Coping

How do people deal with things? Seems to be one step forward and 20 back.

Coping with one or maybe two things at a time i can handle that. But what happens when everything comes crashing down?

Within the last 7 months i have had 2 foster mums die and my real mum, the father of my kids just up and leave the area and there grandma, deal with a court case as my ex and his family took my kids, gone through several jobs, debts, debts and more debts, the constant abuse of my ex and his family, my boyfriend messaging his ex behind my back and my ovaries out.

Now tell me how to cope? I block all this out all day but as soon as i get a quiet moment im crying my eyes out. I have my ex questioning my sanity all the time. Im trying to prove myself and work and be a good mum working a fulltime job and full custody of my kids.

My chest is hurting, im not sleeping great where do i go  from here?

I think having my ovaries out has tipped me over the edge. The thought of not having more kids kills me inside. Heartbreak actually hurts for real. But no one understands. I already have 2. But i cant go to a doctor as my ex has asked the court for a mental evaluation on me.

I just give up. Im done faking a smile.

??????

Well tonight the pain is unreal. I feel dizzy and sick from the pain. I dont know if its the endo they didnt remove or from the operation. I am looking forward to work tomorrow but will not be sleeping until this eases and have no pain meds with me.

 

My hip feel like they are being pulled apart and every wave of pain is making feel like i will pass out

Things not to say to a girl with Endometriosis

So came out of my operation yesterday they only removed my ovaries but wanna see me in 2 months.

things did not go to plan in the recovery room and spend 2 hours in there. the glue they used did not hold an one of my cuts came open there was more blood then i have ever seen before. Nurses and doctors were rushing round and the surgeon was called back in. I had 2 numbing injections around the cut and was sewed up. I was finally taken back to the ward.

I was allowed out the same day as they only did the ovaries. I was getting dressed made my bed sorted my stuff out and heres what the nurse should not have said.

YOU CANT BE IN ANY PAIN THE OR YOU WOULD ASK FOR MEDS.

Well that wasnt true i was in pain but the endo pain is a thousand times worse. so to be told im not in pain was just mean. say well done for doing so well. No im not crying in my bed like the other 5 people on the ward but i have had 13 surgeries and normally have so much pain that i pass out from it.

 

Second thing unless u know about endo and the fact IT HAS NO CURE. please dont turn round and say

THINGS WILL BE EASIER NOW

thats simply not true the pain will be the same maybe a little better but endo will always come back.

 

 

Not sure u will read this

On our way home after the op now and I’m upset. But don’t really know how to explain.

It valentines day and had my operation today to have my ovaries out.

They said I could go home tonight even though I was ment to stay in.

For the first time in a long time I kinda felt unloved the feelings I had when I was due to come out of hospital when I was with Gareth.

There was no excitement to have me come home. I was excited to tell u but had nothing back. Just the sound of frustration in ur voice. Like it’s effort. And I understand u have the kids so some effort is required. Then u get there and I’m all smiles until there’s no hug no hand holding. Nothing.

Am I to much of an effort.

I feel hurt and tbh a little unloved.

When will I get some one running up to me to hug me or even that big hug saying I know today was hard but I got u.

 

The day before my operation

So tomorrow is my operation to remove my ovaries. Its not the operation in itself i am not looking forward to but what i am having done. From tomorrow i will be on medication for the rest of my life.

I will have to come to the realisation that there will be no option left for me to ever have more of my own kids. Thats the reason i have decided to agree to go into work monday to take my mind off it all.

Loving the new job though and looking forward to getting on the phones and doing well and finally getting my debts paid off without having to sell pics and videos of myself online.

So tomorrow i get up have a bath get my hospital bag ready and be there for 11.30, all ready to sign in and have more tests. Will be a overnight stay as well.

Now all i need is the dickhead of an ex to pay me the maintenence he owes me.

Also he has instructed me to prove i am ill and to also prove i am having an op tomorrow

Isnt Life Funny

Good and bad things happen when you least expect it.

But does everything really happen for a reason?

Do you really make your own luck?

And do good things really happen to those who wait?

 

Personally i dont believe in these

Firstly the whole things happen for a reason. This one does my head in.

“OH you got hit by a bus, must have happened for a reason”  Yeah the reason is your a dumbass and stepped into the road or the bus driver cant drive. Either way one of you are a dumbass. It wasnt some godly act to reduce the population by one person.

Although, while we are on that subject i do think the virus’s going round that kill hundreds or thousands could be being used to control the population.

On another note why not just bring back the death penalty and kill rapists and murders. All killing a rapist is to kind. he should be torchered by the person he raped first.

 

Secondly you make your own luck

No you dont. I know assholes that have won the lottery. Now you tell me how they got there own luck to win the lottery. Thats alot of luck to make. What did they do shovel shit with there tongue to make that much luck.

 

Thirdly dont make me laugh. The whole good things happen to those who wait.

Urmmmmm is crap cause say something good happens after a week or a year or a month. Of course you are gonna think its about time, i have waited for something good to happen for ages.

 

Oh and while we are on the subject of bullshit.

YOU FLAT EARTHERS
Can u be anymore deluded. Have you seen the pics from space. You dont make a model of the solar system and use a disk for earth do you? No you use a pingpong ball. WHY? CAUSE THE EARTH IS ROUND.

OH just to add this in PLUTO IS A PLANET AND ALWAYS WILL BE. where else is mickey gonna live.

 

PAIN

I am writing this to try to take my mind off the pain I am in right now. Trying not to pass out. Trying not to be sick.

When I say pain I mean tears down my face the feeling of my tummy being ripped apart from the inside.

All I m do is think of my op next week and preying the pain eases after.

But right now I am in tears on the bathroom floor trying to write this to control the pain. I prefer to be alone when like this so I don’t have to hide it. I know I shouldn’t hide it but people must see me do the school runs and smile and think it can’t be that bad. I have just learnt to hide it very well. People go in hospital for less pain then this

 

I’m eyes are stinging from cry, my back is throbbing, my hips feel like they are being pulled apart and my tummy is being torn at by and invisible animal. My head is spinning but this is a regular thing for me. Doctors provide lots of pain killers that at this point won’t even touch the pain.

Now  so tired it drains me

Thank u for listening thru the worst of it for now. Need sleep. #endometriosis