debt. I get home at about 6 and they go bed around 7. At weekends there nan who hates me for being ill and working. She thinks I cant be as ill as I have said cause she sits on her arse so how can I work. So she has them on the Friday night. I see my kids for about 2 days a week. I hate it but money has to be earnt. I hate that I cant take them places.

The guilt I feel is unbelievable. hope they know I love them.

These are the times I resent people who can just ask mummy and daddy for help. I have no cooker atm but have no money to get one. I’m even selling naked pics of me online cause we need money so bad. But I don’t have family. I have no one to talk to and fall back on for support. Its just me dealing with all this.

I was told by some one at work I’m the most positive person there. I’m not I can just fake it. They don’t know I’m dying inside and holding back tears.

Will things ever change. I don’t think I’m a bad person, I work hard and try my best. I try to be nice to everyone. So when do I get a break.

 

Heart pounding, head broken.

It’s that time again where if I don’t write it down I will burst nd do something silly.

Really how much stress can a heart take? My heart monitor loop recorder thing is fitted. It’s in my left boob. I’m a 34gg which mean I bounce no matter how secure the bra is. Therefore the implant hasn’t settled and keeps moving.

I can no longer lay on my front and bras hurt. See the heart doctor in the next two weeks and see my surgeon for a pre op for my endo the same week.

The things at home are the same. The ex won’t leave I’m so stressed. He promises me he will change and help more but nothing ever changes. He will never leave. The police won’t remove him as he is on the tenancy. I need to be happy.

Every day is just stress from start to finish. Arguments before I go work, arguments all day and the same when I come home. I sleep about 4 hours a night.

I collapse and got left for 45 mins on the floor. He said he heard a bang. I have a heart issue I could have died. Everyday I fight the urge to take meds to numb it all out.

His m tricked me into opening up to her saying I can trust her and have some one to talk to. About 10 mins later she is on the phone to my ex telling him everything.

 

I truly am alone in this world. I must have murdered thousands of children in my past life to get this punishment.

 

I love my kids but I do believe they would be happier without me. I have to work as there dad doesn’t they barely get to see me and when they do I’m either fighting back tears, to ill to function or extremely stressed.

But it is funny how I can go into work and no one knows. They all think I’m the cheery one.

Little do they know I’m barely making thru life.

 

 

 

This will be a long one

So I’m just gonna write random stuff about whats been going on cause sometimes u just need get things o your chest.

So The ex quit a job I got him which made me so mad and made me look bad. And I was given the boot to. But not because he left. The contract I had with them wasn’t due to end until June. Instead of calling me I got a call from the agency stating the project we were working on finished early so they didn’t want me.

But on the upside I had the second interview with a new company today. I think I did well but only time will tell.

I sit here tonight on the eve of having my Implantable Loop Recorder put in my chest. This op is small but I will be awake which is scary. But they will be able to see what the issue is with my heart that is making me collapse.

 

I have took a long hard look at my life lately and instead of trying to get things done now, I will take my time and I will succeed more. Like relationships, I know how people see me. I’m not saying I’m gorgeous, I’m average.  But men see me as one thing and that’s a good fuck. I’m the throphy girlfriend the one you show off. nothing more. I’m not seen as the marrying type.

My key goal atm is pay off all my debts so I’m working my ass off to get patreons but not really working atm.

Long shot if anyone wants to take a look – http://www.patreon.com/misskhadi13

I will get there I know I will.

Well my daughter is awake so this is shorter then I thought lol