So sick of crying

I’m so sick of crying. Trying to keep a brave face on. Selling naked pics of myself just to get money for my kids. Being the doormat. Never being good enough. Everyone thinking I’m strong when I’m the weakest around. Having an anonymous blog as I would be shut out if people knew how I feel. Struggling everyday with life, love, work and being a mum.

My mental health is bad. Not sleeping much. Nightmares are back, waking in the middle of the night. This injection no one gives a fuck about is making me ill (but fuck it people can’t see the illness’s I have so can’t be real).

Just sick of the struggle. My heart doesn’t work properly as it is. Why can’t it just give up. Maybe not wake in the morning.

Sometimes u gotta be cruel to be kind. And me not being here may seem selfish and cruel now but in the long run it would be for the best.

Who cares anyway.

 

 

 

What is wrong with me

Why is my head so fucked up. Why am I getting suicidal thoughts again.

To the point I am dreaming of doing it.

 

Everything from crashing my car to slitting my throat. Why is my head so fucked. Just got a new job with more money and a better title. Git Christmas kinda sorted. Have so many friends now.

 

But what’s wrong with me.

 

Sounds silly but I know I will do it one day. Its always there in the back of my mind. Always niggling away.

I don’t know why. Think there would b one wrson who would be bother if I die. No one else would care.

And I know ur reading this Gareth. Don’t use this against me like u normally do

Work life

Morning everyone who reads this.

Sorry for any spelling mistakes hoping spell check corrects it.

Took oramorph and lyrica last night. Not feeling good at all this morning. The hangover from it is worse then one from drinking.

Work won’t notice that I can’t see straight. I still drove to work and dropped the kids off. Still waiting for operation date for my endometriosis.

The chemo meds are draining me alot. Feel tired alot and not hungry at all which isn’t good.

Need to make money for Christmas and start a new job in a few weeks.

Anyway I’m ment to be working

Speak soon

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

THIS WILL ALL BE IN CAPS AS I’M JUST SO PISSED OFF.

WRITING IN HERE TONIGHT SO I DON’T KICK OFF AND REGRET IT.

WHY DON’T PEOPLE GET IT

MY EX:

CONSTANT MESSAGING. U HAVE A FUCKING GF DO ONE.

I’M SICK OF FINDING WOMEN’S UNDERWEAR AND CLOTHES IN MY HOUSE WHERE I CHEATED ON.

SICK OF HEARING HOW I HAVE GOT A JOB AND CAN SPOIL UR NEW GF. BUT HAVE LEFT ME WITH A LOAD OF BILLS THAT I DIDN’T PAY WHILE I WERE HER AND DIDN’T HAVE A JOB TO SUPPORT UR 2 KIDS AND ME FOR THE 8 YEARS I SLEPT IN MY SOFA.

OH BUT I LOVED ME. SUCH BOLLOCKS.

LOVE WAS STAYING WITH U FOR THAT LONG THRU THE BEATINGS AND A USE. THAT WAS LOVE FOR ME.

NOW THERE IS SO MUCH HATE.

I’M SICK OF HAVING A HEARY CONDITION, ENDOMETRIOSIS AND FIBROMYALGIA. WORKING A FULL TIME JOB AND TRYING TO KEEP THE HOUSE RUNNING WITH THE 4 ANIMALS U LEFT HERE.

I’M SICK OF THE SHIT I GET FROM UR FAMILY CAUSE OF THE WEB OF LIES U HAVE SPUN.

I HATE THE EMOTIONS I AND UR FAMILY PUT OUR KIDS THRU AND THE FACT I HAVE TO DRIVE THEM 2 HOURS EACH WAY FOR THEM TO HAVE CONTACT WITH U BUT I DON’T PAY ME A PENNY.

 

CURRENT MAN

I HATE THAT U DON’T UNDERSTAND.

THAT U SAY CHRISTMAS WILL BE OK BUT U HAVE MINIMAL TO BUY.

THAT U THINK MONEY IS OK. BUT I LIVE IN A LITTLE FLAT AND DON’T HAVE UR KIDS FULL TIME AND GET TO WORK 2 JOBS. DON’T HVE CLUBS TO PAY FOR OR A FULL WEEKLY SHOP.

NO THINGS FINE.

OR THAT U DON’T LISTEN TO ME ALOT OF THE TIME.

HAVE U SETTLED WITH ME AND  NOT AS IMPORTANT ANYMORE.

DO I STRESS U TO MUCH AND THIS IS U SAYING WE ARE DONE. I’M SICK OF U POINTING OUT HOW MUCH HAIR THERE IS LAYING AROUND WHEN I KNOW THE MEDS ARE MAKING ME LOOSE IT.

 

ENDOMETRIOSIS AND HEART CONDITON

I’M SICK OF MY HAIR FALLING OUT TO THE POINT IT’S NOTICABLE.

I’M SICK OF BEING SICK AND CATCHING EVERYTHING AROUND BUT CAN’T AFFORD THE FLU JAB.

I’M SICK OF WAITING FOR ANOTHER OPERATION. OR MY HEART DOCTOR TO CALL TO SAY MORE IS WRONG.

I’M SICK OF THE PAIN AND THE STRESS.

 

Life is a Tornado in a Hurricane

People say we make our own luck.

Is this true? If it is I made my luck out of a shit storm.

Shit after shit flies at me and i was never good at sports so they all manage to hit.

 

Is reincarnation real. Am I the human version of the dung beetle. Will i be a princess in the next life in some far away paradise. Just for enduring all this pain and hate.

Be positive they say. (love to see them try)

Smile it wont crack your makeup. Ok firstly im 35 now so need this makeup and secondly you smile with out crying after the week i have had.

 

OK HERE GOES…

Was taken into hospital in SOOO much pain last Monday by ambulance at my kids school. On gas and air, alot or morphine plus more. To be finally given the Prostap injection. A small dose of chemo meds.

While i was in on Monday I got a text off a neice asking me to call my sister. To find out  my mum had about 2 days to live. I broke down and discharged myself.

I found out she was in Yorkshire only 2 hours up the road.  I asked for her address a while ago and was lied to and told she lived down south in Sandwich, Kent. This was a deliberate lie. No wonder i never got a christmas card back or a phone call.

I was far to ill to travel but kept in contact. Wednesday was the day we were going to see her. Got my kids sorted and my partner sorted his kids. I would have about 2 hours with mum. Only to have his ex girlfriend cancel all the plans so we had to turn around.

Mum died 4am the next morning. I never made it in time. Never got to hold her hand and say i love u. Give her a kiss on the head and say it was ok to sleep now. I will never see her again.

Come Monday and i am back at work. Meeting after meeting. To be told I only get the day my mum died, a day for the funeral plans and the day of the funeral as compassionate leave. The rest I need to use my holiday and because i never actually saw her I should have come in to work the days before her death.

I was considering seeing my mums body on Thursday but have been told I have to be in work Friday but I wouldnt be able to face it if i see my mum laying there all cold and lifeless.

I was told today that whats happened to me over the last few months cant be true as no one has that much bad luck.

And on top of that i have found out my daughter has been hurt by her own grandma. My son describes it in so much detail its heartbreaking. I should have listened to my gut instinct. So now have police involved with that. From her being dragged round by her arm and screaming, to a very suspicious round burn on her hand and bruises on her back.

 

If other people cant believe all of whats happened how do i deal with it. I know at some point this is all gonna crash around me and i will just break down. But for now i will fake the smile as best I can for my kids and cry when im alone.

 

 

 

 

Not coping

I’m not coping atm.

All those walls I built up are breaking down. All the memories bad and good are coming back.

I had a dream my mum was still alive and was a joke. But she isn’t and I didn’t get to see her.

I’m on alot of pain meds like morphine. Mum is gone, Barbara is dying and Cathy is gone.

My mind won’t process it. I have so many questions.

Was mum with anyone?

Did she know it was the end?

Was she scared?

I don’t want her to be scared.

Did it hurt her?

Was she awake when it happened?

Did she know I love her?

I don’t remember the last time I told her. Now I never can.

I hope there is something after death and she knows  I’m sorry.

What now though. What happens? How do I organise things?

My head isnt working properly. I cry all the time or pass out asleep. I don’t wanna be alone.

Called doctors for help but worried they will admit me in to a unit.

I just wanna walk off a bridge and join mum. I can’t do this. I can’t be here. It all hurts to much.

I don’t wanna loose Barbara. She helped me thru so much. She took me horse riding and cooked amazing curries. She always was there for me. And took me in. She was always on my side.

I dunno how to cope. It’s all to much.

Mum died today

Today I found out my mum died about 4am. I was going to see her today. Now she isn’t here anymore.

I’m gonna break. And I can’t stop it.

Another mum of mine who took me in when I was cast out by mine has lung and brain cancer and doesn’t have long either.

My Foster mum died 2 weeks ago.

How do I cope with this. Can’t stop crying, I’m lashing out at people who are trying to help.

My mental health isn’t great anyway. I feel numb, confused, alone.

Can’t stay awake, endo pain is bad.

Where do I turn. Do I take my meds and block it all out.

Tried to call doctors as if I break I will end up in mental health unit again. Trying not to self harm. It’s hard people don’t understand.

 

Just want to numb it all, stop the random crying and give up.

What would u do?

Endo fucking sucks

I’m on here tonight, actually I dunno why I’m here. Won’t change anything.

What endo brings.

Bloating so I look fat

Pain so I look like a wimp

Seizures due to the pain, that make me look stupid

Tired so I look lazy

But worst of all its the babies.

6 heart breaking miscarriages.

2 amazing kids.

But can’t have more. People don’t get that’s upsetting. No one understands why the prospect of my ex having more kids is devastating.

 

Its doesn’t matter no one gets and no one cares

 

 

People say all the wrong things.

Don’t say:

But some people can’t have kids at all

U already have 2

It would be like a guy loosing his balls. Its a major part of who u are.

 

Laying in the bath at 3.11am. THANKS endo

It’s 3.11am on a Sunday morning and I’m in the bath trying to ease back pain. Would say back ache but that really doesn’t do it justice.

With my belly very swollen and my back throbbing like I have been hit by a car. I wonder when I will get to sleep.

My partner is in bed with a 12 hour shift ahead of him and I don’t wanna wake him and complain of my pain. He wouldn’t mind of course but I would knowing how tired he will be tomorrow.

I have a bedroom to move round later today. Tried to do some yesterday did half of it before I was out of breath and hurting.

THIS IS MY BAD WEEK (10 DAYS)

But hopefully I will get the prostap injection this week. That helps ease the pain slightly. But will eventually kill my ovaries and I will have no hope of saving any eggs.

The injection itself comes with drawbacks and acts like chemo does. I will loose some hair, be sick and my immune system will all but disappear. Its the price I pay to have less pain.

Things I have found out this week…

Love isn’t dead.

Don’t push away the ones that love u the most.

I have a seizure before I become unconscious.

This week I will learn that doing it alone as a parent is gonna be the hardest and most emotional thing I will ever do. But it will be worth the most.

This week I have kept my kids pics with me and I have missed them so much. But come Monday I will have them in my arms.

Being a parent is about trying ur best no matter what the situation. They may not have everything they want but they will always have whatever they need. Xxx