Lately things have been hard once again due to the ex. Gareth.

Apparently i should be grateful for having kids with him as before we met i had 3 miscarraiges and with him i was able to have kids. So im ment to do what ever he says and thank him for the rest of my life.

Now what he hasnt said is that he caused 3 miscarraiges before i had my son and daughter, he hasnt mentioned that when my waters broke 7 weeks early he was playing online with his mates and his friends had to tell him to get off line to help me. He also hasnt said that he spent all our money on Fifa packs and gambling so i had to walk over a mile to the hospital and back again while still leaking. leaving me with sores. The fact i was in labour for 52 hours and the whole time he was telling me to shut up as he had a headache and he wouldnt even get riley dressed when he was first born. Now we go onto demi he didnt even turn upto that birth i went in on a scheduled induce. He didnt turn up which turnt into an emergency C section where he daughter actually was born not breathing. I was unconscious due to being put to sleep so demi took 3 mins to breathe aided and 5 to breathe on her own. He wasnt there so demi was without a parent for 2 1/2 hours. being held by strangers. Or the fact that when they said i could finally come home he said he didnt want me home and the hospital agreed to keep us a few extra days.

Not letting me potty train riley until he was 4 as didnt want the mess. Not letting me phone ambulances for the kids until it was nearly too late when they had breathing difficulties. When the doctor at the hospital says it was nearly to late its not me over reacting.

But im ment to be thankful to him for not hugging me when we found out we were pregnant. For hitting me during the pregnancies, for isolating me so i had no one.

But it shouldnt bother me as much as it should that he has lied to everyone and made out its all me when police reports say otherwise. Now he has locked my kids in his nans house twice leaving me no choice but to go to court to get an emergency custody order. But its to late the kids are scarred and ask why it all happened. Im left picking up the peices and he is there playing the victim. The courts found 19 reports of domestic violence against me but he has so many people wrapped around his little finger. Now the kids may never see there dad again. Yes i get what everyone thinks maybe its a good idea. But i grew up with no family at all. I went to foster families and left home alone, i had no one to speak to. And it damaged me.

I want them to have supervised visits not alone time with him just something.

So it turns out insomnia is a part of the menapause. Would love if the doctors had told me about all these side effects.

The no sleep, the pain, dry skin, barely able to string sentences together, mood swings, aches and pains, the night sweats and hot flushes.

But what I was told was is that I would be cured and no more pain my life would be alot better. I never believed I would be cured but did think I would be a little better off. But now I’m being told I still have endometriosis plus a lump they didn’t even touch. Need more surgeries and have all the extra symptoms on top.

One day sure things will get better just wish that day was now.

On the bright side I’m starting to believe the man I am with is the one that I deserve. He is funny, gorgeous and actually loves me.

Still getting use to things like having my own money, not having to ask for permission for things, being allowed lie ins. It’s the small things like always sitting on the sofa together. Him holding my hand on walks. He even brought me a ps4 today I don’t remember the last time I got a present.

Hope everyone is coping OK.

I’m at the stage where I’m not sleeping much. I think I have figured out why. Cause as soon as I realised I burst into tears. Struck a nerve.

Before the lock down I had alot going on but I had work and a busy schedule to keep all the crap that’s locked away on my head at a distance I could handle. But being on lock down its all right there. I can’t hide from it anymore.

So at night I don’t sleep. When I manage to sleep I’m getting about 4 hours. Which then causes my body to be in pain. Which then makes me more tired.

So the things that are on my mind…

To start with there is me being ill. The hot flushes, the pain, the headaches, the night sweats, the allergic reactions to my own body temperature (yeah I’m allergic to body heat) and there there is the mental health side of things. To top it off I have been told during surgery the lump they thought was endometriosis wasn’t so they didn’t touch it as they were gynaecologists, so I have a lump between my spine and bowels that causes pain but no one knows what it is and won’t look into it until the lock down is over.

Then u have my relationship. He is great it’s me I’m over thinking everything and pushing him away. He doesn’t speak to me for half hour I think he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t hold my hand I wonder why he doesn’t love me. I’m so paranoid that he doesn’t love me and this is what is gonna make him leave me. And I wouldn’t blame him at all.

Then there is the kids dad. Cafcass have said he isn’t even allowed to speak to the kids now how do I explain that to them. They have been hurt enough as it is.

So it’s 6.52am in the morning and I haven’t slept yet. No endometriosis was removed during my last surgery. So the pain is here to stay.

The ripping the stretching the tearing.

The tears the blood and being sick.

When u just want someone to notice that ur struggling…. But no one ever does.

Story of my life. Always feel alone.

I think I’m the problem, do I hide it to well, do I not express my self in the right way. Have I been alone for so long that people think I don’t need help.

If u haven’t seen me in 20 mins come find me, if I’m angry come hug me, if I’m crying show me u love me.

I’m not sure I was made for love. Was putting photos in a family frame and realised it’s just the kids and I. I have a fried photo frame that’s empty. I try to be a friendly nice person. I care way to much about people but no one cares for me. No one loves me enough to come find me at 12.30 in the morning when I’m sat on the sofa crying. No one ever loves me the way I love them. It’s just not ment to be. No one cares enough that if I dreamt about loosing babies to stay up with me the next night when I’m to afraid to go to sleep incase I dream it all over again.

I know it’s all my fault. I push people away. I’m not enough and never will be.

Wasn’t enough for my parents or the rest of my family. Wasn’t enough for friends. Just never enough

Tonight will be a long night. I’m so tired but can’t sleep. Last night I barely got sleep as had 3 nightmares. The first I had a miscarriage. Now in reality I have had 6 miscarriages all resulted in me having breakdowns and last night I relived it. Some were earlier the others. I don’t wanna say the worst one but I don’t know how else to discribe it. But that was the one I dreamt about. I was 6 months and 4 days. I started bleeding and the took me to the labor ward to give birth. There was babies crying, women in labor so much noise. I gave birth to a little boy that they took away that I didn’t get to hold, that I didn’t get to see. I was 16 at the time.

The second was a dream dream as hasn’t actually happened in real life. the second was a toddler a baby girl the some how drown on a sinking wreckage. No idea what made me dream that.

The third my little girl got off the bus a stop before and I didn’t notice l. I was running up and down the streets I couldn’t find her anywhere.

Now I can’t sleep. Wide awake. Maybe because I can’t take another dream. What is wrong with me. Why am I having such bad dreams. I have never really got on with my mum and she died last September but never missed her that much until now.

 

It’s gonna be a long long night

So this week has been a weird week.

Firstly a guy from wor brought in his new born and i had to leave the room and cry, its hard knowing there is no chance i can have another kid. With my ovaries out im having full side effects. such as hot flushes and night sweats. The issue is i have now been told im not allowed on any HRT as u cant take it with a heart condition.

Its not just that its that they promised me no more pain or issues. My bladder is weaker, i have dropped to the floor several times already in alot of pain and seems to be taking lyrica everyday atm. Im disappointed thought i was gonna be a normal person again.

My daughter was off ill the other day, cant get her in the doctors due to her having a cough and 111 told us to keep her off school. Her temperature returned to normal and she returned the next day. I went in today to work and coughed. was told to leave and wait in the breakroom for a laptop to take home so i can work from home. A women walked in saw that i had a cough and refused to come in the break room until i had left. Obviously this upset me so went to my car. To be called back into work and my boss get told off as she isnt allowed to send me home. There has been comments all day about staying away from me.

I get everyone is scared and i understand but im the one that might die if my work gets it as i have underlying health issues. They sent a lady home today who has MS as they are worried about her catching it. But what about the rest of us that are ill. I get she is in a wheel chair and i do feel for her but there is a pregnant lady at work im not well and a month ago came off chemo so have no immune system but we still have to come in.

 

Schools and works should be on lockdown. Both my kids are ill and its constant worry. Single mum life is hard. K was concerned until boris on TV said we will all loose love ones. I only have my babies.

I think this is a man made illness and i think its got out of hand.

The last few days I have felt worse then I normally do. Everything hurts and aches. I’m so tired like I haven’t slept in a few days.

My arms and legs feel funny while my heart feels like it’s pounding. A cold cough and sore throat, just wanna feel stronger like I was ment to after my operation. But I don’t feel better at all. My stomach still swells, my legs still cramp, my back still aches and the sharp pains still keep me. Up