….

When u leave one guy and meet the man of ur dreams, how do u stop ur old habits.

Like saying sorry all the time.

Pushing urself to the limit.

Worrying if everything is OK all the time.

 

I feel these are things that could ruin the relationship.

But how do u stop….

It was 8 years of all this. How do I stop now.

I can see the annoyance when I say sorry for the minimal things. But those minimal things use to be big things in the last relationship.

I am poorly and have had about 5 s eizures yesterday. They are classed as silent ones. So I don’t really shake I just go blank and collapse.

Its cause I’m pushing myself to stay skinny and impress my man.

He is lovely BTW. Never had a bf like him. He is kind, sweet, loves me so much (not sure y).

He doesnt judge me and I can be myself around him. He doesn’t mind my flaws like my pain, memory issues and general dumbness lol.

But I feel I do annoy him with my old habits. Cause I forget not to do them.

I will try harder I want this relationship to go all the way

Definitely not ready to be alone.

But another day passes since I overdosed. No one who knows even cares.

When did society think its the norm or attention seeking for some one to overdose.

This wasn’t a little one this was 20+ mst tablets which 60mg can kill some one I took over 200mg.

I was found and looked after by my partner did all the right things to make sure I was OK.

But the whole time I just wanted to sleep and not wake up. I planned it for a few days.

But it failed. Now I have the aftermath. The comments, the looks off people at work.

I don’t even get a how are u? Was just told  I’m close to loosing my job.

The ex thinks it was for attention.

Do I not show how I feel very well cause I’m broken inside. Barely functioning and really don’t wanna be alone.

I barely see my kids and work all hours for no money left at the end of the month.

I am failing as a mum. And there dad wants them full time.

Do I deserve to have kids. Is this why I had miscarriages cause I wasn’t worth being a mum.

I would have a 20 year old, 18 year old, 13 year old, 11,9 and 8 year old aswell.

But they are not here now.

I do have a 6 year old and 4 year old. But I’m barely there. I have missed so much of there lives. Even though I work hard I barely provide for them. So now sell my body online.

Porn is my only other income. I may smile online and act OK. But I hate it more then anything. Makes me feel horrible.

But there’s bills to pay and uniform to buy.

But for now I have to get thru a night alone to have another day at work.

Not sure how but gotta try

 

So if you have been reading my blogs you will know I have had a hard time lately.

From making the Ex move out to an attempt on my life.

So let me explain a few things about the EX. He has played mind games from the beginning and done everything from dislocate my shoulder and pop it back in place to cause me to need a CT scan due to major head pain.

Now its all about the mind games.

Issue is he isn’t smart enough for them and the gorgeous man who I am with is so much smarter then him.

So he can come at me from every angle. I have had threats against both me and my partner, emotional abuse. I have even had to give my work his picture as he is threatening to come work.

Now its time I take charge of things. We are not kids we are adults and he needs to realise that. he has left me in a world of debt due to not paying bills even though he controlled my wages. And now has left to go to the other side of the country.

I will come out this stronger and better. It will take a while and take a lot of strength that I’m not sure I have right now. but I will do this.

For the first time I actually felt truly loved.

But once again the ex has upset me and it just drains me. To the point I have to have a sleep. It like my body protecting me by making it all shut off. Is that even possible.

I have so much to look forward to so for now I will listen to my body and take a nap.

……..

 

So tonight is the night everyone

The night  I’m truly happy. The night I felt unconditional love.

 

It’s doesn’t get better then this.

This means that it’s time. All my life I have had hurt and disappointment. Bret loves me for me even though I’m not good enough

I will never be this happy again so let’s end on a high a great high. why wait til I’m depressed when I can do it when I’m so happy.

Don’t cry for me celebrate the love. Moarn me but move on.

And to my family and my ex. I’m finally happy but u can blame ur selves for this.

Bret thank u for all u have done. My one my only love.

 

So to everyone I love u and good night xx

I am writing this to explain why

I am a burden.

Simply as really.

I have two gorgeous kids that have slowly been turnt against me.

U call me selfish. I say they won’t see me on pain anymore or crying. They won’t see mummy on morphine or in hospital.

They will have there dad’s family.

They won’t see me work myself into a early grave.

Then there’s the rest of my life.

I don’t deserve what my ex is saying to me or doing to me mentally.

No one deserves all this.

No one deserves being abandoned by there family.

I’m alone and I always will be.

I have Bret but  I’m not gonna be a burden. My mood swings my depression. The stress I have caused him. It was selfish to fall in love with him and he deserves so much more then me. He is amazing and I need him to realise that.

Now I can do some thing for him a nd he can move on.

Be the amazing man he is, not let me drag him down.

Tonight he made me more happy then I ever have been. I never wanna come down from that.

But I know in a few hours my world will crash down around me. Thru message and mental abuse. I don’t wanna loose what I have now.

I hope u all understand xx

I’m sorry don’t hate me please xx

 

Life is like the movies. U have good and bad ones.

Mine is a physiological thriller.

Twists and turns from everywhere. No path to follow and alot of guessing work.

When something good happens something bad follows.

Today my body is giving up. My mind gave up a while ago. My chest is tight and my body shakes. I can barely stay awake.

Is this the time I don’t wake. The time my heart finally gives in to all the breaking its endured.

Time will tell what’s out there for me.

So time sleep now.

 

Love u all

No one really ever has control of there own lives whether it be health, controlling partner, a menacing ex or other circumstances.

 

I’m sat outside work having a melt down, knowing in 5 mins I have to put a smile on my face and act OK.

At least its sandwich day I suppose

From finding out I have been having silent seizures to the ex playing with my life. Where do I turn what do I do?

I have a great new partner. But how much should I lean on him before he runs.

How much of a smile should I fake?

Friends who I thought were there for me are no longer around.

New friends don’t know the situation.

Family is long gone.

Where is a loving mum, girls are ment to have. The ones u can run to in times of upset and trouble.

Time will tell how my story ends,, but right now it’s not looking good