It 11.30pm and I cant sleep. I should sleep considering im ill from not relaxing enough. But I cant.

To many things going through my head. Like the court case on Wednesday and might be loosing my licence.

If I don’t send my licence off for my change of address it illegal for me to drive but if I do there is a high chance it will being taken off me for being ill. Im not like most people, I cant afford taxis everywhere but I cant do buses. The waiting around for one will hurt me and the ride will hurt even more. I will be unable to work as wont be able to get the kids on time after work.

Every time I have the chance of a career something happens.

I don’t want to be frowned at for not working but work is hurting me.

Where will that leave me and my partner. I will have no independence anymore. I don’t wanna rely on other people. Will he think less of me for not working. Will he get bored. How will the kids see there dad as he wont bother travelling for them.

Then I have court Wednesday where they will decide who has custody over my kids. I have a good case and the dad isn’t even going to turn up. Doesn’t stop it being scary. Plus the 4 hour drive.

Im tired but I cant sleep. But I cant seem to make any decisions either. Where do I go from here, what do I do?

I started a new job 2 weeks ago which means waking up and getting the kids to school by 7.45am. Getting to work by 8.30m, finishing work by 5pm and picking the kids up before 5.30pm.

This 5 days a week. With a 45 min lunch where I need to do shopping and stuff. By the time I get home its about 5.45. After I have cleaned and cooked its nearly 7pm and the kids go to bed ready for school in the morning.

Turns out im over working myself, my heart rate is going as low as 30bpm upto over 125bpm. No one knows why and I collapsed 6 times over the last 24 hours. My body aches from the falls and I am barely able to stay awake. This morning I called 111 for advise and they sent an ambulance. Had all the normal tests done (ecg, bloods, blood pressure). But by then my stats were normal so sent home to call the heart doctor im under. Would be nice to just get answers as to if its my endo causing the collapses and weakness or if its epilepsy or heart issues. No one seems to know.

I quit work and I do not get any help as my partner earns. I carry on working and I wll be in a early grave (not an exaggeration).

My heart is worse, my health is worse, whats my options.

Life can be a funny mess sometimes but u keep going.

I will apologise now I’m on lot of meds

.the issue with meds is the box that locked away all the bad stuff in ur head is freed

My lost babies, the loss of virginity at 9, the older men that paid to fuck me between the age of 9 and 14 l.

God I’m tired but only sleep a little when I do.

So what’s life?

Wish I knew atm I’m just plodding along hoping for the best

Well seems like in writing a boring blog tonight

But here’s the things running thru my head while I’m on very high doses of mordphine.

Why can I only open 1 eye lol. I look stupid

Why am i acting strong all the time on the upside I have really soft skin

So it’s Christmas Eve Eve and once again I can feel the stress, so I thought I would write.

Everyone has things they don’t say to people, whether it’s u don’t like there hair or u are not in love anymore.

Well these are some of mine……

When some one asks if endometriosis is pain. My normal response is yes it hurts alot. What I don’t say is its one of the most common illnesses for women and can cause u so much pain u can pass out or throw up.

There are other things too, like I don’t tell people I’m actually really shy behind this front I have and the fact u hate posting pics of myself online to earn money. But no one else is gonna help me bring up my kids.

I don’t tell people to stop being so depressed when all u do is sit at home all day. If u got a job u wouldn’t be so down.

I dont tell my partner that I’m scared of loosing him or that I don’t think he is ready for the ready made family that I am.

I don’t tell my ex that I wish I hadn’t had kids with him as he isn’t a good dad or that how he treated me for 8 years has left me broken.

I don’t tell anyone that not having a family support system is one of the hardest things in my life. No one to talk to.

I’m not very good at opening up as it makes me look vulnerable. People can hurt me then.

We really are always alone. So why bother.

Everytime I try to get close I have to go thru something alone.

And once again its a funeral. But as per usual I will have to do things alone.

WHY do I not get comfort and support

How do I know if I’m just being a bitch, overthinking things, being needy or actual for once am I right.

Would like replies if people read this

I’m hard work I know this. I’m an emotional wreck but this year I have had heart issues which are getting worse. The partnership between the kids dad and I broke up. He left and moved over 100 miles away leaving me with alot of debt. 2 of my Foster mums died and so did my mum within 4 months. Now the kids gran has up and left the area. So I have the kids 24/7. Yes I know they are my kids and I love them but I am also disabled and have major surgery early next year and a pace maker to be fitted at some point. All I wanted was one night off a week. Instead for me to have a break I have to drive them 2 hours and that’s only one way. So in total its 8 hours of driving. I have already had a heart attack on the m6 a few years ago.

But no one is concerned about the pressure I have on me. I can’t break down. I still collected the kids from school yesterday after sitting outside wiping the tears from my eyes.  I still have to provide Christmas and try not to stress.

So is it to much to ask to be listened to once in a while

Maybe cutting everyone out would be a better option.

Some people are more concerned about the ones that say they are depressed over something on a social media site by u know real world problems

I have written in here a lot lately all stuff about me being down. So now i am sat at work unable to concentrate. I have one guy messaging me asking for me to where heels to work and can he give me a foot massage.

my partner sad because thats all i seem to make him.

Drama coming form every angle.

I think i should move closer to ex so my kids have family. But i start a new job on monday with better money and better future opportunitys.

but i finally have a great guy and friends. but my kids come first and i just make my man sad.

he would be better off if i left. he would find someone who is not stressing all the time, or on meds that are making her hair fall out and not sleep well or making her ill all the time.

Im to tired to do anything or cook.

What people are not understanding is im not a good mum and need that break of a night a week to recover from the early starts and late nights.

No one even notices how ill i am. funny thing is if u could see my illnesses people would be fussing and not letting me move. but oh u cant see its so im fine. not in pain at all, or dizzy or weak.

Its fine it will never change.

What do u do when u don’t wanna get ur painkillers from the doctor because u know u will do something stupid.

U need antidepressants but can’t take them cause the bad days while ur body gets use to them could end u.

When all u do is stress nd cry. When every smile is a fake one.

When ur laying in bed in the dark talking urself out of self-harming.

Writing in ur blog to try to cope.